paging alanis morissette

Utah Gun Lobbyist’s AR-15 Stolen Because SUV Couldn’t Defend Itself

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

The only thing that stops a klutz with a gun...In Salt Lake City, a lobbyist for gun enthusiasts will now have to march around holding his dick in one hand and nothing in his other, because his AR-15 was kinda sorta stolen from his locked SUV while it was parked in front of his home. If only he’d been armed! Condolence cards may be sent to Clark Aposhian, chair of the Utah Shooting Sports Council. The weapon joins the approximately 230,000 guns stolen each year in U.S. America.

A police spokesman said investigators have no leads at this time. The NRA has not yet weighed in on the theft, but is expected to advise concerned citizens to double or possibly triple their arms purchases, so if one or two go missing they will still have a weapon at home for their children to accidentally shoot themselves or someone else with.

In response to Wonkette tipster “Tom,” who sent us this story, we will certainly consider expanding Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin Of The Year Award to include lobbyists, but we are not certain whether Mr. Aposhian qualifies — while his asshattery is indeed spectacular, it does not appear to have occurred while in performance of his job as a lobbyist. One has to have some standards about this sort of thing, after all.

[Salt Lake Tribune]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Bill

    I think the word you’re looking for is AHHHHHHHH!!!!
    —The Penguin, Tim Burton’s Batman
    My, my, my-what a scared little person we are! Why not try all caps next time for the full effect?

  • Bill

    Typical liberal relativity. Everyone is going off on this guy for having his rifle stolen and not one person-not one-cares to mention that for it to be taken someone (i.e. a criminal) had to take it. I suppose that if he’d stolen the whole car blame would have been impossible to place. Careful, folks, your stupid is leaking out onto your keyboards…