THE HORROR  2:52 pm December 21, 2012

Who Will Be Elected As New House Speaker Once John Boehner Is Torn Apart And Boiled In Oil?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

heart of darknessIt seems clear that sad sot Speaker of the House John “Whiskeydick” Boehner has not had a firm grip on his “caucus” in the two years since Sarah Palin screeching about death panels sent a pack of wild tarded dogs to Congress. No matter how hard Boehner has tried to tack “crazy,” his barely leashed idiots know that he is congenitally a Wall Street, pro-business Republican who does not actually want to bankrupt the country, because bankrupting the country is bad for his fellows in the boardroom. The fact that John Boehner does not actually want to bankrupt the country, of course, makes him a Communist, because “logic.” Well, your Louie Gohmerts and your Somebody Amashes and whomever are not thrilled, and it is only a matter of time before chunks of bloody John Boehner flesh are piled in a heap at NRA Headquarters.

So who will follow him as Speaker of the House? The naked malevolence that is Eric Cantor? PROBABLY. But let us go further “outside the box,” like Breitbart keeps doing (oh wait no, he is definitely inside a box), and remind ourselves that you do not actually have to be a member of the House to be the Speaker of the House!

NO LIMITS DUDES.

Who will be the next Speaker of the House?

  • A Bushmaster AR-15.
  • A pile of human shit.
  • Michele Bachmann.
  • The kids who murdered Piggy.
  • Newt Gingrich.
  • Ghost Andrew Breitbart.
  • The rotted corpse of Ronald Reagan.
  • The Pope.
  • Charlotte Allen.
  • The Ayatollah Khomeini.
  • Colonel Kurtz.
  • Bill Ayers.
  • Mel Gibson.
  • Walmart. Just ‘Walmart.’

We don’t know dudes. It could go in any direction! But we’re gonna go with “a pile of human shit.”

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 48 comments }

BaldarTFlagass December 21, 2012 at 2:54 pm

"A pile of human shit."

That's really worked out well for them so far.

Geminisunmars December 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

This just begs for a "AOTK".

Barbara_ December 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

The author of "Kegels For Teens", Bristol Palin?

BaldarTFlagass December 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Charles Manson isn't doing anything these days.

fawkedifiknow December 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"A pile of human shit."?

So, you are going with Eric Cantor after all.

AlterNewt December 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Joseph Gurney Cannon? Experienced, though dead.

freakishlywrong December 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

OT/but I am the proud possessor of a pair of feral panties with crotch teeth and an Old Handsome Joe mug. Thanks, toots!

commiegirl99 December 21, 2012 at 3:00 pm

My great pleasure, dearheart!

BadKitty904 December 21, 2012 at 3:00 pm

< envisions "wild packs of feral panties roaming the tundra…"

sullivanst December 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Presumably said wild packs will number "so many".

BadKitty904 December 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

< watches far too much "Animal Planet"…

snowpointsecret December 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Well, it makes sense, since you are a cat…

skmind December 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Minnesota Palin.

OneYieldRegular December 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

A bottle of Wild Turkey?

DerrickWildcat December 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

My guess is someone super crazy.

EatFrankRich December 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Eric Cantor. Oh I'm sorry, you already said a pile of human shit. Well, name it and move on.

gullywompr December 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

David Koch

BerkeleyBear December 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Would certainly cut down on the commute time to the GOP Koch-sucking sessions.

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Isn't he already Majority Leader or something like that?

freakishlywrong December 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I'm going with the Lord of the Flies.

BaldarTFlagass December 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

How about that Shrieking White-Hot Sphere of Rage?

snowpointsecret December 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Andrew Breitbart. It's only voter fraud if dead people vote, not if they hold office!

Dr. Nick Riviera December 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Vigo and his throne of blood

under_score December 21, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Mitt Romn….hahhahhaha

eggsacklywright December 21, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I nominate Milo Minderbinder.

BadKitty904 December 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Chancellor Palpatine.

sullivanst December 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Not that it makes much of a difference, what with the House GOP essentially being unleadable.

christianmuslin December 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Fox News.

AlterNewt December 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Nathan Templeton? Ruthless, though fictional.

elviouslyqueer December 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Virginia Foxx or GTFO.

AlterNewt December 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Oh yes.

VodkaGoGo December 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Geez, you libtards are so angry all the time. And why aren't you even talkin about the obvious choice, Ron Paul?

BadKitty904 December 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OK, I see your point, but BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA…

commiegirl99 December 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm

RON PAUL!!!1!

smokefilledroommate December 21, 2012 at 3:03 pm

a kitteh.

christianmuslin December 21, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Also, Mitt Romney is available.

RemyLeHeaux December 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Galactus can make Paul Ryan his herald, the Silver (Cock) Slurper… uh, I mean "Whip"…

snowpointsecret December 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Ayn Rand? Rand Paul? Paul Ryan?

ManchuCandidate December 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Jar Jar Binks

lefty74 December 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Limbaugh's urinal cake is Hannity's Chapstick, so any old buttplug will suffice.

JustPixelz December 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm

"a pack of wild tarded dogs to Congress

tarded dogs libel. (of course)

Botlrokit December 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm
savethispatient December 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Speaker? We don't need no stinking Speaker!

Lionel[redacted]Esq December 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm

<<cough>>

Satan.

<<cough>>

snowpointsecret December 21, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Nah, he's already Speaker of the House.

SexySmurf December 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm

They should do what anybody does when facing declining ratings: get Ted McGinley!

christianmuslin December 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Or, our very own Ms Wonkette.

BadKitty904 December 21, 2012 at 3:07 pm

The goddess Kālī.

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