Are You On The NRA's 'Enemies List'? Hint: The Answer Is Yes!

Are you Jewish? Black? A doctor? Episcopalian? A victim of domestic violence? A school principal? Steve Buscemi?

If you are a member of any of these categories or one of hundreds of others, the National Rifle Association may be planning your imminent demise. (They’re having a little trouble in the planning phase. They don’t know how to commit murder, since they only have guns, and guns don’t kill people. But just remember: If the NRA does it, that means it is not illegal.)

The NRA’s Institute for Legislative Action published a list of national organizations and celebrities who have expressed support for “anti-gun policies,” or as Your Wonkette likes to call them, “completely sane restrictions on machines built only to kill.” Included in this admirably exhaustive list are:

National Association of Police Organizations

American Medical Association

Unitarian Universalist Association

American Jewish Committee

Episcopal Church-Washington Office

General Federation of Women’s Clubs

College Democrats of America

Gray Panthers

National Network for Youth

American Bar Association

League of Women Voters

National Council of La Raza

United States Catholic Conference

American Nurses Association

B’nai B’rith

Southern Christian Leadership Conference

Also on it are the American Federation of Teachers, where Your Wonkette’s wife works, so that’s pretty terrifying. And for some reason the YWCA is on but not the YMCA, which seems kind of sexist. But it’s virtually impossible not to find something on that list that represents you or something you believe in. So even if you’re a gun-toting, home-defending, deer-shooting Ted Nugent fan, chances are you’re still a sworn enemy of the National Rifle Association.

There are also a lot, and we mean a LOT of celebrities on the enemies list. Here are just a few of the extremely powerful elitists that the NRA has to contend with:

Louis Anderson

Mary Lou Retton

Paul Reiser

The Temptations

Rena Sofer (She was on Ed. Super hot. You’ll recognize her when you Google her.)

Ahmet Zappa

Diva Zappa

Dweezil Zappa

Gail Zappa

Moon Zappa

That’s a lot of Zappas! When it comes to the struggle of 2nd Amendment rights vs. jackbooted government thugs, the gun-grabbers have a clear Zappa advantage.

The NRA enemies list, long as it may be, isn’t quite complete. We have a few suggestions for the gun nuts to add:

1. Wayne LaPierre

Yes, the CEO, executive vice president, and face of the NRA should be at the top of the NRA’s enemy list, since every single time he opens his stupid face, support for gun control laws goes up five points.

2. Facts and Statistics

If statistics didn’t show that guns in the home are much likely to be used to harm a family member than an intruder, maybe people wouldn’t be so reluctant to bring them into their homes where they can harm family members.

3. Dead Children

Yes, those dead children, their bodies insidiously ridden with bullets, obviously had one agenda: violating the sacred 2nd Amendment rights of law-abiding Americans. The sneaky little bastards.