Like Gatsby Except Stupid Boorish and Mean

2012: Year Of The Short-Fingered Vulgarian

Twilight Sparkle & Whine-night FarkleberryWe will confess it, Wonkers, Yr. Doktor Zoom is only doing this post in the hopes that he too may join the elect group of Wonkette writers who have managed to piss off diapered homunculus Donald Trump enough that he yelled incoherent cusses at them on Twitter. (That, and the huge bucket of Wonkette Ameros we get for each and every post.) And so, let us briefly review the Year In Trump, the Yoogest, classiest year ever!

So, after having spent most of 2011 smarting from being upstaged by Barack “I was born here and I killed bin Ladin to death” Obama, the Trumpy One started out the year with a Big Sad because no Republicans wanted to play with him at his super-high-class pretend debate right after Christmas, which he eventually cancelled.

But by February, the walking spleen was saying things in public again, endorsing Mitt “I’m Just As Clueless But Somehow Not As Viscerally Horrible” Romney in time for the Nevada caucus, which Mittens nevertheless won. He also announced that he was willing to help out other stiffs by burying them at his tacky but expensive golf course/pet semetary in New Jersey.

In March, Trump was back to suggesting that Barack Obama wasn’t quite American, because his stepfather had a funny name. He also took time to address the threat of Clean Energy, saying that, compared to nice clean oil, windmills are bad for the environment. He also called the devices “horrible, noisy [and] disgusting,” prompting windmills everywhere to stare at him with one eyebrow raised sarcastically.

The Trump Sideshow kicked into high gear with election season, as the insufferable maggot had a YOOOOGE fundraiser for Romney just days after Trump had another of his “Kenya mystery man” episodes. Romney nevertheless attended, possibly because there were a few people left who weren’t thoroughly squicked out yet.

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Then Trump promised an Exciting Convention Surprise which was, mercifully, cancelled because a bigger wind, Hurricane Isaac, blew into Tampa, so instead we got 20 hours of an old man yelling at a chair. (HuffPo eventually revealed that Donald Trump had prepared a video of Donald Trump saying “You’re Fired!” to an imagined Barack Obama — talk about brilliant minds and similar thoughts!)

But wait — Trump still had more surprises in store… and in October, too, which has a certain ring to it! And who doesn’t just LOVE a surprise? What was it going to be? Maybe that Barack Obama was a gay black drug dealer who dealt gay black drugs? Or maybe that Michelle Obama once considered divorcing Barack, a bombshell so secret that PBS included it in their Frontline documentary about Romney and Obama. (Speculation in the Sekrit Wonkette Chatcave is that Trump’s pathetic stunt was going to be the divorce papers, but that the Romney people convinced him not to because it would have backfired like FUCK…particularly since Trump is such a fine example of how shameful a broken marriage can be.)

So anyway, Trump went on YouTube, mumbled some shit about Barry’s college records, everyone scratched their heads and wondered what the actual fuck THAT was all about, and forgot about the irritating pustule again.

Until election night, when Trump tweeted that since Obama obviously stole the election, America is OVER, man, and we need to overthrow the elected government, and then he erased the most embarrasing/treasonous stuff, the end.

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Hola wonkerados.

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