LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION  1:00 pm February 13, 2013

Marco Rubio Can’t Wait To Get Out Of Middle Class Hell-Hole

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Racist Scarface quote goes hereMarco Rubio talked last night, we are told (we couldn’t hear him over the yowling noises coming from his Sad Hairs), about some stuff.

Like the middle class, and how he is middle class, and how he loves living among the middle class and you won’t find him leaving his beloved middle class neighborhood to hang out with the Limousine Ayerses in Hyde Park (probably). So let’s look at the $675,000 real estate listing for the middle class home Rubio is trying to sell, so he can decamp with his family to tony DC!


It looks sort of nice from the street, this house Marco Rubio is trying to sell. It has trees. We hug them.


It is not very pretty on the inside, though, this house Marco Rubio is trying to sell. We really wish people would stop painting everything beige, which is the color of sad.


Cool decorating, bro! But we feel like it is missing something. (It is missing a Nagel.)

Granite countertops are the worst thing in the entire universe if you don’t count blood diamonds. You would think some flipper bought this middle class 1970s house and slapped on beige paint and granite and then sold it to the Rubios for half a mil. BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. According to Zillow, the house was built in 2005, which means it is made out of soap flakes and cotton. (Also according to Zillow, Marco Rubio is trying to sell it for a cool hundred grand more than it is worth.)

Ugh, this back yard is so cluttered.

But this is a nice pool. Michelle Pfeiffer could totally snort rails by it.

The trampoline probably does not come with the house, but there are like 27 pictures of it.

And there you have it: Marco Rubio’s middle class hellhole, which he is desperately trying to leave. At least this one is not in foreclosure (yet).

[Estately]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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