Adult Babies Rick Santorum And Newt Gingrich Almost Joined Forces To Beat Romney But Decided To Throw Tantrums Instead

Oh, Pope Rick Santorum and pumpkin-headed hyena Newt Gingrich almost formed a Unity Ticket to beat eventual nominee and member of the House of Lords Mittens of Romney? But they couldn't because talks broke down when neither of them would accept the veep spot because both of them had to be president? Well color us shocked -- shocked! -- that two of the most undeservedly self-regarding men in the universe could not lay down their own egos to save their party from a Romnastrophe. How great would a Sangrich or Gintorum ticket have been? The smegma-lipped moral scold and the undisciplined libertine would have ridden into American history with at least a solid 34 percent of the American electorate behind them, hungry for that frothy mix of Neil Bush and Carrie Nation. Businessweek, would you care to throw us some on-the-record goodness?

“We were close,” former Representative Bob Walker, a Gingrich ally, says. “Everybody thought there was an opportunity.” “It would have sent shock waves through the establishment and the Romney campaign,” says John Brabender, Santorum’s chief strategist.

But the negotiations collapsed in acrimony because Gingrich and Santorum could not agree on who would get to be president. “In the end,” Gingrich says, “it was just too hard to negotiate.”

So let us just make sure we got this: Barack Obama is a Jimmy Carter style pussy, because he cannot force an intransigent one-half of one-half of one branch of government to stop drooling on the floor while he tries to conduct the nation's business, but the men who wanted to wrest the job from him could not even successfully negotiate who would be president and who would be veep, and they take all their balls and go home.

Very grown-up, Santorum and Gingrich. You are just very matoor!

Finally, the two candidates spoke face-to-face at an energy forum just before the primary. Gingrich made an elaborate historical argument that when the party hasn’t been able to agree on a nominee, it always settles on the senior figure. Santorum wasn’t persuaded, and urged Gingrich to do what was best for the conservative movement.

Neither man would yield. “I’d like to have had Santorum drop out, and he’d have liked me to drop out,” Gingrich says.

OH MAN would we have liked to see that! Gingrich would have been gallumphing along, argle-bargling SCIENCE FACTS about how Robespierre beat Oliver Cromwell for the presidency of Elba and the HRE, and Santorum would have countered with a jar of his own baby.

But Wonkers, which man was right? Which of these hoopy froods who really know where their towels are, these Most Important Men in the Universe, really deserved the top spot? (No fair going with "Biden.") Was it the man who yelled at English-speaking Puerto Rico to speak English and women to stop their whorish "working" ways? Or the man who never met a woman he wouldn't leave on her deathbed and mostly campaigned from a cruise ship in Greece?

We would have gone with Gingrich, really. Pope Santorum was just a drag.

[ Businessweek ]