Did you watch sportsball last night? We did too! Sportsball was probably really amazing. We have no idea, since we were drinking heavily. We paid attention, however, during the sportsball halftime because there were sexxxxxy ladiez on our teevee and we like sexxxxxy ladiez on our teevee a great deal, perhaps even more so when intoxicated. Kathryn Lopez was also watching sportsball, but she was not at all happy about sexxxxxy ladiez on her teevee:
I don’t want to linger on this, but last night’s Super Bowl half-time show was ridiculous — and gratuitously so. Watching Twitter, it was really no surprise that men made comments about stripper poles and putting dollar bills through their TV sets, was it?
Why can’t we have a national entertainment moment that does not include a mother gyrating in a black teddy?
OK, first, you ARE lingering. The rest of us are nursing our hangovers and wishing we took the day off. Only you, Kathryn Lopez, are still having a sad about Beyowulf’s performance last night. Also, too: why is it the fault of Beyonslay that men on the Twitters were crude? Is this that weird Catholic thing where wimmenz have to be super-chaste less they tempt the menfolk? How IS life in 1953, anyway? Finally, why on god’s green earth does it matter if she’s a mother? Can non-mothers gyrate in black teddies? Should mothers only gyrate in white teddies to symbolize purity? Perhaps red teddies to simulate the blood of childbirth? WE ARE SO CONFUSED ABOUT SEXY MOMS NOW.
Lopez would also like you to know that she was very disappointed about the Destiny’s Child reunion. We found the entire reunion kinda gleeful, because BeyBey was boss enough to make them come out and sing backup on her solo material, but K-Lo scoldsplains to us that we should be sad about it for sure:
The priceless moment was Destiny’s Child reuniting to ask that someone “put a ring on it.” As I mentioned on Twitter last night, perhaps that case might be best made in another outfit, perhaps without the crotch grabbing.
Sexy mommies, you may not wish for a ring on anything if you are wearing black teddies. Please to ensure color-appropriate teddies with greater coverage before you demand wedding rings. Also, never touch your junk. That makes you go blind AND makes Kathryn Lopez very uncomfortable. (Repeated close viewings in the Snipy Household of Female Lesbians and Rescue Dogs suggest Beyonce and Co.’s hands were only near their hoo-hahs, as if that makes any difference at all to Kathryn Jean Lopez.)
Finally, who the hell is the editor over at National Review that missed titling K-Lo’s story “Put a Dress On It” instead of “Put a Dress on”? Yr Wonkette would NEVER have blown that chance.