Hey, Barney Frank! We know you rilly wanted to be appointed to the Senate seat being vacated by John Kerry’s being appointed Secretary of State, and you’re kind of bummed that you didn’t get it, so we have a joke to cheer you up!
For Christ’s sake, what is this, are you enfeebled?
Naw, c’mon, Congressman, we love ya, play along! Knock! Knock!
Oh, all right…Who’s there?
The Interrupting Cowan!
The Interrupting Co…
Which is to say, we know fuck-all about newly appointed Sen. William “Mo” Cowan, so we will cut and paste some stuff from the Boston Globe story about him, like he was previously Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick’s former chief of staff, he will be a genuine caretaker senator, because he is not planning to run for the seat in the upcoming June 25 special election, and he is 43 years old (but looks like he just graduated or something. We didn’t look that good at 43). Also, after just three weeks, Elizabeth Warren is suddenly the state’s senior senator, which should be good for a bar bet somewhere.
Let’s see, what else?
Cowan said he was “honored and humbled” to get the temporary post, which will make him the first African-American to represent Massachusetts in the Senate since Edward Brooke held the seat as a Republican from 1966 to 1978.
Mr. Cowan also joins Sen. Tim Scott of South Carolina as the second African-American in the Senate, making 2013 the first time the U.S. Senate has ever had more than one black member. Bill O’Reilly is expected to cry real tears over this unprecedented erosion of “traditional America.”
Cowan also sounds like one of those inspirational success stories that make the American Dream seem like maybe not just a load of hopeful bollocks, which is kind of neato:
Cowan is a native of Yadkinville, N.C., a town of 2,200 about 25 miles west of Winston-Salem, where he grew up on a street full of family. Cowan’s father died when he was 16 years old, leaving his mother to raise him and his two sisters on little more than a minimum wage.
He was the first from his high school, Forbush High School, to attend Duke, one of the nation’s premier colleges.
Despite that background, we will probably hear some whining from the usual suspects about Cowan’s involvement in increasing diversity in Massachusetts’ professions:
Cowan has also mentored many black professionals and has served as a talent scout frequently called upon to help diversify the city’s institutions. He helped Governor Mitt Romney, who faced criticism for the lack of diversity in his judicial picks, identifying lawyers of color who would make good judges.
And on this note, let’s all just take a moment to be thankful that Mitt Romney didn’t say anything in the debates about how he was handed “binders full of the blacks.”
So, welcome to the U.S. Senate, Mr. Cowan! We hope you have a successful several months in office, and while we’d love to give you some advice for being an outstanding caretaker senator, the most obvious thing we can think of is that you should probably avoid building yourself an insanely tacky mausoleum. Beyond that, the search results for “notable caretaker senators” are awfully thin, so instead here are some pointers on how to be a terrific temp:
- Do Not Think of Yourself as a “Lowly Temp”
- Realize That No Task is Beneath You
- Go Above and Beyond
- Be Nice
And if we can add any insight from our personal experience as a temp, remember this: Even if you’re only there a short while, you really have to resist the urge to swipe the other senators’ yogurt from the office fridge. You may have the late-afternoon hungries and think that nobody will notice, but that shit just leads to suspicions and to nasty Post-Its being left on people’s computers. IT IS TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT.
GIVE US MONEY! -