Conservatives To Facebook: Screw You Guys, We're Going Home

Has Facebook not been meeting your needs, conservative friends? Have you long wished for an alternative where you and only your people could come together and share pictures of guns to fap to and new not-at-all-true emails to forward to your liberal-scumbag family? Do you wish it had a snappy name like facespace or mybook or any of the other made-up social networks on Law and Order: SVU? (Listen, people, NOT GETTING SUED is important and awesome, so we do not blame Dick Wolf for not accidentally defaming Mark Zuckerberg and then having to turn over all his money and private information forever.)

OK listen. They couldn't come up with a clever portmanteau name for their no-liebruls-allowed treehouse, so they just went with Tea Party Community. Would you like to know more?

The Tea Party Community co-founder Ken Crow tells Fox News , he wants to make it the Facebook alternative for conservatives and the Tea Party movement.

So far, it has drawn upward of 50,000 members, attracted to what Crow calls a “safe haven for the conservative movement where we can share ideas and thoughts and express ourselves without fear of retribution.”

Crow claims that he and other conservatives have been targeted by Facebook and its liberal users simply for attempting to express their political point of view.

Yes, Facebook has been keeping the conservative man DOWN. (Just ask Victoria Jackson, she NEVER SHUTS UP about it!) To solve that, the best thing you can possibly do is COMPLETELY FUCKING STEAL Facebook's layout for your own nonsense site. (HuffPo, in a delightful bit of understatement, states simply that the page looks "remarkably similar to Facebook.") Seriously, Tea Party Community? May I call you TPC? Much snappier. TPC, Mark Zuckerberg's army of flying monkeys...er...lawyers, are going to rip off your head and shit down your throat, to put it politely. You're talking about a guy that forced his business partners - PEOPLE HE LIKED - out of business forever and routinely dicks over every person in the world by creating a morass of privacy settings one would need a Ph.D to navigate. You think the guy won't just have you murdered (hyperbole, Mark Zuckerberg! please do not sue us!) for stealing his site design??

At this point, you're probably thinking "huh. I really didn't think of Facebook as conservative OR liberal. It is just the site where people I don't remember from high school try to friend me. It is also the place where family members I hate post things I hate, but that is the price of human interaction." If you are thinking this, you are probably a sheeple instead of a genius free-minded don't-tread-on-me type. You should stay with Facebook, which is for wussy liberals who are also, simultaneously and inexplicably, huge bullies. For those of you that are ready to throw off your weenie shackles, you can join TPC, where you can see this sort of thing on the regular:

In Virginia, the Mecklenburg Tea Party drew statewide backlash last year when it refused to remove a series of Facebook photos depicting President Barack Obama as a witch doctor, neanderthal and thug. In that case, the pressure came from the Virginia GOP, not Facebook.

And in 2011, a failed Tea Party candidate unleashed a racial epithet-laden Facebook post that called for the assassination of Obama and his family. The poster later took down the message under his own accord and replaced it with an apology.

Oh. Apparently you could already see that on Facebook. No matter. On TPC it will be all pictures of watermelon patches on the White House lawn all the time.

Fare thee well, homophobic uncles. Fare thee well, high school friend that isn't racist but just hates black people. Fare thee well, conspiracy-minded cousins. Fare thee well, mommies who don't believe in vaccination. You finally have a place where you belong.

[ HuffPo ]