DISCLAIMER: This is not a joke. This is a real actual thing. It seems like a joke because it is RIDIC, but just remember that this is a real actual thing:
Melania Trump, model, businesswoman and wife of Donald Trump, doesn’t cut corners when it comes to raising her son, Barron. When it comes to clothes, he dresses in suits like his dad. When it comes to skincare, he uses mom’s caviar-enhanced skincare line.
You read that correctly. The 7-year-old Barron uses Melania’s Caviar Complex C6 moisturizer every night after his bath.
“It smells very, very fresh,” Melania, who launched the skincare line exclusively in Lord & Taylor this week, told ABC News. “I put it on him from head to toe. He likes it!”
Do you need a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor, because we certainly do. [Picks jaw up off floor.] Okay, moment’s over. Let the kvetching commence.
First of all, Barron? Barron? Was Spawn of Rich Assholes too nuanced or something? Second, a seven-year-old needs “skincare”? Isn’t that what normal kids just called “bath time”? Third, CAVIAR MOISTURIZER?!?! Are you fucking kidding us?
Sadly, no. No, you are not fucking kidding us even though we wish you were because Jesus leg-humping Christ, CAVIAR MOISTURIZER?
It is a key active ingredient in her entire beauty line, the products of which run from $50 to $150. She imports the caviar from a cultured sturgeon farm in the South of France, where it is harvested at optimal ripeness to maintain the nutrients, according to a press release.
So basically, little Barron’s “skincare” routine could feed an entire African village for five years, but hey, he likes it. We think we would like it too, because getting rubbed down with caviar sounds awful nice. We also think having Mrs. Trump send us large piles of cash would be nice too. For our complexion.
But maybe we should not judge, because Mrs. Trump is just a regular ol’ mom like any other regular ol’ mom who says that being a mom is “the most important job ever.” She takes mom-being very seriously and does regular mom things with little Barron:
“I cook him breakfast. Bring him to school. Pick him up. Prepare his lunch. I spend the afternoon with him.”
And then she rubs him with caviar because he likes it!
Great American hero F. Scott Fitzgerald was right: The rich are different from you and me, because we buy our moisturizer at Target (even though sometimes, we pretend the second “t” is silent to make ourselves feel all fancy) and our moisturizer is not made from little imported eggs and does not cost $150.
And that is why we should eat the rich. Not just because they are awful people who name their children Barron and rub them with $150 moisturizer made from French fish fetuses — even though they are and that’s a damn fine enough reason — but also because apparently, they will taste delicious.