Wonketeers, we understand that sometimes you are dissatisfied with the structure of a corporation you chair. You wish to reconfigure your management structure, synergize your efficiencies, and let some underperforming folks go. (Hahaha you do not get to do that because you are a peon who does not have your own wingnut group to run, but let’s pretend anyway.) How would you best undertake this reorganization task? WITH GUNS OF COURSE:
The day after Labor Day, just as campaign season was entering its final frenzy, FreedomWorks, the Washington-based tea party organization, went into free fall.
Richard K. Armey, the group’s chairman and a former House majority leader, walked into the group’s Capitol Hill offices with his wife, Susan, and an aide holstering a handgun at his waist. The aim was to seize control of the group and expel Armey’s enemies: The gun-wielding assistant escorted FreedomWorks’ top two employees off the premises, while Armey suspended several others who broke down in sobs at the news.
Well, you must admit it is an effective technique, if nothing else. Nothing says “new management” like a loaded weapon, amirite? This is the pinnacle of free enterprise! This is capitalism at work, people! If you can’t bring a gun to work to take the whole place over, then the terrorists have already won.
So what would you do after you staged an armed coup at YOUR company? Take an enormous fucking payout of $8 million to go away! Clearly, this is a hitherto untapped, yet supremely successful, negotiation tactic. Editrix, please to send the address of your seekrit lair so we can stage our armed coup upon Wonkette. We would stop working for far, far less than $8 million.
The gun show is a delightfully weird twist to the Armey-FreedomWorks breakup (isn’t it awesome when petulant right-wingers divorce bitterly in public?), which also includes the whiniest post-coup post-payout resignation letter ever:
Effective immediately FreedomWorks is prohibited from using my booklet or any updated versions of my booklet “Hitting the Ground Running” without my written permission which I innovated while still in congress and trusted to Max Pappas to update for new member orientation. I request that FreedomWorks deliver the copy of my official congressional portrait to my home in Texas.
Dick Armey then demanded his favorite sweater back and played Taylor Swift songs all the way home to steel his resolve.