new year new you

Jennifer Rubin is Perfect but You Suck

i love you, you're perfect, now changeThe new year is always a time for reflection. One year ends, another begins. Time to take stock of your life and create new dreams and new resolutions that you can aspire to in the coming year. Perhaps you decide to get more exercise (which you really should, you lazy bastards), or be more present for your family, or to drink less (hahaha we are never resolving to do that. We might resolve to drink more in 2013). Or, you could do what Jennifer Rubin does, and make concern-troll resolutions for other people:

Chief Justice John Roberts: Decide cases on the merits and not on what you think the impact may or may not be on the Supreme Court’s “reputation.” Deciding cases to protect one’s reputation is the surest way to bring disdain on the court….

Senate Republicans: Do not allow the confirmation of a new secretary of state unless the current one gives a full accounting of her role and the White House’s role in the Benghazi debacle.

Liberal pundits: Stop blabbering about filibuster reform. It’s a bore, and no one in the Senate thinks it is going to happen.

Roughly, all these resolutions could be translated as “do what I want, do what I want, and do what I want.” What’s reaalllly impressive about them, though, is the hectoring know-it-all tone. Yes, John Roberts, Chief Justice of the Fucking Supreme Court, should definitely take long-term direction-of-the-court advice from this no-longer-practicing attorney. JENNIFER RUBIN KNOWS WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU JOHN ROBERTS. Senate Republicans should totes cockblock John Kerry because they’re mad at Hillz, because then they’ll…well, not sure what. Keep Hillz longer because Kerry can’t get confirmed? GENIUS. And liberal pundits and filibustering? OK, yeah, we’re kinda with you on that one but at least we’re not writing whiny resolution lists for them.

Who else, pray tell, does Jennifer Rubin thinks needs changing in the new year, because of course it sure is hell not Jennifer Rubin:

CNN: Transform yourself into the Jake Tapper News Network. You’ve made a brilliant hire; now put him on as much as possible, in as many formats as possible.

Oh, yeah. If there’s one thing Americans have been clamoring for, it is more Jake Tapper. Thin-skinned self-righteous dudes are ALL THE RAGE. Jake Tapper radio. Jake Tapper cable news show. Jake Tapper stuffed dolls. Jake Tapper bobbleheads. Jake Tapper lifesize cutouts for your bedroom.  SO MANY ways to get Jake Tapper into your life.

Of course, no Jennifer Rubin resolution list (or grocery list, or to-do list, or post-it notes, or reminders in lipstick on the bathroom mirror) would be complete without a unsubtle jab at Bamz:

The Obamas: Cut down on the lavish living. It’s small in the scheme of the gigantic federal budget, but nevertheless it’s unseemly.

Black man, stop costing America so much money! Who do you think you are anyway?

Yr Wonkette’s key resolutions for the new year are that more people (doesn’t really matter who) should buy us liquor, more people (again, who cares who!) should buy us hookers to bang, and most important, that Jennifer Rubin write less, and aspire to writing zero. These are goals we can all get behind.

[WaPo]

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