It's imported from France
It’s imported from France

DISCLAIMER: This is not a joke. This is a real actual thing. It seems like a joke because it is RIDIC, but just remember that this is a real actual thing:

Melania Trump, model, businesswoman and wife of Donald Trump, doesn’t cut corners when it comes to raising her son, Barron. When it comes to clothes, he dresses in suits like his dad. When it comes to skincare, he uses mom’s caviar-enhanced skincare line.

You read that correctly. The 7-year-old Barron uses Melania’s Caviar Complex C6 moisturizer every night after his bath.

“It smells very, very fresh,” Melania, who launched the skincare line exclusively in Lord & Taylor this week, told ABC News. “I put it on him from head to toe. He likes it!”

Do you need a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor, because we certainly do. [Picks jaw up off floor.] Okay, moment’s over. Let the kvetching commence.

First of all, Barron? Barron? Was Spawn of Rich Assholes too nuanced or something? Second, a seven-year-old needs “skincare”? Isn’t that what normal kids just called “bath time”? Third, CAVIAR MOISTURIZER?!?! Are you fucking kidding us?

Sadly, no. No, you are not fucking kidding us even though we wish you were because Jesus leg-humping Christ, CAVIAR MOISTURIZER?

It is a key active ingredient in her entire beauty line, the products of which run from $50 to $150. She imports the caviar from a cultured sturgeon farm in the South of France, where it is harvested at optimal ripeness to maintain the nutrients, according to a press release.

So basically, little Barron’s “skincare” routine could feed an entire African village for five years, but hey, he likes it. We think we would like it too, because getting rubbed down with caviar sounds awful nice. We also think having Mrs. Trump send us large piles of cash would be nice too. For our complexion.

But maybe we should not judge, because Mrs. Trump is just a regular ol’ mom like any other regular ol’ mom who says that being a mom is “the most important job ever.” She takes mom-being very seriously and does regular mom things with little Barron:

“I cook him breakfast. Bring him to school. Pick him up. Prepare his lunch. I spend the afternoon with him.”

And then she rubs him with caviar because he likes it!

Great American hero F. Scott Fitzgerald was right: The rich are different from you and me, because we buy our moisturizer at Target (even though sometimes, we pretend the second “t” is silent to make ourselves feel all fancy) and our moisturizer is not made from little imported eggs and does not cost $150.

And that is why we should eat the rich. Not just because they are awful people who name their children Barron and rub them with $150 moisturizer made from French fish fetuses — even though they are and that’s a damn fine enough reason — but also because apparently, they will taste delicious.


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  • Sandeana Becker

    Barron probably enjoys the company of his nieces & nephews more since a couple of them are older then he is. His own siblings are more like his parents, & he probably spends more time with their children, who are Trumps grandchildren.

    • not ted danson

      Eh, that’s no big thing. I had a friend in highschool/college who was the 13th of 13, born to a catholic family, and he had nieces and nephews who were older than him, called him Uncle. His oldest brother was as old as my dad.

  • Sandeana Becker

    Barron does appear to be the best looking of Trump’s children & grandchildren. Of course Trump’s grandchildren are Barron’s generation. It must be weird for the Donald having grandchildren that are older then his youngest child.

  • Jon Keener

    kill them all

  • caryn

    7 year olds need moisturizer rubbed on him by mommy from head to toe? I think not.

  • Last Hussar

    Not actually sure of the point of this article. “Rich people out of touch and spend money pointlessly” hasn’t been news for at least 3,000 years. There were Greek Wonkettes complaining about them.

    • SnarkOff

      It’s news if one of these assholes is a few votes away from shaping the economic policies in this country.

  • Karen Marie

    So let me understand this. Melania Trump is hand-rubbing her seven-year-old son every day, from top to bottom? Has child protective services been notified?

    • Antimassacree

      Maybe Josh Duggar as his VP isn’t so crazy after all.

  • gingerland62

    Do the fish have to undergo ultrasounds before the eggs are ripped out of them? I have heard their tiny screams. Melania c u next Tuesday.

  • Pei Kang

    And yet, Trump has managed to fool people thinking he wasn’t part of the elite establishment.

  • sharon levy

    Beautiful brilliant kids and wife…………..we should be so lucky………..they can afford the nicer things, but they are modest………..

    All the kids worked hard to get where they are today, educated hard working
    and Huffington post is so liberal only crap is written,,,,,,,,,they are the lowest fourth rate paper………just a gossip rag sheet. Go trump you will be the best president

  • Corinne Hayes

    This is really creepy! What young child wear suits all the time and has his mother but lotion on him from head to foot and eats caviar. This is strange young kid and being brought up in an idiot home with an ignoramus for a father. Does this kid just hang with his mother, no friends his age! Creepy!!!

  • Mannie

    Sick article with many sick comments here.

  • Craig

    No amount of hate and ignorance will change that Webb Hubbell is Chelsea Clinton’s father or that Bill Clinton is a pedophile and rapist.

  • anncauley

    You sick twisted people! Children are off limits, go bully someone else. This reeks of jealousy and envy, coming from what I assume is an adult it’s disgusting. Grow Up and find something interesting to write about. Leave the children alone.

  • Buzzeroo

    The kid is not having a normal upbringing simply as a result of who his parents are and where and how they live. Few if any kids could live as he does and behave as one would expect a normal 10 year old. He’ll be OK, he just needs time and freedom from the spotlight along with media decency to leave him alone.

  • Ginnie Sack

    Gah! What perverted mother rubs her seven year old son with anything? From head to toe, ew!

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