consider the crab

U.S. Winning War On Sluts Through Proud Tradition Of Self-Inflicted Stupidity

My dick tastes like burningHappy Friday everyone! Did you have an awesome Valentine’s Day yesterday? Did you follow yr Wonket’s advice and fuck literally anyone besides one of the Vestal Virgins over in the rightwing blogosphere? Congrats! Oh and you should probably go over to Planned Parenthood after breakfast because you probably have the clap now:

The United States’ persistently high rates of sexually transmitted infections are incurring billions of dollars in medical costs, according to new data released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention just in time for Valentine’s Day. The new report details what one of the CDC researchers describes as “an ongoing, severe, STI epidemic” in this country.

Now how exactly does the US maintain this proud distinction as having the highest rate of STDs of any nation in the industrialized world? Through our 50 Shades of Derp of course! As it turns out, everyone is at least partially responsible for our collective burning sensations and red white and blue genital discharges.

Obviously those who believe that STI’s are a gift from god in the battle against gays and uppity women are doing their part to spread the glory of this public health crisis through shitty abstinence only education. However the persistently high rate is also a bipartisan accomplishment of dumb, as parents of all backgrounds have found justifications for inflicting cancer on their kids:

Satterwhite’s study estimated that HPV is by far the most common STD in the United States, with 14.1 million new HPV infections in 2008 as well as 79.1 million ongoing infections that were already prevalent that year. Yet previous CDC reports have found that unacceptably low numbers of Americans are getting vaccinated for HPV, as just about 35 percent of girls between 13 and 17 have received their recommended HPV shots in 2011 — a sobering statistic that contributes to the fact that HPV-related cancers have been on the rise over the last several years.

So despite having a vaccine that can prevent the development of cervical, oral, and anal cancers, people across our broad cultural and political spectrum have decided to listen to public health luminaries like Michele Bachmann and Jenny McCarthy instead of those nerds at the CDC. We are also sticking it to the Kenyan Usurper’s Stalinist takeover of our healthcare system by more or less completely avoiding the HPV screening process that stupid Obamacare is paying for. CUE LEE GREENWOOD!

But hey aren’t there some diseases that we can actually cure with a shot? Yup! The STI’s that your parents used to regularly catch after $10 cover night at Plato’s Retreat are still treatable with antibiotics…for now at least:

the recent CDC report from last week suggests that some U.S. samples of Neisseria gonorrhoeae are no longer responding quite as well as they used to against cephalosporins either — the bacteria have become less susceptible — and now the new strain in Japan is reportedly resistant to everything.

That brings us back to what researcher Magnus Unemo called “alarming.” Gonorrhea is by no means the most deadly of sexually transmitted infections. But it is among the most common — with 700,000 new cases in the U.S. each year, and an estimated 340 million new cases each year globally.

FANTASTIC! Our other modern trend of severe antibiotics overuse teamed up with that asshole Charles Darwin to bring us back to the preciously retro age of widespread sterility and swollen testicles.

But don’t fret too much about your inevitable future of chronic health problems and the return of hilariously awful PSA’s like this. It turns out that we have totally crushed at least one nasty sexually transmitted condition:

“Pubic grooming has led to a severe depletion of crab louse populations,” said Ian F. Burgess, a medical entomologist with Insect Research & Development Ltd. in Cambridge, England. “Add to that other aspects of body hair depilation, and you can see an environmental disaster in the making for this species.”

Pubic lice, known scientifically as Phthirus pubis, infest about 2 percent to 10 percent of the human population, researchers at East Carolina University said in a 2009 study.

That’s right we killed crabs through our vanity! Suck on that science! Who cares if it also happens to make us more susceptible to herpes, no more embarrassing trips to CVS for that special shampoo. We did it!

[Think Progress]

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