If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says

How much fun is it having this new liberal pansy-ass Pope with his " public transit " and his " the poor are human " stuff like a common wimp? Just kidding! This is not "fun." This has at least one U.S. archbishop very concerned about maintaining the Church's manly image. That, we think, is the only conceivable reason we can think of to explain Detroit Archbishop Allen Vigneron's recent panicky proclamation that Catholics who believe gays have a right to civil marriage should not take Communion. That should butch it up a notch!

From the Detroit Free Press 

The archbishop of Detroit, Allen Vigneron, said Sunday that Catholics who receive Communion while advocating gay marriage would "logically bring shame for a double-dealing that is not unlike perjury."

Someone forgot to take his butt plug out before breakfast! It is worth remembering in this instance that the Catholic Church does not bother to deny communion to those cafeteria Catholics who disagree with the Church's position on issues like universal health care (the last Pope called it the " moral responsibility of nations ") or the death penalty or immigration, and that the Catholic Church gives communion to, ha ha, Newt Gingrich.

Isn't that weird? How sometimes a person's secular political opinion can be in conflict with the Church's teachings and it's no big deal, while other times it is a reason to deny someone a sacrament that is, according to the Church, " morally necessary for salvation "? It's like Archbishop Vigneron is basically saying: "If you believe that gay couples wed in a Unitarian ceremony should be afforded the legal protections of civil marriage, then you can literally go to hell." Literally isn't used in that Chris Traeger ironical way. This is the literal use of literally.

Let us close this post with a prayer to Cthulhu: We pray that in Your infinite wisdom, You bless Pope Francis with the guidance to look upon the U.S. Conference of Bishops as the George Constanza of theologians. We further pray that You give Francis the strength to hoist sacramental wine-filled water balloons over his Pope balcony that he may drop them on Allen Vigneron when next he visits Rome, and that someone films this, so it may become the greatest gif in the history of the Internet. In Your name we pray. Amen.

[ Detroit Free Press ]