In Salt Lake City, a lobbyist for gun enthusiasts will now have to march around holding his dick in one hand and nothing in his other, because his AR-15 was kinda sorta stolen from his locked SUV while it was parked in front of his home. If only he’d been armed! Condolence cards may be sent to Clark Aposhian, chair of the Utah Shooting Sports Council. The weapon joins the approximately 230,000 guns stolen each year in U.S. America.
A police spokesman said investigators have no leads at this time. The NRA has not yet weighed in on the theft, but is expected to advise concerned citizens to double or possibly triple their arms purchases, so if one or two go missing they will still have a weapon at home for their children to accidentally shoot themselves or someone else with.
In response to Wonkette tipster “Tom,” who sent us this story, we will certainly consider expanding Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin Of The Year Award to include lobbyists, but we are not certain whether Mr. Aposhian qualifies — while his asshattery is indeed spectacular, it does not appear to have occurred while in performance of his job as a lobbyist. One has to have some standards about this sort of thing, after all.