Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss Would Like You To Know How Gay He's Not

Republican senator and Vietnam-deferring uber-patriot Saxby Chambliss doesn't care how many of his fellow Republicans, like Ohio Sen. Rob Portman , come out of the closet to support equal rights. Saxby isn't going to change his mind, because he is NOT gay. Repeat:  He is NOT gay .

When asked if his views had changed on gay marriage, the Georgia Republican quipped: “I’m not gay. So I’m not going to marry one.”

That makes perfect sense, of course, because everyone knows that's exactly how marriage equality works. If you let the gays gay-marry each other, the not gays like Saxby will be forced to get gay married too, or it is off to the FEMA Camps for him, where he will be fed to lions and also droned.

That's why Republican senators like Saxby (plus a few, ahem, naughty conservative Democrats who need to go to their rooms to think about that) are maintaining their "segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever!" position. And no, they don't care that there's yet another poll showing, for the bazillionth time, that pretty much everyone in America who doesn't slurp their early bird soup through their dentures is all, like, "Hey, if gays want to marry each other, whatev." But ol' NOT GAY Saxby? He plans to keep on opposing that shit because he is NOT GAY, and he does not want to marry a gay, and he doesn't want any gays to marry each other because he is NOT GAY so they should be NOT GAY too.

Then there's suspiciously never-married-and-never-had-a-girlfriend Lindsey Graham, who says he is "with South Carolina.” We don't know what that means, but it sounds kind of dirty and maybe like some newfangled sexytime euphemism? Oh, baby, let's get nekkid and be "with South Carolina" together! Lindsey isn't a total meanie, though; he is OK with the gays have some special privileges:

I believe in traditional marriage — between a man and a woman, without animosity. I don’t mind if people are able to transfer their property, visit their loved ones in hospitals, but marriage to me, I’ve stayed with the concept of traditional marriage.

Isn't that so nice of him, the gays? Say thank you to Lindsey when you're visiting your dying beloveds in the hospital, but just please do not get your gay on his non-existent traditional marriage.

Doth the ladies protest too much? We think so, because it sure seems like a science fact that Republicans who tell us they are NOT GAY turn out to be, you know, looking for hot gay sex in airport bathrooms from undercover cops or doing the meth with male "escorts." In which case, we look forward to Senator Saxby NOT GAY Chambliss's imminent arrest for trying to score some NOT GAY hot gay sex.

[ Politico ]