NRAwkward

Are You On The NRA’s ‘Enemies List’? Hint: The Answer Is Yes!

surveyor's marksAre you Jewish? Black? A doctor? Episcopalian? A victim of domestic violence? A school principal? Steve Buscemi?

If you are a member of any of these categories or one of hundreds of others, the National Rifle Association may be planning your imminent demise. (They’re having a little trouble in the planning phase. They don’t know how to commit murder, since they only have guns, and guns don’t kill people. But just remember: If the NRA does it, that means it is not illegal.)

The NRA’s Institute for Legislative Action published a list of national organizations and celebrities who have expressed support for “anti-gun policies,” or as Your Wonkette likes to call them, “completely sane restrictions on machines built only to kill.” Included in this admirably exhaustive list are:

National Association of Police Organizations
American Medical Association
Unitarian Universalist Association
American Jewish Committee
Episcopal Church-Washington Office
General Federation of Women’s Clubs
College Democrats of America
Gray Panthers
National Network for Youth
American Bar Association
League of Women Voters
National Council of La Raza
United States Catholic Conference
American Nurses Association
B’nai B’rith
Southern Christian Leadership Conference

Related video

Also on it are the American Federation of Teachers, where Your Wonkette’s wife works, so that’s pretty terrifying. And for some reason the YWCA is on but not the YMCA, which seems kind of sexist. But it’s virtually impossible not to find something on that list that represents you or something you believe in. So even if you’re a gun-toting, home-defending, deer-shooting Ted Nugent fan, chances are you’re still a sworn enemy of the National Rifle Association.

There are also a lot, and we mean a LOT of celebrities on the enemies list. Here are just a few of the extremely powerful elitists that the NRA has to contend with:

Louis Anderson
Mary Lou Retton
Paul Reiser
The Temptations
Rena Sofer (She was on Ed. Super hot. You’ll recognize her when you Google her.)
Ahmet Zappa
Diva Zappa
Dweezil Zappa
Gail Zappa
Moon Zappa

That’s a lot of Zappas! When it comes to the struggle of 2nd Amendment rights vs. jackbooted government thugs, the gun-grabbers have a clear Zappa advantage.

The NRA enemies list, long as it may be, isn’t quite complete. We have a few suggestions for the gun nuts to add:

1. Wayne LaPierre
Yes, the CEO, executive vice president, and face of the NRA should be at the top of the NRA’s enemy list, since every single time he opens his stupid face, support for gun control laws goes up five points.

2. Facts and Statistics
If statistics didn’t show that guns in the home are much likely to be used to harm a family member than an intruder, maybe people wouldn’t be so reluctant to bring them into their homes where they can harm family members.

3. Dead Children
Yes, those dead children, their bodies insidiously ridden with bullets, obviously had one agenda: violating the sacred 2nd Amendment rights of law-abiding Americans. The sneaky little bastards.

Related

About the author

Jesse Berney has provided a voice online for a wide array of Democrats and progressives, including Bill and Hillary Clinton. He is currently the principal of Jefferson Street Strategies, an Internet communications, strategy, and fundraising consulting firm. You can find him on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/jesseberney

View all articles by Jesse Berney

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.