Hero Oregon Baker Refuses To Bake Sodomite Wedding Cake, So There
In yet another intersection of baked goods and culture-war politics, a Portland-area baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple is now the focus of protests by supporters of gay marriage, increased patronage from opponents of gay marriage, and an investigation by the state's attorney general's office, since Oregon prohibits discrimination based on sexual orientation. Forecasters predict periodic rage and scattered self-righteous snits, although it is uncertain whether conditions are right for the development of a full-blown shitstorm.
Aaron Klein, owner of Sweet Cakes in Gresham, Oregon, said that his religious beliefs prevented him from selling a preparation of flour, eggs, sugar and water to the couple because he believes that an invisible deity would be highly displeased by the things they do with their genitals when they are nowhere near a bakery. He is certain that commerce with such persons would therefore cause this deity to be displeased with him, as such commerce would endorse the prohibited sexual practices.
“I apologized for wasting their time and said we don’t do same-sex marriages,” Klein said Friday. "I “honestly did not mean to hurt anybody, didn’t mean to make anybody upset, [it’s] just something I believe in very strongly.
The offended deity was unavailable for comment, but people who agree with Klein's stance have arrived in large numbers to purchase baked goods, thereby demonstrating that the deity will shower riches upon those who support "traditional" practices of genital-usage.
“We’ll be coming here as long as they’re here,” said Miya Shalashov, who supports Klein’s decision. “We’ll buy everything.”
Supporters of government-approved marriage contracts between persons with similar genitalia also used baked goods to demonstrate their opposition to Klein's position:
Two women protested the decision Saturday by giving away free cupcakes outside Sweet Cakes bakery and holding signs that said “tolerance is sweet” and “don’t hate, let them eat cake.”
“We just thought that was really hurtful and we feel like we should be out here taking a stand,” said protester Rachel Oleson. “We’re not going to go along with that type of hate.”
It is unknown at press time whether online reviews of the bakery will reflect heavier trolling by supporters or detractors of Klein's deeply-held convictions regarding a possible deity's prohibition of certain combinations of body parts.
Klein said he doesn’t care about the publicity.
“It comes down to one thing plain and simple,” he said. “This is what I believe. This is my religious faith.
“The initial rush may wane, we’ll see how that plays out, but again, like I said, I’m willing to take this as far as it needs to go to stand up for what I believe in.”
The Portland couple who initially sought to purchase a confection from Klein, but found to their disappointment that the cake was a lie, has filed a discrimination complaint, and through their attorney have expressed their gratitude to supporters. They also wish to remain anonymous, which will no doubt inspire someone to do whatever they can to determine their identity and post their address and phone number online, because America.
As an antidote to this particular cake-related douchery, please click on this rather adorable HuffPo story about a 15 year old girl who baked a cake to come out to her parents.
Looks like it's not that far into greater Portland - almost a straight shot in from Boring* on rte 26.
* Yes, really.
For a week or two, anyway, until they get tired of driving an extra 6 blocks to buy cookies.
After that, the punitive damages and court costs for discriminatory sales practices are likely to take a nice bite out of the cookie.