Our Cold Dead Hands

Your Gun Fun Times Roundup: What Politicians Are We Threatening To Murder With Guns Today?

Mama Mia! That's a spicy nine millimeter!Good day, Wonketeers, and welcome to a new feature here on your favorite mommy blog: Our Cold Dead Hands, a roundup of important gun-related news and events. As you may have heard if you have not been in a coma in a cave on a distant planet, guns and gun violence have recently become a wee bit of an issue here in the Greatest Country in the History of the World™. We know it can be difficult keeping up with the multitude of important and insane stories unleashed by the terrible shooting in Newtown and El Presidente Obama’s subsequent dictatorial power grab wherein he suggested that our Congresspersons maybe, if it is not too much trouble and will not take too much time away from their busy daily schedule of being a bunch of useless dicks, pretty please think about doing something like write some gun control laws he can sign. His autopen, it is lonely and rarely used because, as mentioned, our legislators are a bunch of useless dicks.

So we will keep an eye on America’s gun news and you folks can dip in whenever you like and leave the rest of your schedule free for fapping to pictures of Selena Gomez in a bikini, or Justin Bieber in cargo shorts, or Justin Bieber in a bikini if that is your thing.

Guns sure can be great for business. Unless you are an elementary school. Or a movie theater. Or a mall. Or a college. Or a Safeway. Or even a friggin’ gun range. Okay, you are thinking, maybe not those places, but what about a pizza parlor? Can guns be great for business there? Well sure, if you are this pizza parlor in Virginia Beach. The store’s owner has been running a promotion offering 15 percent off all orders if you bring your gun into the shop. Because Virginia allows open carry, the result has been a spike in business from Second Amendment fetishists, not to mention fantastic footage of Virginians with guns on their hips stuffing pizza into their mouth holes and an interview of the shop’s owner with Piers Morgan, during which Piers managed to sneer at and disparage this brave patriot for simply taking full advantage of capitalism’s opportunities to make money now so he can use money when he’s older to support himself when he puts his work into society. Smart thinking, we think? Assuming one of his customers doesn’t accidentally shoot him before then. This story depressed us because we grew up near Virginia Beach and have fond memories of our home, none of which involve seeing our fellow Virginians walking around strapped all the time like they were in Deadwood in 1875. Apparently, over the last decade, walking around strapped all the time has become more of a thing. We’re buying Kevlar before we visit our parents again.

Just south of our native state is North Carolina (Motto: No We Won’t Tell You What The Hell A Tar Heel Is, Google It And Let Us Finish Our Miller Lite in Peace). And in an isolated corner of North Carolina is Cherokee County, home to a community newspaper called the Cherokee Scout. Recently the Scout asked the local sheriff for a list of the names and addresses of everyone in the county who has applied for a concealed-carry permit. Maybe the journalists at the Scout had a story in mind that our puny brain cannot think of for which a list of local gun owners was an integral part. But we will never know, because the good country folk of Cherokee County had a raging, screaming temper tantrum that included death threats against the paper’s editor for requesting a list of information that is technically already public. The threats were severe enough for the editor to resign and move out of the area and for the publisher to pen what Jim Romenesko called “the most incredible newspaper apology ever.” Something similar happened to the Journal News in upstate New York just after Newtown. In any collision of the First and Second Amendments, we guess the Second wins, what with it being armed and all. Gun owners, your touchiness and irrational responses to any perceived threat to what you think is your constitutional right to carry as many high-capacity clips as you can fit in the waistband of your worn-out sweatpants is not exactly reassuring when we know you all are armed. Try some decaf, for America.

Northwest across the Smokies from North Carolina is St. Louis, home of Chris Loesch, the husband of shrieking conservative hell-beast Dana Loesch, a person who makes us want to puncture our own eardrums with an ice pick. This weekend Chris let one of the bats out of his belfry, where it tweeted this:


We would argue that people who seemingly need Berettas with 15-round clips to feel manly should not criticize others for a lack of emotional development. Guns are the lazy man’s self-defense. Chris, try learning wing chun or krav maga. That shit is hard. Now, we understand the concept of keeping a pistol or shotgun around the house or on your person for self-defense, even though we suspect some of the impulse to own lots of weaponry is strongest in people who saw Red Dawn in 1984 and never got over it. The problem we have is not that you want to own guns, it is that guys like you have to be such dicks about it.

Speaking of dicks, again, we mentioned above that our national legislature is full of useless ones. But at least some of them are trying. This week the Senate Judiciary Committee will begin the legislative markup of four gun-control bills, including Dianne Feinstein’s efforts to bring back the Clinton-era assault-weapons ban that expired in 2004, and Chuck Schumer and Tom Coburn’s bill to expand background checks for all gun purchases, assuming the two can overcome Coburn’s objection to permanent record keeping of all purchases. Because why would you want to make people who buy guns responsible for where they might end up or what they might be used for in the future?

We figure any gun control efforts born in our national legislature are doomed. Even if the Senate can overcome a filibuster to get any of these bills to a floor vote, John Boehner will never bring any similar bills to a vote in the House. And let’s look at the politicians who are most out front in pushing gun control in the media: Diane Feinstein from the hippy enclave of California, Chuck Schumer and Governor Andrew Cuomo from New York, Mayor Michael Bloomberg from Jew York City, the president and his vice, Old Handsome Joe Biden. All people who are perceived as representing liberal coastal elites or a presidential administration whose opponents loathe it with a white-hot rage that never, ever seems to wane. We can do the math.

The real action on gun control will come from either Oval Office executive orders or at the state level. State legislatures are where the really nutty ideas are born and nurtured and occasionally passed.

Oh, but sometimes there are good ideas in our nation’s meth democracy labs, and sometimes the people with those good ideas get gnarly death threats from very, very sane people without any anger management issues at all, and then those people’s lawyers call those death threats “free speech”!

Here’s before he gets too death threaty:

THANKS N—– C—! You really think passing any more laws will stop gun violence? You and that other N—– OBAMA are living in fantasy land. Chicago and DC have the most strict gun laws in the nation and more people die from gun violence than anywhere. You f—ing c—s are pathetic excuse for civil servants. Hell, n—–s love shooting themselves with GATS, isn’t that what your people call it. What you have done here is creater criminals out of law abiding citizens, and put yourself out of a job. You politicians have no idea what you are even doing anyway, do you know how long it takes some to change a magazine, less than a second, so what if some with experience decides to flip out and bring their gun in with 5 or so 10 round magazines, they can do the same amount of damage. Limiting magazine sizes is stupididty, [sic] and will not work. I for one have 100+ 30 ronds mags and 150 round drums. I will never give those up and I am far from being some whack job. What I am pissed off at c— n—— who know nothing about what they are doing and knee jerk react rather than look for a solution to fix the problem and enforce existing laws. We will all work very hard to ensure there is no job for you 2014. We will make it our mission to ensure each Democrat who supports this law is also out of a job.

And here is where he gets nice and death threaty.

Watching you live, you are a pathetic N—– C— alnog with MCCANN, two c—- who are way overdue a good f—ing… and hopefully somebody Gifords both of your asses with a gun……. you are both pieces of monkey sh– who have no right or reason to be in the position you are…. f— off c—……

Oh good, it is racial slur Mad Libs! What was Mr. Franklin “Aladdin” Sain trying to call Colorado legislator and gun control bill introducer Rhonda Fields? A nifty chick? We will go with “nifty chick.” Mr. Sain has been suspended from his job, which is run by people of color who perhaps object to white dudes calling black legislators “monkey shit” and also the whole “threatening to kill people thing.”

Luckily, his lawyers explain, threatening to kill people is your First Amendment right! (No it isn’t. Franklin Sain’s lawyer is apparently not very good at “law.”)

Until next week, good Wonkers, keep your heads on a swivel (so you can see if one of our nation’s 300 million guns is pointed at you) and always, always remember to duck. Ciao!

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