A Not Really All That Brief History Of Ted Nugent's Illustrious Career In Reality Teevee

Americans, have you been feeling that your reality TV just isn't...bloodthirsty enough? That is probably because you are watching liberal weenie programs like Top Runway or Project Chef or some other wussy nonsense. If you were watching more shows starring the Nuge, you'd get all the hot hot shootin' and killin' that you need. Media Matters  watched the the new Nuge series, Wanted: Ted or Alive and now we are PUMPED to see it. They compiled "four crazy moments" from the show, but what they really meant to say was the four bestest! Head on over to their site if you want to see not one, not two, not three, but FOUR videos of Ted doing the following delightfully manly things:

• killing a chicken by slamming it on the ground

• shooting contestants at close range with a paintball gun

• being lewd to a female contestant

• explaining his "spiritual orgy" (hawt).

Oh, you're back. Hi. How was all that? Feelin' good? Feelin' more manly? (Yes, even you ladies. Ted makes you more manly, but not in a mannish lesbo way, you know?) After watching that pile of amazing, you are probably super sad that you've missed out on Ted Nugent's long and storied reality show career.

Apparently he started with some no-doubt quality show called Spirit of the Wild on the Outdoor Channel. The Outdoor Channel has removed any mention of it, because they're pansies, but the show lives on over at Ted's site. You cannot keep a good man down, America, even when you repeatedly cancel his teevee shows. The Nuge rose from the ashes of cancellation to bring you the shows you need by giving you Surviving Nugent back in 2003. What fun things would you have gotten to do on that show?

Nugent, a fervent defender of the rights of hunters and gun owners, didn't make it easy for them. Within minutes of meeting the ragtag contestants -- who included a vegan -- he banished one player for wearing cologne and later kicked out another for being wimpy...Challenges included skinning a wild boar, retrieving decoy ducks from a swamp and identifying types of dung. Players slept on cots in a barn and were awakened by an ear-splitting rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner on electric guitar, courtesy of the Motor City Madman.

Who among us has not wanted to wake up to the wang bang sweet poontang sounds of Ted Nugent? Which reminds us! The Nuge doesn't just give us the shootin' and killin' and bullyin' we crave. He also gives us the fucking awesomest supergroup on the planet:

Five seasoned Rock Stars descend on Las Vegas to form a band and save Rock and Roll. The catch? None of them know who their band mates are ahead of time. Motor City Madman Ted Nugent, Former Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach and Anthrax's Scott Ian team up with drummer (Led Zeppelin heir) Jason Bonham and Biohazard's Evan Seinfeld to live together, form a band, write new music and perform a concert in just 12 days.

Man, America, that was back in 2006. You missed out so hard on the opportunity to rock out with your cock out to the Nuge and all your favorite band members piled up into one car crash of a band. Are you sad now America???

Nuge shoulda had another show in 2012 but the whiny babies over at the Discovery Channel were all like "no, please, no gun shows after Newtown."

Oft-controversial right wing rocker Ted Nugent doesn't have a home at the Discovery network and it appears that despite his claims, he never really did in the first place.

The channel has canceled the rocker's reality show American Guns in the wake of the tragic Newtown, Connecticut school shootings last week.

Stupid sackless Discovery Channel. Thank god that we have Wanted: Ted or Alive now, because otherwise we wouldn't learn the things we need to keep us safe from the apocalypse and any government led by a black man.

Rock star, activist, and outdoorsman Ted Nugent drops a group of five unsuspecting urbanites into his sprawling ranch in the Michigan wilderness to compete in survival and hunting contests for cash prizes. Ted doesn’t waste any time as players race through a cornfield in search of keys and survival gear before making a madcap 2-mile dash to camp. Tensions build and alliances form quickly as contestants are hunted down by their host, search for food, and have to make and cook, their first kill.

When will you make your first kill, Wonkettanians? When will you feel the sweet blood of a freshly killed animal rolling down your arms as you eat its heart out? Fuck cooking. That'll just destroy all the manly nutrients you need from wildlife. Now get out there, watch the Nuge, and stop being such effete urban weaklings.

[ Media Matters ]