As of right now, I am going to do what every English teacher has ever told me not to: tell you what my writing will be about! It is going to be about the Internet, that you are wasting your life on RIGHT NOW, and how it is bad for children and other living things.
First of all, fucking Snap Chat. For those of you geezers who haven’t heard of it, and who aren’t supposed to be reading this anyway because this is the Teen Korner for Teenz, Snap Chat is a messaging service that sends a picture that’s deleted within a certain time period of being received. Sounds like a perfect idea to reduce clutter, right? No, “reducing clutter” is for housewives. IT IS FOR SEXTING, DUH. Or for sending pictures that are literally a shit. We got this picture that was someone’s gigantic dookie. And to top it all off, everybody said, “Well, at least it wasn’t his penis again.” (Lol, Wonkette lets me say penis.) It is also a damn inconvenience. For we happy few who are not baked out of our minds, and *gasp* actually trying to learn, having our peers shriek and giggle about literally sending each other pictures of their own bored faces is extremely distracting. And then when I ask them to stop, and I’m not even, like, being a dick or anything, they’re just like “Lol, nerd,” and I’m like :(
Next, I would like to touch on something that is of great import to us all, by which I mean awkward high school relationships! I will now give you some time to reminisce about this most holy and pure of unions… done? Ok, good. Now, before I start destroying the entire damned institution, I have to confess, I have participated in it. Yes, I HAVE had girlfriends, ok, so stop doubting me, I am not even lying. And it is cool, from the inside. (“Inside.”)
As a born and bred cynic (thanks, Dok), I, like most other people, can only hear “We’re in LOOOOOOVE” so many times. The ear-splitting, god-awful whininess of every single teenager shrieking about their hormonally induced feelings of affection really rustles my jimmies. Hell, I have perpetrated the crime (as did you, be honest), but at least I do not rub it in every single person’s face… and the PDA’s… My GOD the PDA’s… Tell me, have you ever seen two awkward, sweaty, hormonal teenagers staring awkwardly, sweatily, and hormonally into each other’s eyes from less than two inches away? Probably, because you have gone through all this “school” B.S. Now imagine that plastered all over your Facebook wall, texted to you, and on the backgrounds of school computers. The internet will be useful, they said. It will make our lives better, they said. WELL WHAT SAY THEY NOW?
Unfortunately, yet another baking soda volcano of teenage suffering has had the vinegar of the internet dumped on it in this science fair of hell that is high-school: gossip. The speed at which a single juicy morsel of verbal bullying can traverse the Facebook pages of an entire school is astounding. I know somebody who was given the nickname “Big Sausage,” and some dick (me) managed to spread it around both of our schools within fifteen minutes. The sad part? “El Chorizo Grande” is my best friend. AND I AM ONE OF THE BEST BEHAVED PEOPLE IN MY SCHOOL. I mean, get it together, right? We’ve all heard of this cyberbullying scare (but who really buys that), and every teacher I have had is all like, “Blah blah blah cruelty, blah blah blah suicide, blah blah blah rights.”
But sure, the internet is a fucking scary place, and having 50 year old men who talk like young people and post pictures of ponies isn’t making it any better.