If Happy Fun Newt begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.Here is a fun marketing fact: Yr. Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho, which is among the top locations for test-marketing new products in our great nation. Apparently, we have certain demographic characterisitics (doughy, gun-fondling, dog-owning) that are useful predictors of how a new product might sell. It’s sometimes pretty obvious, when for three weeks every convenience store checkstand features some horrifying new variation on an existing product, like Double-Caffeinated Cool Ranch Twix Bars. So here’s a trial balloon that may or may not sail: Newt Gingrich says he’d just love to be on Celebrity Apprentice, aka Donald Trump’s Festival of Fail. Your Wonkette enthusiastically hopes this comes to pass, because it would be Yooge and Beeyootiful.

Mr. Gingrich is really into the idea that Republicans need to be a lot more fun and “relatable” so they won’t have to rely on “ideas” and “positions” so much. So on Laura Ingraham’s radio show, he offered to do whatever it is that happens on Celebrity Apprentice, a program that we have never watched but which we understand involves teams competing to make some horrible business idea come to fruition, like “selling chocolate-covered steel wool to Idahoans” or “repackaging supply-side economics so it doesn’t sound quite so medieval.” Gingrich offered this rationale, which is just the kind of creative thinking we have come to expect from him:

“I’ve known the Donald, we’ve done fundraisers together. But look, I think Republicans would be so much better off and relaxed [to] go on shows like that and be interesting.”

He added: “Donald Trump is a phenomenon. Donald Trump has no meaning in American politics except that he is a billionaire who is interesting and who is very clever at getting in the news.”

“If only the Republicans were as talented at branding as Trump is,” said Ingraham, who also said she’d appear on Trump’s reality show.

Still, Gingrich acknowledged that trying to emulate the short-fingered vulgarian might be a bit too “edgy” for some Republicans, those who are not as “hip” or “devil-may-care” or “fucking stupid” as a Newt Gingrich:

“That would require a risk-taking attitude and a willingness to look a little foolish, which most Republicans are horrified at,” Gingrich said. “Trump is a guy who is pretty careful about going out there and mixing it up, and he knows that some days he’s going to look foolish and some days he’s going to look brilliant — but overall, you’re going to remember his name.”

We are not entirely sure, dear Wonketteers. Trump insists on SO MUCH ass-kissing. Do you think Gingrich could do it? We bet he could. In fact, they’d have to have a mutual ass-kissing pact. Trump would have to flatter Gingrich for his big brain, and Gingrich would have to flatter Trump for his business acumen. It would be the worst lemon party ever.


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