Wonkettians that are in possession of children, specifically girl children, specifically 8, 9, 10-year-old girl children: have you been worried that your small girl child is just too…revealing? A little bit too…not-modest? You’re in luck, denizens of Wonkettia, because now you have a resource, complete with helpful Q&A, to make sure that your 8-year-old isn’t a slutty slut slut. Yes indeed, God has a secret plan for your girl, who should keep everything secret so she gets to learn God’s secret plan. Is that right? We think that is right. You know what? We’ll let the site explain:
A Secret Keeper Girl values modesty, she surrounds herself with wise friends and she embraces Godly beauty. So, she keeps the deepest secrets of her beauty for just one man. But she also knows that she can share all of her heart secrets with her mom at any time. The coolest thing for you to know is that a Secret Keeper Girl is a masterpiece created by God. So whether you are new to our site or a SKG pro who’s been to an event, read “Secret Keeper” or already had eight great dates with your momma, you, sweet girl, are a Secret Keeper Girl because you are a true masterpiece created by God’s hand.
Repeated dates with Mommy! That sounds fun, if you’re Norman Bates! What else should your 8-year-old do to not be such a whore? She should make sure her belly never shows, because her belly should be saved for her husband, so she should wear boy underwear under her clothes. (SOUNDS CROSS-DRESSY TO US.) She should sit in front of a mirror and make sure she can’t see her thighs! She should avoid the horror of something called “future cleavage.” (No, we don’t know either. Stop asking us.) She should also attend one of these awesome pajama parties in the South where there’s the bestest fashion show ever:
You’ll love the all-new Secret Keeper Girl Live: The Pajama Party Tour!…Girls will love the stage decorated with balloon sculptures, the up-beat worship times and the crazy mother-daughter showdowns as the “slumber numbers” clock clicks towards “midnight.” Moms will laugh at the hilarious look at fashion during the “Totally Tubular TV Moms Show”…which shows off the fashion of famous moms like Lucy, Jane Jetson, Alice from the Brady Bunch, and Claire Huxtable. Everyone will embrace the fabulous fashion show featuring 8-12 year old girls in today’s hottest looks hidden under their fuzzy robes. These outfits also reflect modesty and pass the Secret Keeper Girl “Truth or Bare” Fashion Tests.
Those are some hot up to date moms, yo! Also, too, ALICE IS NOT THE MOM ON THE BRADY BUNCH. THAT WAS CAROL BRADY. ALICE IS THE MAID AND SHE HAS THE GAY. Jesus. If you’re going to make your 8-year-olds un-slutty, you’re at least going to have to show some moms instead of live-in gay maids that (sluttily, of course) date the butcher.
So, to sum up: make sure your 8-year-old dates Mommy repeatedly. Make sure your 8-year-old learns fashion from cartoon and sitcom characters. Make sure your child (only girl childs, duh) never shows an ounce of skin ever, except to her husband someday. HAVE FUN.
[SecretKeeperGirls via Jessica Valenti]