A guest post from your comrade Fakakta South.
Say goodbye to Ugg boots, throw those skinny jeans in the trash (seriously), the hot new fad these days is just fucking stone cold shooting people! For anyone who pisses you off, gets in your way, or tries to make you show up for court, standing your second amendment ground is the hot new way to deal with ALL of life’s problems!
The latest fad to sweep across the land of the free and home of the armed of course started with a “bang” when the original ground-standing pioneer, George Zimmerman, showed that skittles-brandishing bad ass hoodie what for, but it has now spread like small-arms fire to cities and towns across America! We’ve had so many fine examples of how hot this trend is just this week!
Following in the hard to beat footsteps of Gabby-Giffords-shooter Jared Lee Loughner, Phoenix resident Douglas Harmon came packing to his mediation session where he was being sued for stiffing the contractor he hired to fix his office cubicles. Mr. Harmon did not like the way things were going in the proceedings against him, so what could he do? Well, this is Arizona love, so of course, he stood his ground! Harmon killed the contractor, left the contractor’s lawyer in critical condition, left a random woman with “non-life threatening injuries,” and shot at and missed a man who chased him out of the parking lot, thus leaving one dead, one critical, one wounded, one unharmed, which is known as “shooting for the cycle.”
In Rick Coyote-Shooting Perry’s Texas, Kaufman County Assistant DA Mark Hasse was shot in a courthouse parking lot in a manner described as “ambush style,” and the assailants are still on the loose! Not much is known right now about the motivation for this killing, but it would be irresponsible not to speculate that this was an assertion of the “second amendment defense” in a criminal case. Defense lawyers have an old saying, if you win on the facts, bang the facts, if you win on the law, bang the law, and if you got nothing, bang the desk! But if you have a gun, why bang the desk when you have one of the most persuasive arguments ever right there in its holster?
And in the most obvious Arizona to Texas to Alabama trend-line ever – may we again remind you of the tensest bunker scene since Downfall (you know what else Hitler ranted about? EVERYTHING) the almost 3 day old standoff involving bus-driver shooting, court date avoiding Jimmy Lee Dykes and the 5 year old he kidnapped, Lovely Bones-styley (but please sweet Jesus with a happier ending?), which is, according to law enforcement officials, “unlikely to end quickly.”
But wait! There’s more! RIGHT NOW in Georgia, a suspect is in custody for shooting two people at an Atlanta middle school.
And we thought “planking” and “Tebowing” were bad.