Professional Bible-humper Pat Robertson — who uses his teevee show The 700 Club to golden shower the faithful with handy advice like how to avoid icky adopted children cooties and how to get the Satan out of your Goodwill sweaters — has some new tips for clean living:
Ladies and gentlemen, beware these scamsters, especially these scamsters in religious garb, quoting the Bible. I mean, run from them. They’re all over the place.
That does sound sage, doesn’t it? Do not be seduced by empty promises of everlasting salvation — or, better still, miraculous cash prizes. Like this guy you should totally run away from, who explained just the other day how if you are homeless and jobless and moneyless, you can still send him “just $20 a month” so God will give you a house and a job and many dollars American.
“Listen, there is no way you can out give God. You can’t do it. And that which is given to him will come back 30, 60 and 100 fold.”
Who was that guy again? His name is on the tip of our tongue. Um … Oh yes! It was Pat Robertson! But he meant the other scamsters wearin’ the religious garb and throwin’ down with the Bible quotes, obviously. Duh. Now whip out your checkbook and send monies to Jesus.
Or screw that and just send your monies to us at Wonkette. You won’t get everlasting salvation or a bigger house or a nicer job, but we will send you pictures of us reading the Bible while dressed in religious garb. Nah, just kidding, you won’t get that either. But send money anyway or God will call all your Wonkets home.