Yr wonket already took it upon itself to publish our own acknowledgment that obnoxious douchebag Andrew made himself judgement-proof by dying last year. Given that this anniversary is probably the most interesting news story of the day outside of Josh Trevino’s Malaysian slush fund, we had some free time to browse through the various remembrances over at Ghost Breitbart’s clubhouse of lost boys.
As it turns out, former failed Congressman/Presidential Candidate and master forger Thaddeus McCotter had some time on his hands and decided to break away from his van down by the river long enough to write this masterpiece titled: Pop Cultural Conservatism Year One A.B. (After Breitbart). And if you think that the Jesus reference was blasphemous enough, McCotter also decided to test his “balding white guy with a guitar” street cred by trotting out cultural references concerning a belief system even more dogmatic and purity-obsessed than Christianity: Punk Rock.
In the devastating wake of his passing, it’s often forgotten how Andrew’s “merry prankster” messaging was routinely dismissed and/or derided by a GOP establishment that, as often as not, treated him as a pariah. Ultimately, Andrew’s rebel cry and the “rutting class’” stodgy talking points proved as irreconcilable as “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” and William Shatner’s vocal cords.
We were. What Punk did for Rock-n-Roll, Andrew’s reinvigorating creativity did for conservatism’s forsaken generation of “Rock-n-Roll Republicans” who came of age during the Reagan years. Rejecting disco’s soulless, strobe-streaked smoke and mirrors, Punk had rekindled the smoldering embers of Rock-n-Roll’s rebellious fire in the belly (and lower). Per usual, the genre’s achievement was only fully appreciated after its demise, when Punk Rock was superseded by, yes, the lame ass, techno-’80’s hair bands Andrew loved.
That shrieking howl of pure anger that you just heard coming from the Bay Area was Jello Biafra feeling a great disturbance in the force as his beloved art form is once again being misappropriated by ignorant assholes.
Ironically, Guitar Man Thad’s dumbass metaphor actually exposes the hilarious nature of the modern conservative self-image. The whole “conservative kids are the true punks” meme makes about as much sense as any of the ridiculous bile that Breitbart has ejaculated on the masses, and is about as historically accurate as well.
The modern conservative movement we all know and love has its roots in a variety of places, but it can mainly be traced back to the marketing geniuses and sociopathic criminals who ran that proto-punk Richard Nixon’s 1968 campaign. That is where the “cultural conservatism” that McCotter is attributing to Breitbart for some reason began in earnest. Eventually many of the same young Nixonites found their way over to Reagan, taking along their complete disregard for democracy and their unwavering confidence in white supremacy and Randian social darwinism. The only difference between that generation and the Goldwater crowd was an acceptance of music outside of Pat Boone as a recruiting tool for folks who didn’t know any better.
Breitbart was not some christ-like figure sent here to liberate the old stodgy Republican party from the reign of the lame asses from the Bush Administration. No, he was a better than average blogger who knew to suck up to the right people with cash at a time when there was a void in the market for somewhat intelligible conservative web scribblers with an ounce of promotional skills.
Furthermore, his followers are not the hard-as-nails, do it yourself punks that they desperately wish to portray themselves as whenever they have the chance to explain their purpose to gullible members of the political press. Instead, the Breitbartarians are the humorless and vindictive tools of the establishment whose sole reason for prominence is based on their loyalty to preserving the cruelest elements of the social order. They are not Bad Brains in 1980 or even Joey Ramone randomly declaring himself a Reagan supporter. These folks are Ian Stuart Donaldson and Skrewdriver; individuals who sadly decided to use their talents to reinforce fascism.
McCotter did get one thing right in his dumb hagiography. Sadly it involves comparing his friend to the only public figure more universally reviled than a journalist: a used car salesman
Lacking a pop-cultural connection with voters, today’s conservative movement is a rusting 1967 Plymouth Barracuda: “Don’t nobody want this shit”; and we’ve lost our top salesman.
That’s more like it Thad.