Put the pen down. I know you’ve been working feverishly on your 10,000-word jeremiad to Fox News demanding that they put Sarah Palin back on the air right now at whatever price she demands, but it’s time to move on. Roger Ailes isn’t going to be moved by your pleas; he doesn’t experience what you and I describe as “emotions.”
It’s time to move on. Sarah Palin is gone, not from this planet but from Fox News, the most important news organization on the planet.
We won’t get to see her nodding sagely at Sean Hannity, Greta Van Susteren, and Gretchen Carlson’s hard-hitting questions, like “you came up with that ad several months ago, and it struck a chord with women across the nation.” We won’t get to hear her droppin’ Gs from present participles like they were made of the yellowcake uranium she probably still thinks Saddam Hussein bought from Niger.
But if there’s one thing we know for sure about Sarah Palin, it’s that she is never, ever going away. Ever. Seriously. Ever. So what’s her next move? We have some thoughts.
1. “Sarah Palin, Former Governor of Alaska, Compensated Endorser”
Glenn Beck can only sell so many “nearly pain-free” catheters and gold coin scams. Governor Palin is a proven brand, and we’re pretty sure a lot of (totally legitimate) companies (who have never been investigated by the FTC for unsubstantiated claims) would love to tap into her millions of devoted followers. And how about a line a of Sarah Palin skin care products? Because I don’t care what you say about her politics, the woman looks amazing for someone with 17 illegitimate grandchildren.
2. Return (and Finally Conquer) the Beauty Pageant Circuit
Speaking of Sarah’s enduring loveliness, it’s been almost 30 years since the biggest moment of her life: coming in third in the Miss Alaska pageant. Three decades later and she is just as fiercely competitive as ever. Think it’s too late? The 2014 Ms. Senior America crown is hers for the taking.
3. Back to Politics
Yes, we’d all love to see the former half-term governor of America’s 46th-most-populated state run for the White House, but why wait until 2016? Alaska has a Senate seat up in 2014, and her home-state voters probably aren’t still resentful about her quitting her term to go make millions as a reality TV star and commentator. Sarah Palin was born to lead.
4. The Sarah Palin Workout
America, are you sick of exercise videos that either offend God, push a leftist agenda, or both? It’s time for America’s women to get in shape the way Jesus intended, with a Taco Bell-based nutritional plan and a workout that finally combines the two best exercises known to man: long-distance running and snowmobiling.
5. Poet Laureate of the United States
Can we be real for a second? Richard Blanco’s poem at the inauguration was boring as shit. We have a long history of snooze-fest public poetry in this country, and it’s time to mix things up. Who better than Sarah Palin to represent the voice of America? (I know what you’re going to say, but I don’t think Honey Boo Boo is old enough to be Poet Laureate.)
What could we expect from Poet Laureate Palin? Here’s a sample, compiled by Your Wonkette from direct quotes from Palin’s recent posts to Facebook:
What are we succumbing to, America?
Obviously I’ve witnessed the left’s bullying behavior.
Tattooed on their warrior bodies.
I encourage you to take time to reflect on
These beautiful babies in the Lord’s arms now,
The external things on which our society fixates.
Three cheers for Owen Groesser,
Constitutional commonsense conservative.
President Obama, you owe America this much.
6. Share More Broadly the Message of the Beauty of Freedom and the Imperative of Defending Our Republic and Restoring This Most Exceptional Nation
Oh wait, that’s what she says she’s doing.