bitch moves

John Kerry, World’s Perfectest Diplomat

John KerryHey new Secretary of State person (and we are frankly kind of peeved that it is back to the gender-neutral “person” now, as chicks have been kind of owning it since Madeleine Albright, God bless her, flirted and giggled her way across the globe) John Kerry, would you like to open your mouth about something and BE AN IDIOT? You would? Very good.

Kerry said President Obama offered him the job of secretary of state a week before United Nations Ambassador Susan Rice withdrew her name from contention, an earlier timeline than has been previously reported.

“He called me, actually a week before Susan got out of the thing,” Kerry said. “He called me and said, ‘You’re my choice. I want you to do this.’ He asked me to keep it quiet. I did. I sat on it.”

We believe the idea was for you to continue to sit on it.

(HE MEANS HIS THUMB.)Any other dumb fucking thing you want to impress us with today, Mr. Secretary?

He also said he would start traveling this month but he would not attempt to surpass the 112 countries that Clinton visited.

“I’m not going to try,” Kerry said. “I respect that, honestly. But that’s not my goal. I mean I will do what we need to do. But I have a sense of what I want to try to focus on.”

Cool, just tellin’ us right up front you’re not real interested in working real hard-like. Got it. You’re basically the guy who walks in to the interview and is like, “Work? Well I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it” and

“Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour. I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I’m working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I’d say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.”

And you, dear reader, are still unemployed.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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