Help us buy Doktor Zoom what? A PONY? No. Just help us buy Doktor Zoom. If you, the Wonkers, buy Doktor Zoom for us, we promise to brush him and feed him and walk him every day.
Just think about all the things you could make Zoom do if you owned him your very own self. You could tell him to dance, and he would dance! You could yell at him for sammiches, and he would make you sammiches! We figure, on the real, a living wage (in Idaho, lucky us!) and bennies and healthcare nonsense come to a WALLOPING $60 thousand for the year. Do we have $60 thousand? OF COURSE NOT, DON’T BE RIDICULOSE. But it could be ever so much worse. Dok could live in a city with running water and electricity, instead of the wilds of Boise, where we are pretty sure he grows his own root vegetables out back of the privy.
And think of all the things Wonkette could make him do, if he did not have a stupid “job” but could just sit in the chatcave and braid our hair all day. We would make him administer the comments, and make us MSPaints of Things, and proofread StefanBC’s constantly uncommaed screeds. We could cut our workday down from 12 hours six and a half days a week to a much more reasonable 10 hours six days a week. Don’t you want us to do that, so we don’t end up in the desert yelling prophesies at the turtles, like happened to your dear departed Ken Layne?
So here, Wonkers. Dig deep. Dig hard. Give till it hurts like shingles. (Shingles hurts really bad.) Or a kidney infection. Or whatever syphilis is currently eating Michelle Malkin’s brain. JUST GIVE.
Thank you for being a friend.