Paul Ryan Unveils Budget, Makes 'White Rabbit' Our New National Anthem

It is budget season again in Washington, D.C., which means it is time for the villagers in our nation’s capital to pretend that a plan written by Congressman Paul Ryan, who was last seen on election night icing down his tuchus after being spanked hard by Barry Bamz and Old Handsome Joe Biden, is not the legislative equivalent of a rotting whale carcass washed up on a beach.

We admit, sometimes your Wonkette struggles to dislike Paul Ryan. How can you dislike a guy with that shayna punim ? Those soulful eyes! That hangdog expression! It is as if a bunny rabbit and a tree sloth had a baby, and then that baby had sex with pouty-lipped Scarlett Johansson, and then she had a baby, and that baby is the unholy but soooo adorable bunny rabbit/tree sloth/pouty-lipped Scarlett Johansson mash-up that is Paul Ryan!

Then words begin spewing out of the mouth hole of the unholy Paul Ryan thing and you want to scream “What part of shut the fuck up and go the fuck away, Paul Ryan, do you not understand?”

We thought the voters had said that last part pretty clearly last November, when they voted for the other guys in that big election thing that Paul Ryan might have heard about. But because the modern GOP seems to have the memory of particularly stupid goldfish, Paul Ryan was free to go on Fox News Sunday the other day and drop some straight up ridonkulousness regarding his new budget plan, which resulted in the greatest Chris Wallace moment ever at 1: 15 in this video:

Repeal Obamacare? How does the GOP plan to get that through the Senate and have the president sign it? Did Paul Ryan not notice Chris Wallace’s squint? Even Chris Wallace is tired of listening to this guy’s crap. We expect Roger Ailes will have Chris Wallace flayed alive before next Sunday’s show.

We thought the GOP had given up on this repeal nonsense after failing more than 30 times to repeal Obamacare during the last Congress. John Boehner even said after the election, “Obamacare is now the law of the land.” But no: the Tea Partiers in both the House and Senate have been stamping their feet and demanding action, dammit! And since Paul Ryan and Mitt Romney actually won the senior vote in November, it is obvious that America is on their side on the question of how to address the long-term issue of medical spending on our aging population. (No really, he actually said that. You have to watch the entire video before you start screaming. Did you not do that?)

So Paul Ryan’s new budget, to the surprise of absolutely no one, appears to have been written by Lewis Carroll, if Lewis Carroll had spent the late nineteenth century writing budgets in a Shanghai opium den. Paul Ryan is now promising to rid us of this troublesome deficit in 10 years (the plan he and Mitt Romney ran on last fall, which was soundly rejected by voters in part because its cuts were so draconian, promised to balance it by 2040) and he is predicating the whole enchilada on Obamacare being repealed. Not that Paul Ryan would have written a workable budget to begin with, but on top of his natural ridiculousness, he had to make these asinine assumptions in part to placate the Tea Party caucus, because God forbid anyone should just tell those nuts to go sit quietly in a corner and play with their blocks or something until nap time.

(Though it is worth noting that last week the House GOP leadership demanded that the Administration reverse its decision to close Obamacare’s state-based high-risk pools for people with pre-existing conditions. The Department of Health and Human Services had determined the program was underfunded and too expensive to maintain. So all of a sudden the GOP cares about sick people, sort of. Defund Obamacare! Except the parts we don’t want you to defund! Even though we wouldn’t give you enough money to properly fund them in the first place!)

This is all on top of sequestration, which is already effecting its own hilarious consequences. Everyone prepare for further budget incoherence and inanities, stretching into the future forever and ever, world without end, amen.

[ The Atlantic / TPM / WaPo / YouTube ]