turn your head and coif

Energy Secretary Nominee Has Scientist Hair!

As a bald guy, Dok Zoom can only weep bitter jealous tearsYes, yes, we know that as good lefties we should be concerned about his ties to the energy industry, especially the dirty frackers in natural gas. But Ernest Moniz, President Obama’s nominee to follow Steven Chu as Secretary of Energy, has an epic head of hair that is simply hypnotizing. If confirmed, he would easily have the most impressive hair of any prominent political figure since the late Ann God-love-her Richards or the similarly-beehived Arizona Gov. Rose “not Ann Richards but also awesome” Mofford. The Washington Free Beacon even paused, briefly, from trying to surpass Breitbart.com as the nation’s deepest cesspit of right-wing idiocy to acknowledge the mesmerizing effect of Moniz’s hair.

In an impressive bit of filler, the Beacon’s Lachlan Markay spoke to several D.C. hair stylists to address the burning question of whether Moniz should keep his MIT-physicist look, or opt for something a bit more Washington.

The cut is fine “for a professor at MIT. He looks like a scientist,” said Paul Ramadan, the owner of Nantucket Hair Salon in downtown Washington.

“But for Washington, I’m sure he’s going to get [reactions], like, ‘Oh, wow,’” Ramadan said, feigning a look of surprise. “He’s obviously not a typical Washingtonian walking around.”

Rather than change his hair style, however, Ramadan suggested Moniz embrace it.

“Sometimes when you are in the spotlight, the haircut becomes the person himself,” he said.

Salon owner Dennis Roche made the potentially libelous claim that Moniz looks like he is “in a Donald Trump competition,” which is a terrible comparison, because combover, duh. Jesus.

“If you’re going to sport long hair, you have to have a good haircut that supports long hair,” he said. “I don’t think his haircut necessarily works for him.”

Roche said the width of Moniz’s cut tends to broaden his facial features.

“When it’s broad like this, it makes you look heavier across the face,” he said.

Roche suggested “a more layered haircut.”

As is, he said, the cut does not fit the D.C. look.

“If he was at the Renaissance Fair, it probably would work,” Roche quipped.

Haha, “quipped.” But Roche, who’d better get out of there before the shit hits the fan, did not have the harshest critique.

“Oh my God, it looks terrible,” said David Cassis of the Patrick Segui Hair Salon.

“He’s not going for anything. His face, his hair, nothing has to do with anything.”

As someone whose hair mostly says “I have gone away forever,” Yr Doktor Zoom urges Secretary-Designate Moniz to stay the course and ignore the haters. Washington has all the corporate hair it needs, thanks, and right now, all that awesome grey hair is the only thing distracting us from asking some very pointed questions about your connections to the corporate cultures of BP and General Electric. Those are some dark roots.

[Washington Free Beacon / Democracy Now!]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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