Pretenders to the throne (no, really – we assume they pretend they won the 2012 election all the damn time, like with presidential cosplay and stuffs) Highness Mittens and Princess Romney went on Fox News on Sunday. BIG SURPRISE. I mean, what is more relevant right now than giving losers a chance to explain how Obummer and the Democrats are the real losers and America should weep for what they hath lost:
“I look at what’s happening right now — I wish I were there,” Romney told Chris Wallace, in an taping conducted last week in California. “It kills me not to be there. Not to be in the White House doing what needs to be done.”
Romney criticized President Obama’s handling of the budget showdown engulfing Washington, saying, “We don’t have to have gridlock settings one after the other, on issue after issue.
Oh, America! What have you done? Instead of the partisan gridlock you have now, you could have…well, partisan gridlock when the Senate refused to go along with any plan concocted by Boehner and Mitt, the no-glimmer weepy twins.
Ann Romney also shared her feelings on history’s greatest tragedy, explaining how she lies awake at night wishing for what might have been:
Ann Romney conceded that she was not fully over the election defeat. “It would have been much better for America, I believe, in my heart if he had been there right now.”
Her heart believes things! Why won’t you follow Ann Romney’s well-upholstered luxurious heart America?! Ann knows that Mitt is, underneath all the grasping acquisitive insulting haughtiness, an “exceptional, wonderful person.” Exceptional, wonderful people are excellent at walking back their statement that most of ‘Merica were lazy government-dependent moochers:
One issue that plagued him at the end of his run was the release of a secretly recorded video showing him speaking at a fundraiser, in which he said that 47% of Americans would vote for the president no matter what, as they were “dependent on the government.” He told Wallace that the statement was “very harmful” and “not what I believe.”
This happens to yr Wonkette an unbelievable amount! We call someone a douchebag or a bloated clown face when our hearts are actually filled with sunshine and joy and well-wishes for all. We start out meaning to wish we could buy Ann and Mitt another pony that costs more than our house, but somewhere between our brain and the keyboard, it turns into wishing we could cock-punch them into next week. We try to say what a pretty lady Ann is, inside and out, but then we end up laughing our asses off at the thought of her flailing around on Dancing With The Stars. Truth: we are filled with regret that Princess Ann declined to join the DWTS cast because that would be almost as good as when Bristol did.
It’s OK for us to say these terrible things, though, because we are exceptional and wonderful people. Perhaps you should consider nominating yr Wonkette for a 2016 presidential run?