you can leave your hat on and everything else please

Sadness Abounds: CPAC To Be Less Sexxxxxy This Year

acceptable, but the footwear could be a little more modestRemember how last year’s CPAC was teh hotttnesss? You had boys getting drunk and hooking up and passing out. You had ladies showing cleavage. CLEAVAGE! Does all this seem a bit deja vu to you, longtime Wonkians? Probably because Jim Newell mercilessly bashed ErickErickEricksonnnn and Melissa “Imma put Dr. in front of my name because I have a 2-year chiro degree” Clouthier about this last year!

To be fair to CPAC (urgh), at least last year sounded semi-fun for attendees in a sad salaryman business conference sort of way. You’re away from home with a bit of free time and maybe you have a little bit of the old zipless fuck, a little stranger sex, and then head home to the rambler and the spouse and the child. It was no Roman orgy, but it was likely tolerable.

NOT THIS YEAR, SLUTS.

CPAC, or at least some lady who is an overinvested dowdy publicist, is ON IT to tell you how not to look like a whore. There’s even an infographic we’ve been kind enough to include below if you want to get your modesty on.

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Ladies, what should you wear? Cardigans, blouses, blazers and pumps! What shouldn’t you wear? Oh, just a laundry list of things: rompers, halters, shorts, strapless necklines, low-cut tops, miniskirts, leggings. The publicist lady has created an entire fucking Pinterest page of her favorite CPAC-appropriate outfits! Fun!

Menfolk, what should you wear? Blazers, khakis, loafers. There’s no handy Pinterest page for you, boys, but basically dress like James O’Keefe or PJ O’Rourke and you’ll look fine. Menfolk, what shouldn’t you wear? Jeans, t-shirts, leggings. If you can crawl into a pair of pants made of twill and pull a golf shirt over your head, you’re good.

Takeaway: dudes, please don’t look like horrible slobs. Ladies, please stop being such whore-ish temptresses and cover your damn selves up.

[Washington City Paper/Pinterest]

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