Help Us Help You Help Us!

There was a hilarious David Carr story in the New York Times that we missed in December, about this one-man website The Wirecutter. According to Carr, "Mr. Lam’s revenue is low, about $50,000 a month, but it’s doubling every quarter, enough to pay his freelancers, invest in the site and keep him in surfboards." Hahahaha, GOOD ONE, DAVID CARR!

The Wirecutter's traffic, according to this story, is about two-thirds the traffic that we garner here at Your Wonket. And if we were making the "low" revenues of $50,000 a month, we would hire four people at $70k plus bennies and still be THE RICHEST LADY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND LEAVE ALL OUR MONEY TO OUR DOG. We would not even be working a second job, the papers for which have gone ungraded for seven weeks of this 10-week quarter! Fuck we do not want to grade those. Give us money.

But we figure, since it is a lovely Presidents Day slow news day, with stories out there like "Nebraska Senator Mike Johanns to retire" (WHO?), this is a fantastic time to help you suss out how to help us get paid without ending up in CLICK FRAUD JAIL.

Things You Can Click On To Your Heart's Content Without Ending Up In Click Fraud Jail

• That Newsmax feed. We will get rid of it just as soon as we hit the low revenues of $50,000 per month. Until then, think of it as drinking Dick Morris's liquor, screwing his women, taking his money, and then voting against him, which we are pretty sure was what Huey Long said, and if he didn't he should have. Click away!

• Those "Around the Web" stories about Lindsay Lohan and chicks in bikinis and whatnot. They want you to click them. Click click click!

• That Amazon box over in the right side rail. You don't have to buy books by any of us. Once you click that box, you can buy Hello Kitty dildoes or any other terrible thing you like, and we will get a small cut. Buy buy buy!

• Those "share" and "tweet" buttons at the bottom of posts. They will show you a small, really not terribly annoying ad. We get lots of money if people click those, but people only ever click the "like" button, which does not give us money. Share! Tweet! Share! And stuff.

• Those Care2 petitions. When you sign one, we get a buck we think, and you will get an inbox brimming with emails from Care2 for the rest of your natural life! Sign sign sign.

• The Donate button. You can even earmark a donation for your favorite blogger! Wouldn't that be nice? Donate donate donate.

• The Wonkette Bazaar. You know what you could really buy if you wanted to help a sister out? The "The One" and "kitten with a whip cups," because those are going nowhere. (We fucked up the design on "The One" so you cannot see Angel Barack Obama's face too good. So when you get your cup, do not complain to us that we fucked up the design so that you cannot see Angel Barack Obama's face too good, k? Thanks.)

Things You Cannot Click On Like A Demon Unless You Want To Get Your Wonket Banned From Ads (Please Don't Get Your Wonket Banned From Ads)

• Ads. You are not supposed to click indiscriminately, but rather only if the ad is for something you might be interested in. Isn't that stupid? Yes it is! Please don't click-fraud.

And there you have it. You're welcome, America.