Scott Brown Ironically Makes Himself Look Worse By Declaring Multiple Decades Of Sobriety

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A Very Sober Scott Brown
Recent Fox News hire (and worst Massachusetts export since Aerosmith) Scott Brown finally addressed his now infamous late night tweeting in an interview with a local Boston news station. As it turns out, the depressingly passive-aggressive tone and surrealist style of spelling employed by the Ex-Senator was not the product of a four-hour interview with Johnnie Walker, but rather the fault of Steve Jobs not accounting for Brown’s stubby paws trying to work the new iPhone:

“Anyone ever hear of pocket tweet, pocket dial? I mean it was pretty simple. I have an iPhone 5. If anyone has iPhone 5, the keys are small,” Brown said. “It’s very, very sensitive.”


He said he never expected the story to blow up, and was surprised to find out that he was a trending topic on Twitter the next morning.

“Ayla was teaching me how to get on Facebook and Twitter,” Brown said of his oldest daughter. “There are some areas that I didn’t really didn’t understand. It was after her concert, we were here right in the living room. I responded to a couple of people. Then I put it in my pocket. The next thing, I wake up and it trended worldwide.”

Well that makes sense. Scott Brown being the incredibly elderly and frail man that he is at 53 was simply confused by the crazy machine in his pocket that beeps uncontrollably and just happens to have Hustler’s mobile site bookmarked. The fact that the twitter handle @ScottBrownMA has 1800 tweets and preexisted “Bqhatevwr” night can also be explained by “butt-dialing.” Scott Brown’s ass just wasn’t as articulate and careful that night as it was throughout the November Campaign.

Scott goes further in explaining what happened, and states explicitly that neither he nor his magical tweeting ass ever get drunk:

“First of all, I rarely drink. The last time I was ever drunk was at my bachelor party and that was what? — 28 years ago, 27 years ago,” Brown said. “So I guess no one has ever pocket dialed or pocket tweeted before.”

This bombshell not only completely dispels the commonly accepted theory that Scott was drunk that night (or that his ass was engaged in butt-chugging), but it also removes a pretty decent excuse for most of the crazy shit that Brown has done in public over the years. As Brown was married in 1986, the vast majority of the rather odd things that are associated with the ex-half term Senator occurred when he was completely sober. Which is TERRIFYING.

  • 1982: Brown Poses Nude for Cosmopolitan Magazine. This is before Brown was married, so we can safely assume that the only way he was able to drop trou was to throw back a couple of Moet/Quaaludes cocktails.
  • 2010: Brown wins the special election for Senate, and immediately pimps out his daughters on national television. Was Brown sober for this? Yes. Scott Brown does not need to be marinated in scotch to be creepy as fuck.
  • Later in 2010: Brown starts an entirely imagined campaign against Rachel Maddow for no particular reason. Not only was Brown sober throughout this entire weird incident, but he was actually mainlining Moose testosterone because that just how much he DOMINATED 2010.
  • 2012: Brown rambles on about the various “kings and queens” that he supposedly meets with on a daily basis, much to the confusion of everyone. At this point Brown was not drunk, but rather he was suffering from long term carbon monoxide poisoning after close to three straight years of ingesting truck fumes from constantly campaigning as a good ‘ol boy.
  • Also in 2012: Brown centers his entire re-election campaign on the fact that Elizabeth Warren claimed Native American Heritage at some point in her life. Again this was after 1986, so Brown was definitely not drunk. He was just a racist asshole without a substantive plan on how to retain his job.

[TPM]

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