the culling

What A Star We Lost When Barack Obama Beat Alan Keyes

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Alan Keyes is not your average man. For one thing, he is probably clinically insane. For another, we will never, ever forget — we will be 108 years old, on our deathbed, laughing and cackling — the South Carolina GOP primary debate when Alan Keyes shouted and yelled that the question “what is your biggest regret” (WHICH WAS ASKED OF EVERY CANDIDATE) was “racist.” Why would anyone assume he had ever done anything wrong? IS IT BECAUSE HE IS BLACK?

Well, yes. Obviously!

But what about that alternate timeline where Alan Keyes beats that upstart Barack Obama in the Illinois Senate election, and goes on to become President of the United States? What then?

Well, we would not be grabbing everyone’s weapons so we can “cull them,” that is for sure, because Alan Keyes is simply not going to stand for it!

Also, we would be governed by a clinically insane person, so that might have had its downsides.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Joey Tranchina

    There is something ugly about Alan Keyes; something that repeatedly makes his articulate threats impotent.

    His singular power is to inspire guilt in the vulnerable and disgust in anyone with the least sense of enlightenment. Keyes, a serial political sacrificial lamb, served as a placeholder in lost races, until the GOP realized that he left such a bad taste with people that he turned off future Republican voters.

    Keyes’ light-weight rerun Jeremiah act — moralizing mumbo-jumbo with no vision — makes him a pathetic figure at the fringe of reactionary politics, with the power to be unpleasant. Alan Keyes is not a force in American politics but he remains a stench.

    After listening to his addlepated shriek, I give up…
    There is no better way to describe Alan Keyes than you did:
    He is “probably clinically insane.”