Citizens of WonkWorld, it is time for your … quarterly? sure, let’s go with quarterly … reminder that there is such a thing as the Log Cabin Republicans. (There is also another conservogay thing known as GOProud. Believe it or not, they are even easier to make fun of than the LCR, mostly because of their weird worship of gay-hater/Creature from the Blond Lagoon Ann Coulter.) ANYWAY. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Log Cabin Republicans. They have a thing to tell you about the Messiah’s nomination of Chuck Hagel for Secretary of Defense:
As President Barack Obama is set to nominate former Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-Neb.) as defense secretary, the Log Cabin Republicans have released a full-page ad in the Washington Post opposing him.
The ad by the conservative gay rights group criticizes Hagel’s record on issues of LGBT equality.
In 1998, Hagel called James Hormel, then President Bill Clinton’s choice for U.S. ambassador to Luxembourg, “openly, aggressively gay.” He characterized Hormel’s sexual orientation as an “inhibiting factor” that would prevent him from doing “an effective job.”
Log Cabin Republicans, good on you for pointing this out. That is indeed fucked up and asinine. What else has Hagel done that is not super-friendly to the homosexuals?
The Log Cabin Republicans’ ad…points out that in 1996, [Hagel] said he would have voted for the Defense of Marriage Act, which prohibits federal recognition of same-sex marriages. In 1999, he also said he opposed repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” the ban on openly gay men and women serving in the military that was repealed in 2010.
Log Cabin Republicans, we are totally in an agreement sort of thing with you here. Thank you for standing strong, consistently, on refusing to back politicians that are pro-DOMA and pro-DADT. Oh wait.
Though he’s all but faded from our memories, some really boring dude with the improbable name of Mitt Romney ran for president a few months ago. This Mittens robot did not like the gays, no no no he did not, though it was sometimes hard to tell with all the flippy-flopping: he loves him a federal amendment banning gay marriage, but is maybe, perhaps, cool with the gays adopting but not cool with a federal law saying they could. That is certainly an … ahem … full-throated endorsement of the gheys, now isn’t it! But the Log Cabin Republicans were cool with that because they had a secret meeting with Mittens where he explained that he had to take a girl to the prom but he and the LCR could totally hook up later.
Look, Log Cabin Republicans. We know it is hard for you. All you want to do is gobble the cock of every power top GOP daddy you can find. Is that too much to ask? All Chuck Hagel has to do to win your endorsement is be stern to you in public, tender to you in private, just like you always dreamed he could be.