Hey did you guys check out WND? They have an EXCLUSIVE interview with Ted Nugent! Exclusives are exciting! Exclusive means that no one else on the whole internet has this Ted Nugent masterpiece. Wait. Now that we think about it, this would pretty much be the case for every piece of writing on the internets, unless you are a news aggregator. Editrix! Please to declare this, and all other posts henceforth, a Wonkette exclusive or, if you prefer, a Wonkclusive.
OK so what exclusive-y things does Ted Nugent have to share today?
“There will come a time when the gun owners of America, the law-abiding gun owners of America, will be the Rosa Parks and we will sit down on the front seat of the bus, case closed.”
Yes, people who want to own automatic assault rifles for funsies or because they are paranoid nutbags (or both! why choose!)…people who want to carry around instruments that can kill scores of people in just a few minutes, and do actually kill scores of people in a few minutes ALL THE FUCKING TIME…those people are totally just like Rosa Parks, quintessential heroine of peaceful civil disobedience. How did we never see this before?
Ted’s got more mad wisdom to drop on us, so don’t sleep:
“If it comes to the actual implementation of an actual confiscatory directive from our president, then I do believe that the heroes of the law enforcement will defy this order,” he said. “I do believe that there are enough soulless sheep within our government who would act on such an illegal order, but I believe the powers that be at the local, state and regional law enforcement would halt such an illegal, anti-American order.’
Nugent continued: “You are talking to a guy who talks to more gun owners in more heated and concerned conversations than anyone who lives. These are top notch heroes of law enforcement and military who understand this experiment in self-government and we will not let [gun confiscation] happen; we will do it peaceful.”
OK first a brief digression. Many components of yr Wonkette are also people blessed/cursed with teaching the youths of ‘Merica, and that quote for all the world reads like a sophomore trying to pad her thinkpiece philosophy paper. “Actual confiscatory directive?” You can’t just say “order to confiscate?” Better still “confiscation order?” Also, too “a guy who talks to more gun owners in more heated and concerned conversations than anyone who lives?” It is like a textbook example of word salad pileup, but it is EXCLUSIVE so we think it is OK!
So chickenhawk Ted is dead certain that when the revolution comes, law enforcement-type peoples will stand with the faux-vigilantes? That must be why oodles of municipalities, with police and prosecutor cooperation, are doing gun buybacks. Clearly, the heroes of law enforcement are just stockpiling so they can help the Teds of the world when we need it most!
Lest you think we cherry-picked the worst or weirdest or most incomprehensible EXCLUSIVE Ted Nugent quote, we give you this:
“The media and the government is hell-bent on convincing that water is dry and we should all reconsider our conclusions about the dampness of H20,” he said. “These people are out of their cotton-picking minds, and they scare Americans who are committed to logic, truth and common-sense, and real solutions instead of the insanity that I witness from our government and media.”
Naw, we can’t follow the water is dry thing either, and we spent like 10 minutes and a shot of whiskey trying. Now it is your turn to sort it out, Wonketteers.
You know, here at Wonkette, we like our snark as much as the next faceless genderless ageless entity (ok, we like our snark way more than everyone but nevermind) but for real, in the time it took us to find this pile of stupid from Ted Nugent and write this thing, there was already another high school shooting which just makes us feel fucking hopeless. So, it is entirely without snark that we say “fuck you Ted Nugent.”