General Petraeus Gives Flowers And Candy to America, Says He's Sorry About Banging Not-Mrs. Petraeus

Disgraced ex-CIA director General David Petraeus -- who was an angel-winged, gold-plated American hero until we found out he was totally banging that one chick named, no kidding, Paula BROADWELL (because Pussy Galore was already taken), who wrote that one fangirl book with the barely euphemistic title All In about how he is an angel-winged, gold-plated American hero -- says he is very sorry about all of that and would like to kiss and make up with America now please:

"Needless to say, I join you keenly aware that I am regarded in a different light now than I was a year ago. I am also keenly aware that the reason for my recent journey was my own doing. So please allow me to begin my remarks this evening by reiterating how deeply I regret – and apologize for – the circumstances that led to my resignation from the CIA and caused such pain for my family, friends and supporters," he said.

You see, he used to be regarded in the Hero General Who Saved America And Won All The Wars light, except by dirty fucking hippies like MoveOn.org, who said he would BETRAY US (get it?), but the chickenhawks in Congress were all, like, "Nuh uh, shut up, he is awesome and also very handsome in his uniform and stop hating America, MoveOn."

Roger Ailes, the head of Fox News, even had a plan to make General Sexyfuntimes the president of these United States, and he sent one of his lackeys to meet with He Who Could Not Keep It In His Pants, back when he was winning all the wars, to ask if Fox could be even better at doing propaganda to America and if “there [is] anything Fox is doing, right or wrong, that you want to tell us to do differently?” And also something about how if Dave The Horny wants to be president, Roger Ailes will personally write ALL the checks for that because that's how fair and balanced journamalism works, ya know. In an ironic twist that is full of ironic irony, General Hot Stuff said no because -- and brace yourselves for the lolz -- his wife wouldn't like it:

“My wife would divorce me,” he added. “And I love my wife. . . . We have a beautiful house.” Both Petraeus and McFarland laughed. “With his-and-hers bathrooms, believe it or not. I just want to live in it. I’ve never spent a night in it.”

Mrs. Petraeus probably did not want him to bang that one chick who is not Mrs. Petraeus either, but we don't know, it's none of our business and besides, General All In Wink Wink is SORRY ABOUT THAT, baby, and maybe, like Newt Gingrich, he only did it because he loves America THAT MUCH because that is the only reason Republicans have the extramarital affairs so shut up and let's all move on and forgive the man because he said he is sorry and can he please still be president one day maybe?

[ HuffPo ]