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‘Concerned Minnesotan’ Explains How Mixing Sperm, Butt Enzymes Causes AIDS

New American hero Mike Frey isn’t just an ordinary “concerned Minnesotan.” He is also a husband and father, so you can understand why he is so concerned about this gay marriage thing. He’s agin it and he wants to make sure Minnesota lawmakers are also agin this “gay marriage.”

See, married people have sex. Like all the time. It’s crazy how much married people like to smoosh their privates together with each other. If the gays get married, then they’ll start having sex too. Like all the time. If the gays start having sex — they’re mostly celibate now — like those bunny-humping marrieds, it’ll be “sodomy.” That will spread AIDS. Because AIDS is caused, Mike Frey explains, by sperm getting into the colon and mixing with the enzymes. This is bad because AIDS can lead to “colds.” (Note: This man does not seem to be suffering from schizophrenia, so feel free to point and laugh liberal-guilt-free.)

Dubious theories of AIDS transmission? Colon health obsession? Vague nonsense about enzymes? Buttsects diseases? This guy is like Bryan Fischer crossed with Kevin Trudeau. If he wasn’t a father, one might assume this “Mike Frey” was just Lorraine Day after a shoddy gender reassignment surgery. Let’s hope, nay, let’s pray the Minnesota legislature heeds Mike Frey’s words of caution before all of Minnesota is afflicted with “a rash, almost like a boils and a very raw skin, that broke out on the hands, feet, butt, mouth” and is caused by buttsects and enzymes.


About the author

Jeff Wattrick is someone whose unsolicited submissions accidentally get published on Wonkette. He also writes for Deadline Detroit, which is this thing on the internet about the Motor City.

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