Sorry, Barker’s Beauties and the teevee viewers who love them, looks like your ass got pre-empted again!
Will Barack Hussein Obama’s tyrannies never end? (Spoiler: no!) The rest of you, who for some reason are NOT outraged that your usual morning television viewing has been replaced with unending tracking shots of Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter looking AMAZING, and Hillary looking sort of carelessly coiffed (which is our favorite Hillary, because she’s got shit to do that does not involve a wash and set), may gather here and begin imbibing your celebratory libtard speedballs (because you are a drug addict, or at least on welfare).
11:15 a.m. — Oh, what could have been.
11:20 a.m. — OLD HANDSOME JOE BIDEN LIBEL! By which we mean nobody is clapping for him? What is up with that? Who does he have to have blow him to get the kind of reception the libtards gave Bubba?
11:24 a.m. — Here is your terrorist in chief, Lupe Fiasco! We hope you are happy, AMERIKKKA!
11:27 a.m. — Uh oh, Real Housewives of Beverly Atlanta Costa Mesa Atlanta, Chuck Schumer has bogarted all your Botox, and now there is none left for you. Within moments you will be looking like the portrait of Dorian Gray.
11:28 a.m. — Chuck Schumer is not allowed to say “Martin Luther King,” because King was a conservative, everyone knows that.
11:31 a.m. — Chuck Schumer says our country is not as terrible as it was when half the country was literally shooting the other half of the country with their guns. Chuck Schumer is wrong!
11:33 a.m. — Medgar Evers’ widow, Myrlie, has a Voice of God. Morgan Freeman may finally retire.
11:37 a.m. — Why is Myrlie Evers-Williams bringing race into the second inauguration of the nation’s first black president? Couldn’t the organizers have found someone less divisive to deliver an invocation? Why is Myrlie Evers-Williams invoking “grandmothers”? Does she not believe in the Founding Fathers, hmmm? Why is Myrlie Evers-Williams warring on men?
11:39 a.m. — Haha, B. Barry Bamz stoled Mittens’ Mormon choir. Next he will steal Mittens’ wife. Maybe he can cheer her up?
11:41 a.m. — Hmmm, that is an awful lot of people of color to be in a Mormon choir. Maybe the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir is not all Under the Banner of Heaven? We suppose we could look it up, but we are not going to, just because.
11:43 a.m. — Why is the Black Mormon (Maybe) Tabernacle Choir of Brooklyn-Town not singing “Dixie” for balance?
11:46 a.m. — Hey America, you did not have a coup (yet)! GOOD JOB, YOU!
11:47 a.m. — JOOOOOOEEEEEE.
11:48 a.m. — Joe is looking very Handsome this morning. As if you did not know that already.
11:49 a.m. — That is weird that James Taylor is not singing the song about everyone dying in the plane crash. Sorry James Taylor, you are boring
and you beat up Darryl Hannah all the time. Organizers, should have gotten Paul Simon and Whatshisname to sing that song where they are smoking cigarettes on the train, for AMERICA and FREEDOM.
11:51 a.m. — B. BARRY BAMZ YOU ARE GOING TO DISNEYLAND! Or to do more war crimes or something, we don’t know, we will ask Lupe Fiasco, Glenn Greenwald, and the guy on OKCupid (Ralph Nader, probably) who told us you are a war criminal and as bad as “Gush and Bore” and that we obviously had nothing more to say to each other. (Obviously.)
11:53 a.m. — UPDATE! JAMES TAYLOR DID NOT BEAT UP DARRYL HANNAH, THAT WAS JACKSON BROWNE. We regret the error.
11:57 a.m. — There goes Nobummer, claiming we should not love slavery. WAIT A MINUTE! Did he just say “COLLECTIVE ACTION”? They KNEW IT! They KNEW HE WAS A SOCIALIST COMMUNIST IMPERIALIST ANTI-IMPERIALIST THE WHOLE TIME. Somebody turn on Fox and see if they have stroked out yet!
12:01 p.m. — ALINSKYYYYYYY. He is going to put us all on collective farms and declare a 5-Year Plan!
12:02 p.m. — Having already relitigated the 19th century — Chet Kincaid shoutout! — B. Barry Bamz is now refighting Joe Biden’s fisticuffs with Paul Ryan. We are not a nation of takers, Bamz? Do we not have Obamaphones? Do we not have food stamps? Are we not not letting children starve in the streets, as Jesus and Ayn Rand intended?
12:06 p.m. — Having promised to do “something” about climate change — we will believe it when we see it, Bamz — Barry is now LIBELING JESUS HIMSELF by talking about “the poor” and “the sick” or whatever. OOH STONEWALL SHOUTOUT! Barry loves you, gheyz! (Thanks to Joe.)
12:08 p.m. — Gay marriage has now been included in an inaugural address. Did you know that if you live in Maryland, Wonkette will gay marry you so good? Our lucky winner(s!) will be announced shortly!
12:13 p.m. — Uh, so the Kenyan Impostor is done lecturing all the Republicans now we guess, but here is some Kelly Clarkson to make them feel better?
12:15 p.m. — Your Doktor Zoom would like to take this opportunity to make an impenetrable Star Trek joke: invoking the pledge of allegiance? He cannot do that! The E Plebnista is a Yang Worship Word!
12:17 p.m. — Hahahahahaha, Chuck Schumer. “Wow.”
12:18 p.m. — Why is Paul Ryan reading a pome about the dead babies of Newtown?
OK, we are loving the hell out of this poem about trucks and grocery checkers and BON GIOURNO! BUENOS DIAS! ‘ALLO! Willkommen, Bienvenue, WELCOME! (That was for teh gheyz.)
12:24 p.m. — We guess nobody liked that pome but us. Once again, everyone else is INCORRECT. Here is the pome from last time. We seem to remember everyone hating that too probably?
Each day we go about our business,
walking past each other, catching each other’s
eyes or not, about to speak or speaking.
All about us is noise. All about us is
noise and bramble, thorn and din, each
one of our ancestors on our tongues.
Someone is stitching up a hem, darning
a hole in a uniform, patching a tire,
repairing the things in need of repair.
Someone is trying to make music somewhere,
with a pair of wooden spoons on an oil drum,
with cello, boom box, harmonica, voice.
A woman and her son wait for the bus.
A farmer considers the changing sky.
A teacher says, Take out your pencils. Begin.
We encounter each other in words, words
spiny or smooth, whispered or declaimed,
words to consider, reconsider.
We cross dirt roads and highways that mark
the will of some one and then others, who said
I need to see what’s on the other side.
I know there’s something better down the road.
We need to find a place where we are safe.
We walk into that which we cannot yet see.
Say it plain: that many have died for this day.
Sing the names of the dead who brought us here,
who laid the train tracks, raised the bridges,
picked the cotton and the lettuce, built
brick by brick the glittering edifices
they would then keep clean and work inside of.
Praise song for struggle, praise song for the day.
Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,
the figuring-it-out at kitchen tables.
Some live by love thy neighbor as thyself,
others by first do no harm or take no more
than you need. What if the mightiest word is love?
Love beyond marital, filial, national,
love that casts a widening pool of light,
love with no need to pre-empt grievance.
In today’s sharp sparkle, this winter air,
any thing can be made, any sentence begun.
On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp,
praise song for walking forward in that light.
We are just waiting for Yo-Yo Ma to show up again. He will, right? Cause that was BITCHEN.
12:27 p.m. — Dennis Farina is an Episcopal priest now. That man contains multitudes.
12:29 p.m. — Let us all take a moment to remember Etta James, and how PISSED she was at that bitch Beyonce doing her song.
12:32 p.m. — But let us also remember the good times, like ARETHA’S HAT! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, LADY!
12:37 p.m. — Hey everybody, Chuck Schumer found a camera! He looks like a children’s television host. After the arrest.
12:42 p.m. — Now Barack Hussein Obama is signing the paperwork to take all your guns on the way to the FEMA camps. Sorry, WND, you are in jail now.
12:45 p.m. — Well, guess we will wrap this up now! Everybody, time to riot!