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Walmart Proudly Announces Its Worker-To-Prison Program

walmart: the temple of socialized capitalismWalmart is initiating a new phase of growth, that of its worker-to-prison program, which makes perfect sense when you think about it, really. Of course, it is not an OFFICIAL worker-to-prison program; it’s just that they HAPPEN to be charging one of their workers with a felony because she ate “multiple” oreo cookies while on her shift. Perhaps they should team up with a for-profit prison, and expand this program and see where it takes them! Anyway, back to the Great Oreo Caper: employee Penny Winters was kind of hungry and couldn’t really afford to buy a snack on her $11.74/hr pay, so she just liberated the cookies via her own reconnaissance, and when caught, was charged with felony theft. Did we mention that she has been with Walmart for eight years?

From the police report:

[Walmart asset protection manager Kenneth] Moreno advised that the thefts consisted mostly of food items, such as snacks, deli sandwiches, etc., and that Ms. [Penny] Winters provided an explanation that she simply did not have the monies to legitimately purchase the food  items. […]

Ms. Winters advised that she would select the merchandise form the shelves and take them to the “back” break room where she would casually eat the contents and dispose of the rappers, without ever paying for them. […] Ms. Winters attempted to describe her situation as dire, saying that she takes care of her son due to his being involved in a motorcycle accident in September and having “no money”, however when asked why she chose to steal “junk food” items and chewing gum as opposed to legitimate food products commonly associated with necessity, i.e. bread, milk, eggs, etc., Ms. Winters could not provide an explanation.

Yeah Ms. Winters, if you’re going to steal food while you’re on your shift and then sneak it into the break room to “casually eat the contents,” why don’t you steal HEALTHY food and then sneak it into the break room to casually prepare, say, a vegetable frittata or eggs Florentine? YOU CAN’T EVEN STEAL RIGHT.

The good news: we finally know the answer to whether or not it is wrong for a man (or in this case, a woman) to steal bread (oreos) to feed his starving family, and it IS wrong, and Wal Mart is NOT going to take it.

[Smoking Gun] [Daily Kos]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
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