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[Update: It would appear that Brad Paisley’s label, Arista Nashville, has successfully cleansed YouTube of all copies of this video — Dok Zoom] Oh god we took valuable time out of our musical day, which has otherwise been occupied by Maggie Thatcher death-porn songs, to listen to the train wreck musical collaboration of Brad Paisley and LL Cool J titled, wait for it, “Accidental Racist.” It is a song about racial transcendence, or, for the English speakers among us, a song about how racist symbols really aren’t so bad after all if you just don’t think about what they mean.


The song starts with, as the Hairpin astutely notes, a downright strange bit about how Paisley wears his confederate flag just to rep Skynyrd:

“To the man that waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main, I hope you understand when I put on that t-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is I’m a Skynyrd fan.”

The Starbucks “waiter” probably didn’t know that, because he is not a fucking mind reader. But keep hoping! That bit of nonsense is just the start, and really, it is all downhill from there — so downhill that we’re now tunneling to the center of the earth as we hit the chorus:

‘Cause I’m a white man livin’ in the southland

Just like you I’m more than what you see

I’m proud of where I’m from but not everything we’ve done

And it ain’t like you and me can re-write history

Our generation didn’t start this nation

And we’re still paying for the mistakes

That a bunch of folks made long before we came

And caught between southern pride and southern blame

It is hard out there for the white southern man, people! First you want to be proud of your heritage, which includes rocking your sweet-ass confederate flag. Then you are sad about your heritage, but you still wanna rock your sweet-ass confederate flag. IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?

It only gets worse when LL Cool J shows up to remind you that he has the flow of a 60-something white dude now. Sweet Jesus in a manger his lyrics:

So when I see that white cowboy hat, I’m thinkin’ it’s not all good

I guess we’re both guilty of judgin’ the cover not the book

I’d love to buy you a beer, conversate and clear the air

But I see that red flag and I think you wish I wasn’t here

Have you had enough? Have you taken to trying to blind and deafen yourself so that you never have to hear anything like this again? Hold on, because you haven’t heard the amazing ending, where Paisley and Cool James drawl-rap some sort of horrible nonsensical point-counterpoint:

(If you don’t judge my gold chains)

But not everything we’ve done

(I’ll forget the iron chains)

It ain’t like you and me can re-write history

(Can’t re-write history baby)

Oh, Dixieland

(The relationship between the Mason-Dixon needs some fixin’)

I hope you understand what this is all about

(Quite frankly I’m a black Yankee but I’ve been thinkin’ about this lately)

Yes, you followed that right. LL Cool J says that if you do not give him grief for wearing gold chains, he’ll forget about slavery because hey, the past is the past. He also rhymes Mason-Dixon with fixin’, but we haven’t decided if that is so terrible it is great, or just plain terrible.

Listen, plenty of yr Wonkette is old enough to have listened to Wham! Rap. We are old enough to remember watching the Super Bowl Shuffle over and over. (Did you know that thing is an astonishing 7 minutes long??) We grew up playing Ebony and Ivory endlessly until we realized the lyrics were ridiculous. This thing, though, makes Ebony and Ivory sound like Strange Fruit.

We’re off to wander into freeway traffic, because that will be less painful than this.

[h/t Hairpin]

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