What Kind Of ‘Foreplay’ Is John Boehner Looking For?

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boehner gets his groove onJohn Boehner, the weepy, drunky Speaker of the House who quite honestly would be your Wonkette’s favorite person in the world if he were a weepy drunky Dem instead of a scaredy little buttboy for Congress’s teabags (can you even imagine how many shot glasses we would sell with his weepy mug on them?), said a funny thing!

They were jawin’ about immigration — jaw jaw jaw yak yak yak — and John Boehner said, “How about a little foreplay first?” Yesssss, John Boehner, how about it? (Before you all start commenting about washing your eyeballs with lye, be honest to yourselves and admit that Boehner is a very handsome man. And of course Wonket has daddy issues, why do you ask?)

Let us imagine, together, the kind of foreplay John Boehner might like — besides Eric Cantor whispering “You’re the real boss, John.”

We cannot envision, despite the weeping, that he would ever be into adult-baby play, like some freakos your Wonket known, so that is out. But we can imagine him doing fat rails with very matoor 13-year-olds, like The Colonel in Boogie Nights.

What we really see, though, is some swanky ’70s-style romantic boudoir action, with tickling with long pink feathers (because classy) and lavender satin sheets (because ELP’s “Lucky Man,” basically). Also: about two liters of vodka, and whisky dick.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


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