It is late afternoon, so you’ve already probably spent about 4-5 hours fapping to copies of Ted Cruz’ resume, right? Yes, he’s the lawyer-cum-senator who is the youngest, longest, bestest at oral…arguments…ever. So! Your masturbation fantasies likely already encompass the possibility that Ted Cruz might someday, if you are very lucky, run for president. YES OH GOD YES YES YES! There’s just that tiiinnnnyy little problem about how Cruz wasn’t born in America like Americans should be:
The bottom line in the case of Cruz, who was born in Canada in 1970, is that his father was an immigrant from Cuba and not a U.S. citizen at the time of young Cruz’s birth, but his mother was born and raised in the United States.
Wait a goddamn minute.
You’re telling us that dreamboat Ted Cruz is a Canadian anchor baby?! INPEACH. (Can you inpeach a senator? Can someone else go look that up for us? Thanks.) How can we possibly back a man with a past this shady? How can we possibly fap about a man with a past this shady? We should have known he was terrible when we saw his jerk baby.
Perhaps we should turn our attention to Marco Rubio. He’s a hot little number and he is for sure American. Wait what? He was born in Miami to two non-citizen parents? Marco Rubio is an American anchor baby? Even worse!! Dammit. We should just stick with the devil we know, like sweet old John McCain. You don’t get any more American than a guy born in…Panama????
There are no more heroes, America.