Fox 'Comedian' Steven Crowder, Married For 45 Minutes, Would Like To Give You Marriage Advice

Brace yourselves, men of the internet — you are about to be told to "grow up" by a dude who shoves people and then cries when one punches him in the face .

Yes, it is Fox News person Steven Crowder, he of the taking candy from children video , which was hilarious. He got married back in August, you see, and now that it has been five or six whole months he is ready to tell us how balls-out awesome it is , and how immature us men are being for not getting married. And, because listicles are all the rage with the kiddos these days, it's called "A man's top 5 reasons to grow up and get married." Women, you do not really have a say in this one, sorry, back to the cookie-baking.

Sadly, marriage has become a punchline in today’s society. From referring to the wife as “the old ball and chain” to nearly every poorly written sitcom that we watch, the message we’re sending to today’s generation is clear… Marriage = no fun. [...]

Ever see a commercial with a wife and husband shopping together? Yeah, we always play the idiot.

He is not saying anything wrong yet, which is surprising but fine. He could mention that a man playing the idiot goes hand-in-hand with the woman playing the mother, with all its creepy patriarchal implications and whatever, but let's focus. You're supposed to feel judged here, and you're just not feeling it yet.

I know plenty of people my age that will never get married because they genuinely believe the false cultural meme that marriage has sadly become. There’s only one problem. It’s completely untrue.

There we go! Hey, you don't think marriage is such a great deal? It's not because you have genuine feelings and experiences, it's because King of Queens tricked you! GROW UP.

Now, where's that list?

1. You’ll be richer – Yes. Not only do married couples make more, save more , have a higher net worth and qualify for more benefits/financial incentives than lonely, single folk… but your kids will be richer too. Which brings me to my next point

Wait wait wait. Before your next point, we have to check this one out. What's your source on this thing? Ah, it's FamilyFacts.org , a website dedicated to proving that marriage is great and way better than not-marriage. And hm, what's that little notice at the bottom? "©2013 The Heritage Foundation"? This is surely an objective source of information. Especially with front-page headlines like " The Picture of Health: Husband and Wife. Nearly nine in 10 married adults report being in good or very good health, a greater share than non-married peers." Surely, the website does not just cherry-pick studies that support the stance in the URL .

Also, this first fact proves nothing, because, maybe, people who make less money are less likely to get married. Seems as plausible an explanation as "getting married makes you richer," right?

2. Would somebody please think of the children!! – The single biggest indicator of child poverty is whether both original parents are still together. Not only that, but children in married households get better grades , are less disruptive in class and less likely to develop behavioral disorders than children from non-married households .

The first link in there is to the Family Research Council, which, in case you are somehow unfamiliar with their material, their main goal is described by the Southern Poverty Law Center as being "to denigrate LGBT people in its battles against same-sex marriage, hate crimes laws, anti-bullying programs and the repeal of the military’s 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy." So yes, let's go to the gay-haters for objective reasons marriage is good and Other Stuff is bad.

But what about the thing about how not getting married is ruining your kids? Actually, Professor Andrew Cherlin kind of answers that one for us on his blog, by pointing out that FamilyFacts.org is obscuring a considerable amount of research — his research — to the contrary of what it is saying about childhood behavior. But this is getting too serious. What's next?

3. You’ll have more sex… A LOT MORE SEX [...] Statistically, not only do married people have more sex , they have better, more satisfying sex . If the two of you should hold off on sex until marriage, those statistics become even more promising.

Let's ignore that his first source links to a PDF of a book review on a dating website , of a book that allegedly says married people are more satisfied. And that the second source links to a webpage that does not exist. Sex is obviously another thing Steven Crowder is an expert on, having started having it five months ago . It's better when you're married, he tells us, even though he has absolutely no idea. But we should believe him! Marriage is just better. It is. Shhh.

4. You won’t be such a pathetic sloth – Married people are more productive. Married men in particular, have higher employment rates, work longer hours and receive better wages. It’s time to stop wading through puddles of your own filth as you reach for the hotpockets and have a dame whip you into shape. You’re welcome.

Slowly but surely, we are rebuilding the Puritan continent: Marry a woman, and work longer hours!

Thankfully, he does not link to any literature in this one. He just says married people make more money, which makes all the sense in the world when you consider all the times you got a pay raise for having a wedding. Also, you need to "have a dame whip you into shape," because, duh, all dames want the same thing: to be married, obviously, and to take away all your fun (even though earlier Crowder says that's just not how it is).

The pattern in all of these is pretty simple: Ask married people a question, ask single people a question, compare. If one's better, it's because they're married, even though that is clearly not how anything works ever.

The fifth reason is "Don’t die sick, miserable and alone," but we cannot spare any more space in the Wonkette print edition for further commentary on this junk. Well, except that while marriage does indeed lead to better health outcomes for men ( maybe ), for women it's only true if the marriage is a happy one. (Also, Crowder seems to believe there will be less domestic abuse if women just suck it up and marry their abuser.) Besides, this whole thing is just a lead-up to the casual observation that Crowder believes marriage is unconditionally better — for your health, for your children, for your sex life, and for your wallet — but he still thinks gay marriage is so stupid that he'll make a leprechaun video about it.

So grow up, men! And get married. You'll love it. Unless you're gay, in which case SUCKS FOR YOU , RELIGIOUS FREEDOM.

If it sounds like we are against marriage here at Ye Olde Wonket, we are not! (Although it does now occur to us that we are all spinsters.) We are against sanctimonious asses dropping knowledge bombs about sex that they got from Maggie Gallagher for fuck's sake. Also: adult babies who do something for 45 minutes and then loftily proclaim their wisdom to the world.

Also also: "Now add sex and sandwiches."

[ Fox News ]