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MountiesWhen you were born, there was always something different about you. When you were little, you were interested in “girl things” like Barbie Dolls and learning. When you were in high school and all the other boys were doing splashy-splashy in the pool with the girls, you were staying in the water getting a boner of anticipation every time one of the guys hopped out, just praying they’d forget to un-cling their swim trunks from their glistening wet bodies for just a minute longer, because you were A Budding Gay. You were upset about this because Religious Indoctrination, but that’s okay because something came along and changed your life forever!

Yes, one day, after finding evidence of your secret gayness, your mom took you to the Cowboy Church Of Virginia, where they taught you to relieve yourself of wretched, wretched homosexuality by just straight up fondling some horses:

An American church is promising gay men they will be cured of their homosexuality if they stroke horses.

The Cowboy Church of Virginia, led by chief pastor Raymond Bell, believes homosexuality and other ‘addictions’ can be cured by Equine Assisted Psychotherapy.

Horse therapy, in the right hands, can be used to help overcome fears, develop communication skills, and is generally beneficial to mental health.

But Bell says the horses in his church, a cowboy ranch in the south,

As opposed to the horses in LIBERAL CHURCHES…

are part of teaching men to stop being gay and encourage them to be more masculine.



Bell said he uses EAP to identify how a person got ‘involved’ in homosexuality to begin with. For example, because of rape, abandonment, lacking a male role model, abuse, and having low self-esteem.

Show me on the horse where you’d like Jesus to touch you.

Wayne Besen of the good old Truth Wins Out (where your Wonkette used to work for, like, actual employment!) coined the phrase “pray away the gay” back in the day, and is now having to add “neigh away the gay” to his toolbox of phrases, which reminds us of a story we told a few weeks back about a Floridian man and his love relationship with a mini-donkey named “Doodle.”

Unfortunately, the proper methods for using horse-fondling to relieve yourself of gayness are not provided, so please don’t try this with your own personal horse. You can’t just walk out in the pasture and pocket-rocket to third base with the first whinnying love machine you see. For one thing, you will get bitten or stomped on. No, this requires the work of licensed professional heterosexual romance therapy horses, and the men of God who offer them up for gay men to jerk them off or whatever, I don’t understand how Jesus therapy works.

But anyway, that is the story of why you are not gay anymore, and also why you spend so much time in your barn after midnight, softly moaning to the sounds of pitter-pattering horseshoes and Isaac Hayes on vinyl sexing your wife, in the vagina. [Gay Star News/Truth Wins Out]

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Evan Hurst is a Wonkette editor who also runs all the social media for this here Wonk place, so when you're bitching about "whine whine too many tweets about one article!" you're bitching at him. He doesn't care. He spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. Though the internet does not give him credit, it's probably his fault Aaron Schock is no longer a congressperson, due how Evan would not stay off his tail during the SCANDALS. (Not in a sex way, in a writing way!) Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.
  • John Smith

    I just soiled my pantaloons, thanks to you! Wouldn’t be too bad, but I’m at work.

  • Belasaurius


  • tihond

    But this goes against the scripture of Big & Rich chapter 7 verse 13, “And those spoketh Big, ‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy.'”

  • pooracademic

    Goddammit, Virginia, you’re my home state! I thought you stopped competing with Florida and Alabama and the rest when we got rid of Cuccinelli.

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