Off-Key Anthem

Bad Sci-Fi Video For CPAC Calls Tea Party ‘A Movement On Fire,’ Is Sadly Not About Flaming Dysentery

So, the “Tea Party Patriots,” which is apparently a patriotic group of tea partiers, has made this little movie for CPAC. They’re also threatening to release a longer version at CPAC today unless their demands are met. It’s a dystopian fable that plays out in two minutes, and if it looks a little familiar, that’s because it cribs from every third-rate dystopian fantasy ever made except for Zardoz, because while Tea Partiers certainly agree that “The Gun Is Good,” they try not to talk about penises unless they absolutely have to. Even so, we think this thing could make a pretty decent drive-in movie if they could add in some killer robots and kickboxing, and also some nudity, but only if it’s necessary for the plot, which of course it would be.

The clip starts off with a not-quite Michele Bachmann looking out at The City, which you know is capitalized like that because it’s in the grimdark world of the future, where Things get capitalized. She cares so much about Freedom that her voice is all sobby and catchy. The City used to be a shining city on a hill, even though it looks like Kansas, but then the Torch went out. This is Symbolic.

Now we go to a flashback that shows us how the “Development Party” killed Ronald Reagan Freedom through a tyrannical scheme involving EBT cards, boxes of stuff, and black and white graphics from Kinkos. The Development Party’s logo looks like surveyor’s marks, Get It? Everything has the Development Party logo on it, even the free phones, Get It? And just to be clear that this isn’t about Barack HUSSEIN Obama, they make the head of the Development party a white guy who looks like maybe the hellspawn love child of Chris Matthews and Jon Huntsman, and he says some kind of Marxy stuff about taking everything from you so everyone can have stuff. Folks what don’t like it have to listen to a newslady voiceover saying “opposition to the new policies are [sic] on the rise” while they get run over by a silver Chevy Malibu with the Mark of Kinkos taped to the door. This is Tyranny.

Next, we see some young folks having a serious, not at all stilted conversation about how getting free stuff allows the gummint to control you. It’s also probably about the Mark of the Beast, because ATMs and scanners. This is where we would put in a sex scene so that they could show how passionate they are about Free Market Economics (course they’d have to get married first, cause that’s only right, and then they can be lawfully nekkid and read to each other from a WND post about von Mises). If we’ve learned anything from A Game of Thrones, it’s that audiences will pay attention to almost any amount of exposition as long as the actors are butt nekkid. The guy snaps his Development Party EBT card in half like no piece of plastic has ever snapped. This is Resistance.

So the earnest kids get recruited into the Liberty Movement, which is not at all a transparent stand-in for Teabaggers because it’s made up of young, ethnically diverse people from a Benetton ad, and there’s not a Hoverround in sight. As they begin to become popular, demon-spawn Chris Huntsman sputters “Snuff! Them! Out!” in another eerie parallel to our own world, where Barack HUSSEIN Obama tried to kill the teabaggers to death. This is where they need a car chase and some explosions because even though it’s only 1:30 in, our attention was wandering. But you know that the Liberty Movement is going to win, because when they boldly take down a Development Party sign and replace it with their inspriring torch logo, you see that they sprang for color graphics.

No bodies. No breasts (srsly, guys, fix this). One Beast (probable Mark Of). No blood. No Ponies. No heads roll. Eyes roll. Silver Chevy Malibu rolls. Gratuitous sobby-talk. Gratuitous running up stairs. Gratuituous Abu-Gahreb hoodings. Gratuitous fake newscasts. Gratuitous flames and other imagery from trailer from a whole nother derivative dystopian flick. EBT card-snapping fu. Torchlit demonstration fu. Logo-replacement fu. Correctly-spelled protest sign fu. Drive-In Academy Award Best Actor nomination for guy at 1:25 who says “We need to act!!” but is a very bad actor. Drive-In Academy Award Best Bullshitter nomination for video creator Luke Livingston, who kept a straight face while telling Dave Weigel this video would make teabagging popular with “younger people, people who were in high school when this started.” One star. Dok Zoom says check it out.

[YouTube / Slate]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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