My milkshake brings no laws to the lardassesSo, simply because enough fucking people are not already TALKING ABOUT THE GODDAMN SODAS, here is this thing: Mississippi’s legislature has overwhelmingly passed and sent to Governor Lardstick McGoober a bill that will explicitly ban any municipality from discouraging its citizens from eating like gross disgusting pigs, for FREEDOM. The law, informally known as the “anti-Bloomberg bill” and even more informally known as the “Keep Michelle Obama’s fat ass out of our bidniss bill,” bars New York City-style restrictions on serving sizes or San Francisco-style laws prohibiting toys in kids’ meals.

As an extra fuck-you to the Food Police, it also forbids local governments from requiring restaurants to list nutritional information, because calorie counts are fascist in a state where people are free to enjoy the highest obesity rate in the country. We encourage Mississippi lawmakers to follow up this brave law with a “stand your ground round” measure allowing eaters to shoot anyone who tries to pry a sammich from their sloppy greasy hands.

You might be astonished to learn that the bill was “the subject of intense lobbying by groups including the restaurant association, the small business and beverage group, and the chicken farmers’ lobby.” Because if anyone has consumers’ best interests at heart, it’s Food Inc. It’s all about giving people a choice, after all.

The bill’s sponsor, Rep. Gregory Holloway (D-Cornsyrup), says that the law is intended to keep nutrition rules consistent statewide, and to protect Mississippians’ precious bodily fluids from the tinkering of dirty hippies:

“We don’t want local municipalities experimenting with labeling of foods and any organic agenda. We want that authority to rest with the legislature,” Holloway says.

The measure was opposed by some Mississippi mayors, like Chip Johnson of Hernando, who has already pushed a terrifying program of building bike paths in compliance with the UN’s sinister Agenda 21. Johnson objects to the bill’s limits on local governments’ ability to “meet local needs,” which is communist code for stealing Girl Scout cookies:

“You know what? If little Alligator, Miss., wanted to do that [require nutrition information on menus — or maybe kick Girl Scouts], that’s up to the people that live there. It is not up to the state to tell the people at the local level what to do,” Johnson says. “They’re just using this to mask what the bill is really about, which is about taking away home rule.”

Johnson says he resents that the measure even puts some restrictions on a town’s ability to zone where a restaurant can go.

Johnson’s invocation of local control was regarded as dangerously radical talk by state legislators, who also oppose the Affordable Care Act because States’ Rights.

A companion measure that would bar snooty New York foodies from taking up residence within state boundaries is expected to pass next week.


Join Doktor Zoom for the Wonkette Book Club! This month’s selection is Al Capp: A Life to the Contrary, by Michael Schumacher and Denis Kitchen. It’s a biography of the groundbreaking satirist / artist / lecher who created “L’il Abner,” paved the way for comics like Pogo, Doonesbury, and Bloom County, and drew the happiest pigs ever created with pen and ink. Hardcover $16.66, Kindle e-book $13.43. Click these linkies and Your Wonkette gets a cut!

Donate with CCDonate with CC
Previous articleGovernment Very Good At Keeping Secrets For Its Best Friends Forever, The Banks
Next articlePretty Much Nation’s Only Black Lady Republican Official Resigns For Being The Griftiest