When Is The GOP Response To The State of the Union? When Is The Tea Party Response To The State of the Union? When Is ‘My Little Pony’ On?

  The Wrath of Cons

Men Making Serious GesturesThe GOP Response to the most exciting SOTU evaris real soon! The Tea Party Response to the SOTU is after that! Marco Rubio is giving the official GOP response, and Rand Paul is giving the Tea Party response. Neither is expected to be as entertaining as that one time when Kenneth the NBC Page gave the response, or when that one crazy lady stared at a point several inches to one side of the camera that was broadcasting to the nation. We predict they will both say, OK, Barry, you won, have it your way! And then they will kiss, passionately.

What is the drinking game? If you’re going to get through listening to these guys, drinking is not a game. For one thing, if you are not already soused by now, you are either abstaining, working, or just not trying. Drink whenever you need to, which may be “all the time.”

10:30 The frozen smile of Marco Rubio draws us like an eldritch horror, and then he speaks. American exceptionalism AND life begins at conception in one line! WOW.

10:35 President Obama does not understand that, despite no evidence of it ever working, supply-side economics is the Way, the Truth, and the Light! Obamacare has utterly failed, without even going into effect!

10:37 In spite of all the favors we give to rich people, the President still says we work for the benefit of rich people!

10:38 What did he just do there, with his hair? Or was it his ear? We do not know! But Let’s please please please drill everywhere!

10:40 This guy’s gestures and his hair… really too much with the hands, sir. It is like you are doing your own ASL interpretation but all you are saying is HURRRRRRRRRRR. Rebecca and Snipy point out that he needs some Biden Plugz…such sad hairs. But soon he won’t have to because it is all going away.

10:42 An astonishingly short bit of fellatio for the NRA there… and WHOA, maintaining eye contact while leaning way over to drink your wee bottle of water! Nicely done!

10:45 We were a bit distracted by The Lunge there. Limey Lizzie tweets: “he is sweating like Albert Brooks in Broadcast News.” Something about looking into your child’s eyes. Sadly, you cannot afford glasses for your child, America.

It is over remarkably fast, and at least he didn’t ask God to smite the Usurper. He also didn’t Jindal up the place. And now, as so often happens, we want to punch David Brooks, so we are back to normal. Tea Party madness coming soon!

Obama was bland and all over the place, but his speech will be remembered for the last 5 minutes on victims of gun violence deserving a vote. Rubio gave a pretty serviceable presentation of the usual talking points, but his speech will be remembered for The Water Bottle Lunge.

10:55 we’re still waiting for Rand Paul Shrugged here; we are open to suggestions for what to call Rubio’s hydration-reach tonight… Maybe it will be the Marco! Polo! Lunge! Ideas, Wonkers?

11:01 Sorry, kids, found RandPaul at CSPAN (link removed, yelled at, and laptop set afire) just now, already talking. He just stopped talking. Agggh.

11:05 Well, so much for live-blooging that Rand Paul thing, but we pretty know what it was about anyway: FREEDUM. So instead, here is one of the better Twits of the evening:

Neda Semnani ‏@Neda_Semnani
I’m very thirsty, and see a glass of water, but am scared to drink it because people were mean to the thirsty Florida man

11:30 The good news is that we have finally found a video of the Rand Paul response! The bad news is that it sapped our will to stay up and write about it, so we will do a recap tomorrow morning!

Instead, here is TPM’s very important video of Marco Rubio taking a drink, which went up within minutes of the end of his speech. We must point out that it is STUPID LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR BULLSHIT TO FOCUS ON IT, so here it is:

11:38 And now that everyone’s gone to bed, we think of a name for it. With apologies to Jethro Tull:

AQUA LUNGE

Goodnight.

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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