a very special special election

Obama Nominates Kerry, Nation Collectively Shrugs

remember livestrong bracelets? those were funHi people of Massachusetts! Did you enjoy your brief flirtation with having two Democratic senators like a goddamn blue state should? Welp, that’s over thanks to the Kenyan socialist pretender! After some incredibly boring speculation, it looks like hangdog-faced John Kerry will be your new Secretary of State, America!! GET EXCITED:

President Obama will nominate John F. Kerry, the five-term senator from Massachusetts, to replace Hillary Rodham Clinton as secretary of State, White House sources confirmed, choosing a longtime political ally who shares much of his foreign policy worldview and is likely to sail through confirmation hearings. Obama settled on the 2004 Democratic presidential nominee shortly after the wrenching withdrawal of Susan Rice, his envoy to the United Nations, as the top candidate for the post.

We assume that John McCain and Lindsay Graham are still doing their long slow dance of joy over ratfucking the Rice nomination, while also thinking about how they can claim that moderate mush-mouth Kerry is also not acceptable.

We’re sure Kerry will be…adequate…at State. There will never be an awesome iconic memefest of him looking awesome while texting, and he’ll probably say really stiff and boring things (but he did not say “Who among us does not like NASCAR” so stop joking about that please now). The problem is, Kerry’s boring adequacy will be utterly overshadowed if his ascendance returns sexy sexy Scott Brown to the Senate:

Forty-seven percent of registered voters would vote for Brown compared with 39 percent who would vote for a generic Democrat. Against many of the most talked-about Democratic candidates, Brown holds big leads. He tops Rep. Michael Capuano, 47 percent to 28 percent; has a 48 percent to 30 percent lead over Rep. Ed Markey; and holds a whopping 51 percent to 24 percent lead over Rep. Stephen Lynch. And his lead over former Rep. Marty Meehan is 49 percent to 30 percent.

The four House members suffer from low name recognition. A majority of Bay State voters either don’t know of or don’t have an opinion of Meehan, Capuano, Markey and Lynch. Brown is viewed favorably by 58 percent of voters, and only 28 percent view him unfavorably, the poll found.

Goddammit Obama. Now you’ve saddled us with the very real possibility of Massholes putting Senator Staple-Crotch back in office again.  This guy is one lucky motherfucker when it comes to special elections arising. Two more years of casual racism from staffers! Two more years of the stupid, stupid truck! 2014 can’t come soon enough.

[Los Angeles Times]

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  • BadKitty904

    Why is he orange? It there something in the Congressional water system or what?

    • larryfinexx

      he eats too many carrots.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He accepted an invitation to go sailboarding on Boehner's lake of bourbon.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Boner's tears were being flung across both chambers last night; Kerry was in the line of fire and suffered collateral damage.

    • eggsacklywright

      Tang.

    • Botlrokit

      It sure can't be UV.

    • RadioGunsGunsGuns

      Fluoride?

  • ttommyunger

    Ex-Senator Staple-Crotch is chubbing up in his pink lace panties even as I tap this out.

    • BadKitty904

      Ew.

      • ttommyunger

        Ewwwww!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Brownie's pinkies, now that is a thought!

          • ttommyunger

            But not a pleasant one.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  • Come here a minute

    Don't believe what you read in this poll — the voters of Massachusetts have not yet had a chance to meet generic Democrat's wife!

  • gullywompr

    Those polls are skewed.

    • Antispandex

      The polls are screwed.
      *fixed*

  • Baconzgood

    ?sail through confermation hearings"

    BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

    That's rich.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      They meant "sailboards through…"

    • Lot_49

      He's a member of their tribe. They'll give him a free pass. It's be a different story if the House confirmed cabinet appointments and Miche1e Bachmann could bring her special brand of crazee.

    • joeyblau

      right after the 345 judges waiting to be confirmed… sure..

  • BadKitty904

    Has Kerry posted his tax returns and long-form birth certificate, like any good American?

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      no, but he did post the bill of sale for his windsurfing rig

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Well if they love Brown so goddamned much, how did he lose to the schoolmarm?! Maybe we shouldn't be prematurely panicking.

    • LesBontemps

      I like my panicking like I like my women: pre-mature.

    • StillGoinGreen

      Maybe we should be panicking. Maybe he has learned his lesson and will not say stupid things during his campaign abou… BWAHAHAHA! Damnit! I thought I could get through the whole thing withut laughing!

    • petforest

      And this time he can lose to another first time politician, Ben Aflaaack, who is not a duck.

  • edgydrifter

    By virtue of the fact that I'm not reflexively outraged by Kerry's nomination, I'm going to mark this one in the "win" column. Sure, the best you can say about him is "we could do a lot worse," but that's a significant accomplishment in DC these days.

  • HRH_Maddie

    Obama should have recess appointed Rice just as a tumb-in-the-eye to Republicans. Woulda felt good.

    • BadKitty904

      *sigh* I wish.

    • eggsacklywright

      But that would have been unbipartisan-y.

      • HRH_Maddie

        And unprecedented! (Except for that time Bush did it)

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Hopefully we can find another Indian chick to run against Brown (again.)

    • Botlrokit

      I nominate Reshma Shetty!

      • MosesInvests

        I nominate Priya Koothrapali!

        • LesBontemps

          Archie Panjabi or GTFO!

  • Oblios_Cap

    I hear a pickup truck idling somewhere nearby…

    Kerry will bore our enemies to sleep. What a masterful prick!

  • HRH_Maddie

    Ah, good. I've been saying we need more white guys in high places of power.

  • larryfinexx

    All the foreign diplomats will be bamboozeled by gazing at Kerry's perfect hair, and then he can hornswaggle them into doing whats good for America.

    • BadKitty904

      Has "Hairy Kerry" been used yet?

      • LesBontemps

        It has now.

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    Mike Capuano would crush the fuck out of Centerfold. Somerville don't play.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    One of Easter Island's heads is missing.

  • Lot_49

    Now Kerry can bloviate where no one will pay attention to him.

    Tweetie had a reasonable point the other day though: it makes sense to have an almost-president as secretary of state, because the foreigns will be impressed.

    And Barry's cabinet will continue to be the Club of Old White Ex-Senators.

    • BadKitty904

      I can hear the foreigns now: "I *loved* you in the 'Munsters'!"

  • NellCote71

    You know what would be really, really funny. Hillary moves to Massachusetts, like she did when she moved to New York, and runs for the Senate. Now that would be cool.

    • edgydrifter

      Yeah, but then she'd have to claim she'd always been a Yankees fan, which would cause Red Sox Nation to come completely unglued. Enraged Bostonians are an ugly sight to behold. Ask the Hessians.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "Enraged Bostonians are an ugly sight to behold."

        Especially if you pre-empt the broadcast of a Patriots game.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "He tops Rep. Michael Capuano, 47 percent to 28 percent; has a 48 percent to 30 percent lead over Rep. Ed Markey; and holds a whopping 51 percent to 24 percent lead over Rep. Stephen Lynch. And his lead over former Rep. Marty Meehan is 49 percent to 30 percent. "

    Doesn't Massachusetts have a couple of spare Kennedys lying around?

    • BadKitty904

      We've got a few down here we could lend them, if they don't.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Damn you!! Mine was more colorful.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Definitely, but the thought and cleverness you gave it resulted in a second place finish, ya fuckin' loser!

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          haha

          • BaldarTFlagass

            kkkkkk! I'm sure your post will win the upfist war in the end.

      • VodkaGoGo

        Mine seemed really clever at the time but now it just seems late.

    • eggsacklywright

      Yeah, dead ones.

  • Come here a minute

    Can't wait to see if Sec. Clinton can stand up straight. Hang in there Hill; Kerry's confirmation will be quick.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Kerry was on one of my flights home from the Middle East. Nice guy, chatted with anyone who wanted to speak to him. Anyway, at least we know he's got a fucking passport.

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    Teddy Jr. is mulling a run. If that happens, Scottie won't even bother.

  • Come here a minute

    That would be fucking awesome! Senators Warren and Clinton, what a team.

    • BadKitty904

      Aw, HELLS, yah! Asses *would* be kicked.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    If Brown wins the special election to replace Kerry the number of senators with hot daughters will remain the same.

  • eggsacklywright

    So glad Bammer has done exactly what the Repugs wanted. Again.

    • BadKitty904

      He seems to be getting better at it.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Is there a Kennedy in the bullpen who isn't on drugs or fucking his nanny? Or underwhelming everyone by saying "uh" a lot, if it's a girl?

    • NellCote71

      One would hope. They are a prolific clan.

  • DahBoner

    Kerry and Gore should run a Chinese laundry together, since everyone knows they're really good at folding.

    //rimshot

    • joeyblau

      Gore? because he did not fight the Court… hmmm.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Truly, you have had a "Brush With Greatness"!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It was almost as cool as when George Thorogood signed my copy of "Bad to the Bone"!

  • Antispandex

    How can it be Scott Brown? According to PoitiFact, and everyone with ears, he's a big fat liar.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Maybe the Massachusetts Democratic Party can get whoever plays the Atlanta Braves' or Cleveland Indians' mascot to move up and run.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    At least he doesn't have John Edwards tagging along — I'll take boring competence over fake sincerity any day.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The good thing about nominating Kerry is that most of the world will fall asleep, which should make things a bit more peaceful.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Since the Hunt's been on for a new Secretary of State, I could barely catsup with this story. Unfortunately, I just can't get beHeinz this nominee the way I could have for Rice.

    (blame it on the Mayan apocalypse)

    • larryfinexx

      I relish your comment.

      • Misty Malarky

        But can Kerry cut the mustard?

        • OneDollarJuana

          Or will he leave us in a pickle?

    • eggsacklywright

      Thank you for your Intense Debate condiments.

    • mull_man

      Will he sing "57 ways to leave the Senate?"

  • Callyson

    Wait–wasn't Deval Patrick thinking about running? I haz a confused…

    • eggsacklywright

      Or maybe Danica?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        "Come see the X-rated conclusion at the polls!!"

        • zippy_w_pinhead

          or poles, as it were

  • OneDollarJuana

    Obama fires back at NRA. Hits bullseye.

    Obama nominates John Kerry for Sec'y of State. Shoots self in foot.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      tell me about it- I live in AZ and watched in horror as Obama yanked Janet Napolitano away and left the crazies in charge

  • SunburntCounsel

    I wouldn't panic quite yet. The minute that poll was released leaks/floods about a potential Teddy Kennedy Jr. run started.
    And the Warren ground game is still in place, compared to a non-existent and non-emergent Coakley ground game last time.

    (/Steps off ledge. Feels awkward about being stoked for a legacy candidate. Wishes I could come up with a good analogy for all the ways Teddy Jr. has this in the bag.)

  • Come here a minute

    Oh, damn, Hillz didn't make it.

  • VodkaGoGo

    Jesus, is there not another Kennedy we could scrounge up to run against Brown? They breed like mice so I know there has to be one available. What about the one that was banging Taylor Swift, would he like to be a U.S. Senator now?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Great minds — or The Greatest Minds? And what's all this about banging Taylor Swift?

      • VodkaGoGo

        One of the Kennedy grand kids was making the bedtime happy funtime with Taylor Swift and apparently she enjoyed it so much that she bought a house by the Kennedy compound, or something.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Taylor Swift not only having carnal knowledge, but with a Kennedy?! Taylor Bigler at The Daily Caller will plotz in her panties!

  • rickmaci

    Fuk. What happened to service before self? I can't imagine why Kerry (or anyone for that matter) wants to be SOS but even if that is the one thing he most wants in the world, any idiot can see the downside to the progressive agenda with a thinning of the majority in the Senate. Fuk.

  • snowpointsecret

    Who or what is a "John Kerry"?

    • BadKitty904

      It's a breed of terrier, isn't it?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        You are a scoundrel, Sir!

        • BadKitty904

          *purrs*

    • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      A vodka martini that uses ketchup instead of vermouth.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Oh, that is good, indeed!

    • eggsacklywright

      Rhymes with Wonkerrey.

    • HRH_Maddie

      It's like a water cracker, only blander.

    • VodkaGoGo

      He was the second democrat to win an election against George W Bush and still not end up being president. That's still a touchy subject for some of us.

    • eggsacklywright

      Half of Cash and Kerry.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “Who among us does not like NASCAR hunting season?”

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Kerry is wearing some kind of Thurston Howell fucking yacht jacket there, so I guess he does figure he'll sail through confirmation.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Ahoy polloi… where did you come from, a scotch ad?"

    • edgydrifter

      But no French cuffs, because he's a man of the people.

  • GoodDogThor

    Sail through confirmation hearings? Not if Cheney and Rove have anything to say.
    What? Nobody gives a shit what those 2 evil dumbfucks say anymore? Guess it has been a good year after all.

  • https://picasaweb.google.com/117147678622482358883/GoonFamilySchoolPhotos orygoon

    I hope Scott Brown runs, and I hope the reddest, most Indian (native-type) Indian in the world pops out of her/his teepee in Massachusetts and scalps him–with votes.

    Okay, yeah, they don't live in teepees in Massachusetts, but s/he might put a few up for the presser, for fun.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I've got a cousin up in Mass who is like 1/16th Native American, at one point he set up a teepee in my grandma's back yard and shacked up with his awful girlfriend there for a year or two. Grandma thought it was great (except the girlfriend part) but everyone else in the family was absolutely horrified (especially the girlfriend part). He scammed some pretty good bennies from being a member of the tribe.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, if the idea of controlling the Senate was the prime motivator, maybe he should have appointed some psycho rightie from a state with a Dem governor. That probably would have worked out well.

  • Callyson

    Also, about those polls: I remember that pit in my stomach last summer when polls showed Scottie with a lead over Elizabeth Warren. And we all know how that turned out.

    • BadKitty904

      I sometimes get the impression that voters aren't always *quite* as stupid as the GOP thinks they are…

  • Botlrokit

    I keep hearing all this "Brown is a favorite over…" and "Brown has a clear edge with…"

    …but why, again, did he lose his job? O THAT IS RIGHT THE VOTERS TOLD HIM TO POUND SAND

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    I shrugged just reading this…

    • eggsacklywright

      That you, Atlas?

  • gullywompr
    • BaldarTFlagass

      Shit, I already signed my leave chit for that day. Hope they let me take it back.

    • JohnyEdge

      I have severe doubts about the economic value ascribed to "lost productivity" next Monday. Unless you mean White Elephant exchanges, ordering stuff over the Internet, looking at porn and increasing the number of sexual harassment lawsuits.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Why is he giving us Christmas Eve off if he's a fucking Muslim?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    What about running zombie Ferdinando Sacco or his best bud zombie Bartolomeo Vanzetti?

    • eggsacklywright

      Shoes for industry! Viva Brockton!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Hey! I was born in Brockton!

        How the fuck did I end up in San Antonio again?

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Contest the nomination, John!!!

  • HarryButtle

    I know Barry's supposed to be a genius at 13 dimensional chess, but can somebody explain basic math and percentages to the man, using the Democratic majority in the Senate as a teaching tool?

  • jakegittes

    Will Brown raffle off his daughters again to raise money for the campaign?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Lurch as Sec State. Uncle Fester as VP. Gomez as Prez. Morticia as First Lady. Who's Cousin ITT in the Admin?

    • eggsacklywright

      Sec of Education, natch.

  • Biff

    Need to see how his daughters are growing up before making up my mind.

  • Antispandex

    Tab for the story on Yahoo News:
    "Obama Taps Kerry"
    OK, now that is one funny, or clueless, writer!

    • gullywompr

      Best one I saw was "Boehner taps Bachmann for Intelligence".

  • SorosBot

    It's not gonna happen, but I'd love to see Barney Frank undo his retirement for the special election.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Kerry can negotiate Heinz shipments to our allies, single-handedly reviving the American economy!

  • mavenmaven

    Hey, Massachusetts, why the long face?

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    Thank god I had breakfast before I read that thing about John McCain and Nuss Lundsay slow dancing.

    Dry heaves are he worst.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    …everyone would just be hanging around waiting for that early-release email anyway.

  • joeyblau

    One of the more pathetic things I did in my life.. was.. on Election night 2004.. get drunk and sit there dialing people in my local phone book begging them to vote for Kerry and against Bush….

    He was a horrible candidate.. why do we suck as a party… "Idon't know why" said Obama "but I think we can all agree that a chained CPI is a good compromise…"

    and now we have to go through another gosh-darn-it-all-to-heck election.. we.. not me cause I don't live in MA.. but still..

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Well I don't think Obama would have given him up if he didn't have a Plan B.

  • RadioGunsGunsGuns

    I haz a confused. How come South Carolina gets to appoint their teabagger, but the masshole has to elect one?