the horror

Who Will Be Elected As New House Speaker Once John Boehner Is Torn Apart And Boiled In Oil?

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heart of darknessIt seems clear that sad sot Speaker of the House John “Whiskeydick” Boehner has not had a firm grip on his “caucus” in the two years since Sarah Palin screeching about death panels sent a pack of wild tarded dogs to Congress. No matter how hard Boehner has tried to tack “crazy,” his barely leashed idiots know that he is congenitally a Wall Street, pro-business Republican who does not actually want to bankrupt the country, because bankrupting the country is bad for his fellows in the boardroom. The fact that John Boehner does not actually want to bankrupt the country, of course, makes him a Communist, because “logic.” Well, your Louie Gohmerts and your Somebody Amashes and whomever are not thrilled, and it is only a matter of time before chunks of bloody John Boehner flesh are piled in a heap at NRA Headquarters.

So who will follow him as Speaker of the House? The naked malevolence that is Eric Cantor? PROBABLY. But let us go further “outside the box,” like Breitbart keeps doing (oh wait no, he is definitely inside a box), and remind ourselves that you do not actually have to be a member of the House to be the Speaker of the House!


Who will be the next Speaker of the House?

  • A Bushmaster AR-15.
  • A pile of human shit.
  • Michele Bachmann.
  • The kids who murdered Piggy.
  • Newt Gingrich.
  • Ghost Andrew Breitbart.
  • The rotted corpse of Ronald Reagan.
  • The Pope.
  • Charlotte Allen.
  • The Ayatollah Khomeini.
  • Colonel Kurtz.
  • Bill Ayers.
  • Mel Gibson.
  • Walmart. Just ‘Walmart.’

We don’t know dudes. It could go in any direction! But we’re gonna go with “a pile of human shit.”

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "A pile of human shit."

    That's really worked out well for them so far.

  • Geminisunmars

    This just begs for a "AOTK".

  • Barbara_

    The author of "Kegels For Teens", Bristol Palin?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Charles Manson isn't doing anything these days.

  • fawkedifiknow

    "A pile of human shit."?

    So, you are going with Eric Cantor after all.

  • AlterNewt

    Joseph Gurney Cannon? Experienced, though dead.

  • freakishlywrong

    OT/but I am the proud possessor of a pair of feral panties with crotch teeth and an Old Handsome Joe mug. Thanks, toots!

    • commiegirl99

      My great pleasure, dearheart!

    • BadKitty904

      < envisions "wild packs of feral panties roaming the tundra…"

      • sullivanst

        Presumably said wild packs will number "so many".

      • BadKitty904

        < watches far too much "Animal Planet"…

        • snowpointsecret

          Well, it makes sense, since you are a cat…

  • skmind

    Minnesota Palin.

  • OneYieldRegular

    A bottle of Wild Turkey?

  • DerrickWildcat

    My guess is someone super crazy.

  • EatFrankRich

    Eric Cantor. Oh I'm sorry, you already said a pile of human shit. Well, name it and move on.

  • gullywompr

    David Koch

    • BerkeleyBear

      Would certainly cut down on the commute time to the GOP Koch-sucking sessions.

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Isn't he already Majority Leader or something like that?

  • freakishlywrong

    I'm going with the Lord of the Flies.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    How about that Shrieking White-Hot Sphere of Rage?

  • snowpointsecret

    Andrew Breitbart. It's only voter fraud if dead people vote, not if they hold office!

  • Dr. Nick Riviera

    Vigo and his throne of blood

  • under_score

    Mitt Romn….hahhahhaha

  • eggsacklywright

    I nominate Milo Minderbinder.

  • BadKitty904

    Chancellor Palpatine.

  • sullivanst

    Not that it makes much of a difference, what with the House GOP essentially being unleadable.

  • christianmuslin

    Fox News.

  • AlterNewt

    Nathan Templeton? Ruthless, though fictional.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Virginia Foxx or GTFO.

    • AlterNewt

      Oh yes.

  • VodkaGoGo

    Geez, you libtards are so angry all the time. And why aren't you even talkin about the obvious choice, Ron Paul?

    • BadKitty904


    • commiegirl99

      RON PAUL!!!1!

  • smokefilledroommate

    a kitteh.

  • christianmuslin

    Also, Mitt Romney is available.

  • RemyLeHeaux

    Galactus can make Paul Ryan his herald, the Silver (Cock) Slurper… uh, I mean "Whip"…

  • snowpointsecret

    Ayn Rand? Rand Paul? Paul Ryan?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Jar Jar Binks

  • lefty74

    Limbaugh's urinal cake is Hannity's Chapstick, so any old buttplug will suffice.

  • JustPixelz

    "a pack of wild tarded dogs to Congress

    tarded dogs libel. (of course)

  • Botlrokit
  • savethispatient

    Speaker? We don't need no stinking Speaker!

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq




    • snowpointsecret

      Nah, he's already Speaker of the House.

  • SexySmurf

    They should do what anybody does when facing declining ratings: get Ted McGinley!

  • christianmuslin

    Or, our very own Ms Wonkette.

  • BadKitty904

    The goddess Kālī.