a very special special election

Obama Nominates Kerry, Nation Collectively Shrugs

remember livestrong bracelets? those were funHi people of Massachusetts! Did you enjoy your brief flirtation with having two Democratic senators like a goddamn blue state should? Welp, that’s over thanks to the Kenyan socialist pretender! After some incredibly boring speculation, it looks like hangdog-faced John Kerry will be your new Secretary of State, America!! GET EXCITED:

President Obama will nominate John F. Kerry, the five-term senator from Massachusetts, to replace Hillary Rodham Clinton as secretary of State, White House sources confirmed, choosing a longtime political ally who shares much of his foreign policy worldview and is likely to sail through confirmation hearings. Obama settled on the 2004 Democratic presidential nominee shortly after the wrenching withdrawal of Susan Rice, his envoy to the United Nations, as the top candidate for the post.

We assume that John McCain and Lindsay Graham are still doing their long slow dance of joy over ratfucking the Rice nomination, while also thinking about how they can claim that moderate mush-mouth Kerry is also not acceptable.

We’re sure Kerry will be…adequate…at State. There will never be an awesome iconic memefest of him looking awesome while texting, and he’ll probably say really stiff and boring things (but he did not say “Who among us does not like NASCAR” so stop joking about that please now). The problem is, Kerry’s boring adequacy will be utterly overshadowed if his ascendance returns sexy sexy Scott Brown to the Senate:

Forty-seven percent of registered voters would vote for Brown compared with 39 percent who would vote for a generic Democrat. Against many of the most talked-about Democratic candidates, Brown holds big leads. He tops Rep. Michael Capuano, 47 percent to 28 percent; has a 48 percent to 30 percent lead over Rep. Ed Markey; and holds a whopping 51 percent to 24 percent lead over Rep. Stephen Lynch. And his lead over former Rep. Marty Meehan is 49 percent to 30 percent.

The four House members suffer from low name recognition. A majority of Bay State voters either don’t know of or don’t have an opinion of Meehan, Capuano, Markey and Lynch. Brown is viewed favorably by 58 percent of voters, and only 28 percent view him unfavorably, the poll found.

Goddammit Obama. Now you’ve saddled us with the very real possibility of Massholes putting Senator Staple-Crotch back in office again.  This guy is one lucky motherfucker when it comes to special elections arising. Two more years of casual racism from staffers! Two more years of the stupid, stupid truck! 2014 can’t come soon enough.

[Los Angeles Times]

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137 comments

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Boner's tears were being flung across both chambers last night; Kerry was in the line of fire and suffered collateral damage.

  1. Come here a minute

    Don't believe what you read in this poll — the voters of Massachusetts have not yet had a chance to meet generic Democrat's wife!

    1. Lot_49

      He's a member of their tribe. They'll give him a free pass. It's be a different story if the House confirmed cabinet appointments and Miche1e Bachmann could bring her special brand of crazee.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Maybe we should be panicking. Maybe he has learned his lesson and will not say stupid things during his campaign abou… BWAHAHAHA! Damnit! I thought I could get through the whole thing withut laughing!

  2. edgydrifter

    By virtue of the fact that I'm not reflexively outraged by Kerry's nomination, I'm going to mark this one in the "win" column. Sure, the best you can say about him is "we could do a lot worse," but that's a significant accomplishment in DC these days.

  3. HRH_Maddie

    Obama should have recess appointed Rice just as a tumb-in-the-eye to Republicans. Woulda felt good.

  4. Oblios_Cap

    I hear a pickup truck idling somewhere nearby…

    Kerry will bore our enemies to sleep. What a masterful prick!

  5. larryfinexx

    All the foreign diplomats will be bamboozeled by gazing at Kerry's perfect hair, and then he can hornswaggle them into doing whats good for America.

  6. Lot_49

    Now Kerry can bloviate where no one will pay attention to him.

    Tweetie had a reasonable point the other day though: it makes sense to have an almost-president as secretary of state, because the foreigns will be impressed.

    And Barry's cabinet will continue to be the Club of Old White Ex-Senators.

  7. NellCote71

    You know what would be really, really funny. Hillary moves to Massachusetts, like she did when she moved to New York, and runs for the Senate. Now that would be cool.

    1. edgydrifter

      Yeah, but then she'd have to claim she'd always been a Yankees fan, which would cause Red Sox Nation to come completely unglued. Enraged Bostonians are an ugly sight to behold. Ask the Hessians.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        "Enraged Bostonians are an ugly sight to behold."

        Especially if you pre-empt the broadcast of a Patriots game.

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "He tops Rep. Michael Capuano, 47 percent to 28 percent; has a 48 percent to 30 percent lead over Rep. Ed Markey; and holds a whopping 51 percent to 24 percent lead over Rep. Stephen Lynch. And his lead over former Rep. Marty Meehan is 49 percent to 30 percent. "

    Doesn't Massachusetts have a couple of spare Kennedys lying around?

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Definitely, but the thought and cleverness you gave it resulted in a second place finish, ya fuckin' loser!

  9. Come here a minute

    Can't wait to see if Sec. Clinton can stand up straight. Hang in there Hill; Kerry's confirmation will be quick.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    Kerry was on one of my flights home from the Middle East. Nice guy, chatted with anyone who wanted to speak to him. Anyway, at least we know he's got a fucking passport.

  11. DahBoner

    Kerry and Gore should run a Chinese laundry together, since everyone knows they're really good at folding.

    //rimshot

  12. OneYieldRegular

    Since the Hunt's been on for a new Secretary of State, I could barely catsup with this story. Unfortunately, I just can't get beHeinz this nominee the way I could have for Rice.

    (blame it on the Mayan apocalypse)

  13. OneDollarJuana

    Obama fires back at NRA. Hits bullseye.

    Obama nominates John Kerry for Sec'y of State. Shoots self in foot.

    1. zippy_w_pinhead

      tell me about it- I live in AZ and watched in horror as Obama yanked Janet Napolitano away and left the crazies in charge

  14. SunburntCounsel

    I wouldn't panic quite yet. The minute that poll was released leaks/floods about a potential Teddy Kennedy Jr. run started.
    And the Warren ground game is still in place, compared to a non-existent and non-emergent Coakley ground game last time.

    (/Steps off ledge. Feels awkward about being stoked for a legacy candidate. Wishes I could come up with a good analogy for all the ways Teddy Jr. has this in the bag.)

  15. VodkaGoGo

    Jesus, is there not another Kennedy we could scrounge up to run against Brown? They breed like mice so I know there has to be one available. What about the one that was banging Taylor Swift, would he like to be a U.S. Senator now?

      1. VodkaGoGo

        One of the Kennedy grand kids was making the bedtime happy funtime with Taylor Swift and apparently she enjoyed it so much that she bought a house by the Kennedy compound, or something.

  16. rickmaci

    Fuk. What happened to service before self? I can't imagine why Kerry (or anyone for that matter) wants to be SOS but even if that is the one thing he most wants in the world, any idiot can see the downside to the progressive agenda with a thinning of the majority in the Senate. Fuk.

    1. VodkaGoGo

      He was the second democrat to win an election against George W Bush and still not end up being president. That's still a touchy subject for some of us.

  17. GoodDogThor

    Sail through confirmation hearings? Not if Cheney and Rove have anything to say.
    What? Nobody gives a shit what those 2 evil dumbfucks say anymore? Guess it has been a good year after all.

  18. orygoon

    I hope Scott Brown runs, and I hope the reddest, most Indian (native-type) Indian in the world pops out of her/his teepee in Massachusetts and scalps him–with votes.

    Okay, yeah, they don't live in teepees in Massachusetts, but s/he might put a few up for the presser, for fun.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I've got a cousin up in Mass who is like 1/16th Native American, at one point he set up a teepee in my grandma's back yard and shacked up with his awful girlfriend there for a year or two. Grandma thought it was great (except the girlfriend part) but everyone else in the family was absolutely horrified (especially the girlfriend part). He scammed some pretty good bennies from being a member of the tribe.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, if the idea of controlling the Senate was the prime motivator, maybe he should have appointed some psycho rightie from a state with a Dem governor. That probably would have worked out well.

  20. Callyson

    Also, about those polls: I remember that pit in my stomach last summer when polls showed Scottie with a lead over Elizabeth Warren. And we all know how that turned out.

    1. BadKitty904

      I sometimes get the impression that voters aren't always *quite* as stupid as the GOP thinks they are…

  21. Botlrokit

    I keep hearing all this "Brown is a favorite over…" and "Brown has a clear edge with…"

    …but why, again, did he lose his job? O THAT IS RIGHT THE VOTERS TOLD HIM TO POUND SAND

    1. JohnyEdge

      I have severe doubts about the economic value ascribed to "lost productivity" next Monday. Unless you mean White Elephant exchanges, ordering stuff over the Internet, looking at porn and increasing the number of sexual harassment lawsuits.

  22. HarryButtle

    I know Barry's supposed to be a genius at 13 dimensional chess, but can somebody explain basic math and percentages to the man, using the Democratic majority in the Senate as a teaching tool?

  23. Antispandex

    Tab for the story on Yahoo News:
    "Obama Taps Kerry"
    OK, now that is one funny, or clueless, writer!

  24. SorosBot

    It's not gonna happen, but I'd love to see Barney Frank undo his retirement for the special election.

  25. Tommmcatt_Again

    Thank god I had breakfast before I read that thing about John McCain and Nuss Lundsay slow dancing.

    Dry heaves are he worst.

  26. joeyblau

    One of the more pathetic things I did in my life.. was.. on Election night 2004.. get drunk and sit there dialing people in my local phone book begging them to vote for Kerry and against Bush….

    He was a horrible candidate.. why do we suck as a party… "Idon't know why" said Obama "but I think we can all agree that a chained CPI is a good compromise…"

    and now we have to go through another gosh-darn-it-all-to-heck election.. we.. not me cause I don't live in MA.. but still..

  27. RadioGunsGunsGuns

    I haz a confused. How come South Carolina gets to appoint their teabagger, but the masshole has to elect one?

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