don't know what we were thinking

NRA Literally Blows Nation’s Head Off; Midwest Has Sucking Chest Wound

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In a bizarre “press conference” that permitted no questions, National Rifle Association executive vice president Wayne LaPierre declined to offer the sort of small but sensible concession that many idiots like your Editrix expected in the wake of the Newtown massacre — offering to compromise on the gun show loophole for background checks, for instance, or maybe something about okay fine maybe we don’t need hollow-point bullets — and instead declared #war on gun-free zones at elementary schools, celebrities, the Legend of Zelda, the lack of a national registry of the mentally ill, and probably single mothers and Easy Bake ovens, we don’t know because at some point his words smashed through our brains and splattered them all over our monitor. It is very messy.

The nation’s jaw literally fell off its face as it collectively realized that Code Pink and Medea Benjamin are a bunch of goddamn heroes and that the NRA had fallen into its own Glenn Beckian black hole of insanity as LaPierre spouted weird words about how if soldiers and Secret Service agents have guns then so must the guy standing the local pizza joint’s ground, and that “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.” (Or, and we’re just spitballing, a bad guy not having a gun.) Even trained police officers accidentally shoot unarmed people (especially if they’re black, Hispanic, or mentally ill) but obviously nothing could go wrong when random folks are armed like Robocop.

Oh, here’s a thing that just happened. And here is a sampling of gun deaths since Newtown, which sure as fuck doesn’t seem like it was only a week ago.

Anyhoo, we don’t even remember what the hell else LaPierre was babbling about, because we are dead now, from shock and brain damage.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • http://kittenbomb.wordpress.com kittenbomb

    "LaPierre announced that former Rep. Asa Hutchison, R-Ark., will lead an NRA program that will develop a model security plan for schools that relies on armed volunteers."

    Yeah, like that sweetie pie George Zimmerman. What could possibly go wrong?

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Oh for fucks sake…
      SAS, Delta force, etc, etc practice every damn day in their killing house or practice rooms, to enable them to try to kill hostage takers/loony tunes/NRA members. And this little turd thinks wannabe fat old rednecks will be competent to do this how, exactly?

  • Sue4466

    Batshit Insane NRA Still Batshit Insane.

    So glad they had a press conference for this. Because this is news.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Meanwhile, in other news, Hilary Clinton pisses in ocean, sharks get passports…

  • HarryButtle

    OT I love the "37 things to hoard" ad with the sad Obama-loving family, standing in an empty supermarket because the 'Pocalypse happened and they weren't prepared with enough canned food and gunz.

    • zumpie

      Yes, I woke up to a gently purring kitty on my chest (real kitty, no double entendres, there) and wondered where this maginificent apocalypse I had been promised was. Well, I suppose it came a few hours early for Boner..

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

      I don't bother hoarding. If I need something after the collapse I will visit the hoarding neighbors with my Armalite Bushmaster M-15 and take what I need.

      • finallyhappy

        yeah, well, don't try to get any of my bureau full of yarn!!

    • An_Outhouse

      Wonkette is starting to load as much crap on its pages as Huffington Post.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        They're hoarding ads; because Obamapocalypse.

  • Come here a minute

    The Tennessee girl that was hit by a stray bullet while watching cartoons was asking for it because of slut pills and short pj's.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Was her house a gun-free zone? Figures.

    • malsperanza

      And being black.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    There was an All in the Family episode where Archie got time on the local TV news to advocate arming everyone on planes to stop hijackings. We laughed and laughed.

  • Sue4466

    If only Ronald Reagan and James Brady had been surrounded by good guys with guns.

    • Biff

      See, that is exactly why we shouldn't do anything, because it's inevitable that we all should die in a hail of bullets.

      • Sue4466

        Same reason we shouldn't outlaw things like murder, because then only outlaws will murder.

    • JustPixelz

      Someone asked how many people you could shoot at a gun show with the type of guns Lanza was carrying. I'll bet it's more than zero.

      • An_Outhouse

        It would be a cruel joke to throw a big fire cracker into a gun show and see how many people survive.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          "cruel"?

        • sewollef

          "joke"?

        • LesBontemps

          I call it "the scientific method."

        • carlgt1

          "Darwin award"?

      • Sue4466

        Especially when the assailant is wearing full body armor.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        The last gun show I attended (which is the ONLY gun show I've attended) loaded weapons were not allowed. You had to show that anything you brought in to buy or sell was clear, and they put a red Zip-Tie through the action to confirm.

    • MayanRadio

      Or JFK.

  • zumpie

    Sooooo, I'm still trying to figure out how he thinks his cut state funding buddies in congress will pay for this, or how turning us into a true jack booted thug police state will make us more free or how a guy with a pistol is gonna really stop a crazy person with an assault rifle. But tha'ts just me, I suppose.

    Also, too, also: Fuck you, you crazy, douche bag gun nut. Go join Boner in the wonderful world of irrelevance.

    • BadKitty904

      That's crossed my mind, too. We currently can't afford to teach our kids to read and write – who's gonna pay for all these K-12 stormtroopers?

      • MayanRadio

        Or living in a gunned up encampment makes us free. And zumpie's third comment also too.

      • gullywompr

        That's easy – the money comes from the savings we get by defunding PBS.

        • proudgrampa

          Which means these school guards aren't even going to make minimum wage.

          • oenspiek

            Aren't these school guards going to be volunteers, doing it becuz FREEDUM?

          • comrad_darkness

            Recruiting volunteers to work with children would be an excellent way to trap pedobear.

          • oenspiek

            Heavily armed pedobear!!

        • BadKitty904

          I dunno – Cookie Monster, at least, hasn't killed anybody, to date…

          • CommieDad

            I hear Elmo's looking for work.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Because Everybody Armed = 'merika, freedom
      Nobody armed = Nazi Germany

      I been edumacating myself on this.

    • Callyson

      Yeah, I missed the part where he said he'd support a tax on gun purchases to finance this plan.

      /FFS again

      ETA: From HuffyPo's article on this crap, evidently he thinks people are going to volunteer to be school cops:

      LaPierre announced that former Rep. Asa Hutchison, R-Ark., will lead an NRA program that will develop a model security plan for schools that relies on armed volunteers.

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/21/nra-pres

      /FFS FFS FFS FFS…

      • zumpie

        Oh goody!!! Nothing says "safe kids" like old coot gun nuts–cause only a bunch of retired wingnuts would volunteer to do this (even freaky preppers are busy creating/planning for the new, NEW apocalypse).

        And the old coot gun nuts will STILL probably demand free cheese sandwiches and milk from Chartwells (read our tax dollars in their coffers) as payment.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dang, I sure wish we had guns when I was in elementary school. Kids these days don't know how good they've got it.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, I mean only one kid brought a gun to school the whole time I was growing up, and he didn't even go to my school. How exciting and cool it would have been if we could have played Call of Duty in the hallways with live ammo.

      • finallyhappy

        nah, but we did have a kid toss a firecracker into a stairwell during recess- well, we heard it happened but as we were all out at recess who knows?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        One kid I know brought a gun to school. He got an "A" on his research paper on muzzle-loading firearms. (During the in-class presentation, he used ground pepper instead of gunpowder. so nobody died.)

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Yeah, and if one of 'em tries to move the TV from the living room to the bedroom, you plug 'em!! (Don't know if you have that commercial down there…)

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Yep. Reference duly noted, and I actually flashed on that ad while I typed my original post…

  • Barbara_

    Some say we have enough gun control. Maybe we also need idiot control.

    • BadKitty904

      You'd think the guns would act as the ultimate "idiot control," but, so far, not enough…

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    I liked it best when LaPierre went all Oprah and handed out Bushmaster AR-15's to everyone in attendance at the presser. You get an AR-15 and you get an AR-15….

    • MayanRadio

      They fit under the seats??!

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Folding stocks.

  • slithytoves

    Breaking news: NRA jumps the shark. I especially like the claim to "bring all of our knowledge to the table." Great. The NRA just lowered the nation's collective I.Q.

    • BadKitty904

      "all our knowledge" – of what? Bullying and corrupting legislators? Conning the media? 'Cause they sure don't know jack about gun control.

    • petforest

      This will turn out to be GREAT for the control people.
      Pepy LaPew couldn't have done a worse job if he's come out nude and smeared with anchovy paste.

      • LesBontemps

        In a room full of hungry cats.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Cool. We'll have a world like the movie Aliens, where everybody is uneasy and on edge, and you never know who'll snap and blow you away.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Robin Williams called this shit 20 years ago. Basically Mad Max but with slightly nicer lawns.

    • http://bluemonkeh.blogspot.com/ BlueMonkeh

      Nevermind that Columbine had an armed officer, and he did fire at the shooters, didn't hit them, and most likely killed an innocent student.

  • http://twitter.com/bookofruthless boobookitteh

    Well played, Mayans. Well played.

    • slithytoves

      Yeah between the NRA and the Republicans – just wow.

    • proudgrampa

      This is the end of the world as we know it,

      I feel fine!!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.”

    And paper covers rock, rock smashes scissors, and scissors cut paper.

    • BadKitty904

      "the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun" is just laws, duly enforced.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Apocalyptypeg

      To build on your movie reference pun-wizardry from the other day:

      "LaPierre: I want you to hold your fire…between your knees."

      • Geminisunmars

        5 Easy Pisses

    • RadioGunsGunsGuns

      And what stops a troubled person, going through a rough spell, from sticking a Glock in their mouth and splattering brain and bone on the wall?

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Eh, eggs; omelets.

    • Dr. Nick Riviera

      Kif! We have a conundrum!

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Shorter NRA: "This is the beginning of a serious conversation. We won't be taking questions"

    • http://kittenbomb.wordpress.com kittenbomb

      That is the NRA's equivalent to "Gentlemen, this is the War Room! You can't fight in here!"

  • PubOption

    Wayne LaPierre certainly knows how to stay 'on message'.

    • BadKitty904

      I'm guessing the transmission from his owners was temporarily jammed by atmospheric interference…

  • elviouslyqueer

    I have no snark for this. LaPierre is a soulless fucking monster.

    Also, too.

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    So it's OK to register the mentally ill but not lethal hardware?
    That's a much slipperier slope than the one they're pissing their pants over.

    • BadKitty904

      It didn't seem to work out so well back in 1933…

    • SexySmurf

      That is incredibly offensive. The mentally ill are no more likely to commit violent acts than the general population. Why don't we start a national database of white males in their 20s since they seem to do all the shooting?

    • Sassomatic

      You don't fucking say. I'm diagnosed with a mental illness, and I really don't think I should have to be on some national registry that could easily be used against me in the future in other ways just so some gun worshiping tiny dicked douchebags can have semi automatic rifles to make them feel powerful. Fuck those people.

    • malsperanza

      Yes! Register people, not guns! Because registering guns is an assault on the Constitution, but registering people who fall within an easily stigmatized group on special lists held by the government … nah, no civil-rights problem wit that.

  • OzoneTom

    Simple, ban hoodies in schools.

    • DahBoner

      And Arizona Iced Tea, The Root of all Evil…

      • MosesInvests

        Skittles, also, too.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's more like a monologue. That one by Colonel Kurtz.

    • BerkeleyBear

      I suddenly feel the need to watch Apocalypse Now just to make the world make a tiny bit of sense.

      • Callyson

        Double feature with Taxi Driver FTW.

  • sundaytrucker

    Does the national registry for the mentally ill start with wayne la pierre?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      It starts with anyone who buys an assault rifle for fun (sociopath), or self-protection (delusional).

    • An_Outhouse

      He didn't really expound on what we should do with said database. Great, I have here the list of all the crazy people in the country. Whoop dee do.

      • malsperanza

        Obviously, put them in Obamacamps.

  • JustPixelz

    "“the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.”

    Sometimes the bad guys do the stopping: 68 police officers were killed in the line of duty by gunfire in 2011.

    In Tucson the nut-job shooter was stopped when some of the elderly people there hit him with their folding chairs and subdued him. Then an armed civilian ran out of the Safeway and almost shot the guy who picked up nut-jobs gun.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Or the "good guy" with the gun manages to miss the bad guy and hit the bystander. Which is enough of a problem that there is actually a conflict in law about whether that sort of reckless firing is chargeable to the party who began the conflict (classic felony-murder doctrine) or only if the bad guy actually did the firing (the bad guy bullet rule).

      • proudgrampa

        Jurisprudence is hard.

    • comrad_darkness

      That is a major unaddressed flaw in the gun nut global fully armed plan. Which is, when the cops arrive, who the hell do they shoot at/and or apprehend?

  • Buzz Feedback

    Even Floyd R. Turbo is aghast.

  • lefty74

    Fear is a marketable commodity. Marketer in Chief WLP.

    • BadKitty904

      It's been the GOP's primary commodity since 09/11/2001.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Yet another one piles out of the clown car that is the Republican Party's constituency.

    • NellCote71

      You think there would be a law of physics limit or something, but apparently not.

  • Not_So_Much

    I regret that I have but one fuck to give about Wayne LaPierre.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Don't give that fuck to him! Save it for someone worthwhile.

    • LesBontemps

      I have a whole bag of fucks I'm not giving about Wayne LaPierre.

    • viennawoods13

      I regret that I have but one upfist to give this comment.

  • BadKitty904

    The wingnuts keep losing sight of the problem – American schools shouldn't *N*E*E*D* an enhanced security plan.

    The reason our schools are currently in danger is because there are too many crazy people with guns. Not swords, not axes, not crossbows – GUNS.

    • BerkeleyBear

      Although a crossbow bolt to the head can ruin your whole day. Someone actually got killed that way in Southern California 20 years ago or so, which actually was touted briefly by the gun nuts as evidence gun control was a waste of time – never mind the daily coverage of drive by shootings.

  • slithytoves

    God bless the protesters. That guy with the pink sign was up there for at least 30 seconds. First Amendment trumps Second Amendment!

    • http://kittenbomb.wordpress.com kittenbomb

      I wish one of them had pulled out a TOY gun, just to see LaPierre shit his pants on live teevee.

    • Callyson

      I was surprised at how long that guy was able to hold the sign before they pulled him away from the cameras. Good on him.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        The guys responsible for protecting LaPierre from Code Pinkers were all out on coffee break, cleaning their Glocks.

  • Mahousu

    We don't have to worry about bad guys using guns. According to those Harvard researchers, pretty much anyone using a gun thinks of himself as a good guy. So, no problem.

    • BadKitty904

      "I was only following orders."

  • https://picasaweb.google.com/117147678622482358883/GoonFamilySchoolPhotos orygoon

    You sound just a tiny bit mad about this.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Mad/angry or mad/crazy? One needs to be registered ya know?

  • gullywompr

    The NRA, with all it's stupidity, is playing right into the hands of smart people. He said EXACTLY the wrong thing, it could not have been more perfectly wrong.

    They are SO going to lose.

    • HarryButtle

      Yup, nice to see him double down on teh stoopid.

      • gullywompr

        And to ensure that the news cycle will be extended, and not favorably towards them.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It seems like for many gun nuts, a gun is the only hard thing they can hold in their hand.

    • WeHaveIssues

      No, this is untrue. Their teeny, tiny penises do get hard whenever they hear Rachel Maddow's voice (and they find this confusing but can't help themselves).

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Sarah Jane Moore tried to assassinate Gerald Ford with a pistol in 1975. She was stopped by an unarmed bystander who grabber her arm. Shame he didn't have a semi-automatic carbine–he could have sprayed the whole crowd and gotten any other potential assassins.

  • SorosBot

    Keep fucking that well-armed chicken, NRA.

  • DahBoner

    "we don’t even remember what the hell else LaPierre was babbling about…"

    LaPierre talking about gun control is like Bristol Palin talking about virginity…

  • Sue4466

    Okay, so this guy expects us to trust that gun nuts will know how to respond to an armed attack when he seemed so befuddled by someone holding up a protest sign?

    • BadKitty904

      Well spotted.

    • PubOption

      'Standing his ground' against the protester would not look good on TV.

  • hagajim

    More guns, guns, guns! That is all – thank you!

  • JustPixelz

    The sad fact is there are hundreds of millions of guns floating around in America. That won't change very soon unless we embark on a 9/11 style trillion dollar gun buyback program. (Why not!?) In the interim, lets hire veterans to fortify our schools. They are trained to set up interlocking fields of fire, kill zones, bounding advances and other stuff I just learned from google. And they need jobs.

  • coolhandnuke

    He also pushed for Ted Nugent to head the Dept. of Education.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Mortally Wounded Nation States "I'm Cold," Congress Offers Sulfa Powder and "There, There."

    NRA Head: Raise Number Of Missions, Insist On Tighter Bomb Patterns

    • gullywompr

      Not sure if you remember during the Vietnam war, when every night on the news they would give the body count for that day. This nightly quatification of attrition, I think, affected the nation's attitude towards the war.

      Maybe we should do that again.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe everyone should be armed with 344mm Lepage Glue Guns.

    • BadKitty904

      Teabaggers Issue Statement: "Walk It Off, Ya Wuss."

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "Rub some dirt on it, ya fuckin' Mary."

    • MoeDeLawn

      Going to Heller in a handbasket, we are. Ol' Joe is weeping softly in a corner of heaven.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Apocalyptypeg

      Major Major Major Major Bummer.

      (excellent analogy, Dok.)

    • eggsacklywright

      General Dreedle salutes you.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Is this is a feather in the NRA's cap? Or a big black eye?

      • Angry_Marmot

        I find Dreedle's FAP easy to whack to, I mean, Dreedle's WAC easy to fap to.

    • sullivanst

      I see everything twice thirteen times.

      • sullivanst

        Make that fourteen. This fucking country.

  • mavenmaven

    That code pink guy is lucky LaPierre didn't just start shooting. You know he wanted to.

    • docterry6973

      I would have loved that, if some NRA thug pulled a gun on the guy holding the sign. It would have made a nice tableau.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    If we could only get more guns out to people we could begin to get a handle on all of this senseless killing!!!!!!!!!

  • Botlrokit

    "The truth is […]

    "…that we are self-loathing. We barely have any close friends, but we're surrounded by parroters and nodding sycophants, which can be equally comforting — given that our only commonality is killin' things."

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    From yesterday: Teen shot dead after argument about paintball:

    “T.Y. advised that he and Braiden got into an argument about a paintball incident that occurred in the past. T.Y. advised that they began to wrestle around jokingly,” the documents say. “T.Y. advised that Braiden then went to the front door of the residence close to the kitchen where they were standing and that Braiden retrieved a semi-automatic shotgun.”

    The documents say T.Y. said McCahren walked into the kitchen area and pointed the shotgun at T.Y., who heard the gun click.

    Then McCahren went to some drawers where there was ammunition and got a shotgun shell and loaded it into the gun, according to the documents.

    You can guess how the rest of the story goes. And I'm sure these unsupervised teenagers with lots of guns in the house were probably properly instructed about gun safety, because that's how things work in America's heartland.

    • BadKitty904

      Another child dead due to easy access to guns. Well done, NRA.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Guns Don't Kill People: XBOXes Do!

    • TavariousChinaSmith

      In my day, Pac Man made us kill children.

      • jakegittes

        And eat them, too.

  • Baconzgood

    I find this difficult to masturbate to.

    • NellCote71

      I know, poor baby. It is has been quite a dry spell (heh-heh) for you this past week or so.

      • docterry6973

        Amen, brother. Try as I might, I can't find cheap sex jokes in any of this, and cheap sex jokes is my middle name.

        • Baconzgood

          Mine's Alvin.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Bang bang, he shot me down
    Bang bang, I hit the ground
    Bang bang, that awful sound
    Bang bang, that crazy shot me down…

  • BadKitty904

    And, no doubt, LIBRUL cartoons.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    If we only stopped reporting all of this gun violence we could all begin to feel safer!

    • Oblios_Cap

      That was pretty much the Bush Administration's answer to inconvenient statistics.

  • SexySmurf

    Despite last week, schools are still the safest place for children. America only has two settings: arrogant complacency (embassy security, for example) or knee-jerk overreaction (everything that was done after 9/11).

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Stealing this.

  • KennyFuckingPowers

    A week later and this is the best that dickhead can come up with?
    Santa has nothing but big 30 round clips and lumps of coal for this bunch of
    chickenshits.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Vietnam War draft-dodger Wayne LaPierre should have to walk point on a LRRP adventure near the Paki border in Kandahar Province. That might change his love affair with not-so-pretend assault rifles.

    Worthless pile of poo gets me all shouty. Stabby, too.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "gets me all shouty. Stabby, too."

      But not shooty, at least.

      • BadKitty904

        Which is kinda the entire point here.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Difficult to get too shooty, since I only am licensed to carry a SpudGun™.

        The Army qualified me on M14 & M16 rifles, the M1911 .45 and 2-inch barrel .38 pistols, M60 light machine gun, and M79 grenade launcher, but that was all long ago and far away. At my age I'd be dangerous to be armed with a rubber band.

    • RadioGunsGunsGuns

      This comment has been deleted by the administrator.

    • RadioGunsGunsGuns

      Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association – did not serve (apparently pulled lottery #97 in 1969 as a campus radical at SUNY-Albany, but weaseled out by getting a family doctor to claim he had a nervous disorder).

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Standing his ground!

  • TavariousChinaSmith

    These people don't have mirrors or beds, right?

    • eggsacklywright

      And never get near garlic.

      • TavariousChinaSmith

        They may indeed be vampires, but I was going more for the idea of "how can they look themselves in a mirror, and how do they sleep at night?"

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    On a serious note, why was it that I was sure the NRA was going to actually come to some sort of meaningful sounding bullshit idea like "sitting down and talking about this". I really am a SAP.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Don't feel bad — somebody had to be born yesterday.

    • finallyhappy

      guess you are- but we love you anyway. I knew the NRA would be full of shit. LaPierre doesn't make the big bucks from gun makers and gun owners by being reasonable, compassionate or intelligent.

    • Lot_49

      They're doubling down! They're not retreating—they're reloading! They've put the surveyors marks on the anti-gun lobby, the crazies and the librul media!

      It's a kind of a relief, really. Now we can continue to ignore them, and start figuring out what goes wrong in own person's head that makes him love guns more than life, family, sex, fine Cabernets, or his own mother.

  • StillGoinGreen

    The saddest part is the fact that people who keep up with gun violence stats can't keep up with gun violence stats. By the time you click on their link, they are behind by a few. Although we feel for the 27 families in Newtown, there are 100 or so individual families across America since that tragic event who now feel the same anguish. America doesn't have the time or energy to light a candle for each individual family of gun violence, so let's fucking light a fire under our Congress' ass to do something about it!

    *Steps off the box and wipes his eyes*

    • NellCote71

      Right on.

    • proudgrampa

      Thank you.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    You have to wonder what kind of braintrust they have in their strategy department?

    • BadKitty904

      And how much they're paid.

  • Exhausted66

    Thanks for the giant spider on the toilet "related video." I will never go to the bathroom again.

  • TootsStansbury

    I got nothing except spit flecked outrage. The real kind, not that fake right wing bullshit.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Call of Shooty

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I thought conservatives were OPPOSED to a Police State, and now they want a cop in every classroom and probably every post office, outhouse, hen house and whorehouse.

    It's gonna be like one big giant New Jersey where you can't pass a traffic light without a cop sitting there with his radar/laser gun.

    • BadKitty904

      They're opposed to any police state other than the one THEY impose and control.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if that Code Pink person with the banner is the same one that hangs the "John 3:16" sign in the endzone at all the NFL games.

  • Oblios_Cap

    That chair Clint Eastwood spoke to at the GOP convention made more sense than LaPierre.

    LaPeirre sounds awfully French, too.

    • PubOption

      Yes, Wayne the Rock. Je crois que la pierre est dans sa tete.

    • BadKitty904

      Le pistolet de ma tante est sur le bureau de mon oncle…

    • comrad_darkness

      Why didn't he change his name to LaAmericanfries more than a decade ago?

  • PubOption

    List of murderers named Wayne: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/dubo
    The list of enablers may contain only LaPierre's name.

  • sullivanst

    Even trained police officers accidentally shoot unarmed people (especially if they’re black, Hispanic, or mentally ill) but obviously nothing could go wrong when random folks are armed like Robocop.

    Case in point.

  • Exhausted66

    I'm growing more and more comfortable with the "cold, dead hands" scenario.

  • Exhausted66

    …from votes!-

    • Tommy1733

      Hollow-point votes.

      • NellCote71

        Semi-automatic votes.

  • Beowoof

    Did anyone mention to Wayne that a low key news dump takes place later on Friday? Cause I think I see the lead story in almost every National and Local Newscast tonight.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    I'm certainly no expert but maybe the easy availability of guns and bullets in the US has an effect on the number homicides done with guns and bullets.

    • docterry6973

      That is liberal nonsense, of course. It is obvious to all that we need more guns and bullets so we can shoot more of the people who use guns and bullets.

  • under_score

    He said nothing I haven't already read in the comment section of my local paper. This would be among the more sane things I saw. I'm so looking forward to the editorial promoting this totally reasonable plan (not totally reasonable).

    So, chances of TX lege finding the $$ for it?

  • Thurman Munster IV

    I have nothing to add to the Editrix's post and my fellow Wonketteer's comment. So I'll just go all Oprah on y'all: you get a up fist. And you get an up fist. Every fucking one of you magnificent bastards gets an upfist.

  • HRH_Maddie

    I genuinely don't know where to begin. There's ALWAYS money for guns and war. How about instead of an armed guard in every school, we put more teachers or school psychologists?

    • docterry6973

      More money for cops in every school? Ha ha. The money for the extra cops has to come FROM the money that already goes to the schools. Which politicians will continue to cut, because taxes.

      • gullywompr

        Big Bird, also too.

    • finallyhappy

      school psychologists are being cut in budgets. And according to my sister- an HS psychologist- elementary schools need them even more- it is much more harrowing to work with elementary school kids according to my sister(guess they don't have too many places to turn or even understand what is going wrong-too young to run away or fight back)

      • HRH_Maddie

        Plus, if you can treat or alleviate the problems younger in life, you're less likely to become a deranged adult.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Of all days for the apocalypse not to have happened…

    • docterry6973

      Like someone tweeted, I am really warming up to the idea of the world ending today.

  • christianmuslin

    What a great way to grow the economy and get people back to work. Put a policeman, or self-appointed militia type, at every school. Just don't forget there fuzzynuts, every school includes private schools, some of which are run by the Muslims and the Jews, and even the Mormons. What about Home Schools. Students should have the same protection regardless of school choice.

    But, why stop with schools, as many churches provide day care for both the young and the elderly. They should have protection. Some schools are located in strip malls, like the ones that offer training for manicures, hair cutting, tax preperation and even blow jobs. We have cooking schools, driving schools, SAT schools, real estate buying schools, language schools; gosh, the list is endless.

    We'll just be one armed guard fuckery by the time we get this idea implemented.

    What's next, designer guns with built in cell phones and condom dispensers?

    • docterry6973

      No, because birth control is bad.

  • BerkeleyBear

    Between this and the "Obama didn't take your guns for 4 years and extended gun rights because secretly it is all a plot to take your guns" I'm thinking LaPierre opposes stricter mental health background checks for personal reasons.

    Oh and a mental health registry – that is a bad fucking idea, assholes. We have a hard enough time getting people to own up to mental health problems and seek treatment – turning it into a scarlet letter A is not the answer. (Now, actually requiring people who would seek a firearm to pass a mental health screening, failing which would lead to a national ban for a minimum length of time? This is a good thing).

    • comrad_darkness

      I like your last proposal. I think that should be adopted as the defacto starting point for negotiations.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ahm the rootinest, tootinest, shootinest hombre this sahd of the Pecos!!!

  • DogWhisperer

    Why is nobody mentioning any nonlethal ways to stop a mass murderer? I want to see a teacher's assistant, weapon seeking, bullet proof, taser robot in every school, painted in bright, primary colors, of course. Or at least a taser in the principle's desk. Maybe the robot could tutor math, also.

    You no longer need another gun (and the risk of additional accidental deaths) to stop someone who is using a gun.

  • Slim_Pickins

    With apologies to Monty Python

    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!

    NEEDZ MOR GUNZ

    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!

    (refrain): GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!

    “IT WASN’T OUR FAULT” SAYS
    THE NRA. “YOU NEED MORE GUNZ!”

    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!
    GUNS! GUNS! GUNS! GUNS!

    Refrain…
    Refrain…
    Refrain…
    Refrain, etc.

  • lulzmonger

    Gauleiter LaPierre certainly seems nervous, & with good reason: rumors are afoot in DC that Obama may soon sign an executive order mandating a high-capacity corpse-fucker registry.

    ♫ Meet the new baktun,
    Same as the old baktun … ♫

  • kingcocrazy

    Wayne, you're a gaping pussy. We need to raise the stakes. We need access to fully automatic weapons to end the carnage. And think about THIS a little bit, you big fag. A proud patriot with a legal tactical nuke in hand could have cleaned up that little mess in Newtown VERY nicely.

  • Misty Malarky

    Will Big Government subsidize the required black hats and white hats so we can tell the bad guys from the good guys?

  • An_Outhouse

    I like how he inserted the dog whistle discussing urban gangs and then lack of federal prosecution of gun laws. Those blah guys sure do stick together. Very subtle.

    "Killers, robbers, rapists and drug gang members who have spread like cancer in every community in this country. Meanwhile, federal gun prosecutions have decreased by 40% — to the lowest levels in a decade."
    — Wayne "little dick" Lapierre

  • kyeshinka

    Strange. I don't feel psychotic after playing a video game. However, ten minutes listening to a GOP senator on CNN really sets me off.

    • NellCote71

      I know. And furthermore, I did not realize my playing Angry Birds and Solitaire City caused the deaths in Sandy Point. I have been known to listen to music as well. And I don't own a gun. So, my bad. Sorry.

      • NellCote71

        Sorry. Mean to say Sandy Hook, not Point.

  • beefhardcake

    Does anyone have a barrel of hand sanitizer close by? I made the mistake of reading the whole text of the NRA statement, and I've never felt more besmirched.

  • joobajooba

    "have you no sense of decency" http://youtu.be/fqQD4dzVkwk

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ Rufus T. Firefly

    I blame rap music.

  • docterry6973

    Please, everybody pray (or the equivalent thereof) that Becca pulls through this episode of death, because we will need her help to survive the next few months of crisis.

    We certainly don't have a government, so we will need extra snark to survive.

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ Rufus T. Firefly

    True story: Wayne Lapierre once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Hmmph — one of my FB friends (an acquaintance I haven't seen since high school) posted pics of his new handgun, a Glock-esque semiauto that he got as a present, saying this was gonna be the best Christmas present ever.

    Oh, and this was the guy whose girlfriend, when he broke up with her in high school, got daddy's gun out of the closet, sat in her bathtub and put a bullet in her chest. It's been more than twenty years, but I still remember how grief-stricken he was. Must've gotten over it by now. I'm not sure if I would've.

  • chascates

    How about the NRA officers and board refusing any salary or other rewards from the organization and the gun makers for the rest of their lives? That's a start.

  • valmach

    live by the gun – ,, anyone ever heard that.. many schools have over 3,000 kids running around in them.. One armed cop.. armed principal .. armed teachers.. who may or may not be having a bad day.. or molesting your kid.. be medicated.. what insanity… Best advice for Americans.. Leave America.. when your kids can't go to school without being worried about dying.. the system is completely & irreparably broken…I hear Scandinavia is nice this time of year.. one thing though.. they don't like Americans

    • BadKitty904

      Hell, just accidentally dropping a loaded handgun in a crowded classroom of kids would be too much…

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    A math teaching taser robot would be awesome!

    "you forgot to carry the one — ZZZAP!"

  • Tommy1733

    Rebeccah, thank you for watching that. You are brave and I would like to hide behind you.

  • snowpointsecret

    Shorter NRA: IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE. TAKE THIS. *holds out gun*

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    He forgot to mention how upset the NRA gets every time the feds try to prosecute gun law violations.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The kind that shoots out the flag that says "BANG!"? That would have been classic.

  • mustangsavvy

    So in conclusion America – we need more religious rituals at our schools even if some of the people reciting "under God" actually don't even believe in God (so that we can all feel collectively good about being collectively "good") AND more people with guns. Everywhere. Forever. This is the solution to every social/spiritual/emotional/physical problem anyone ever has:religious ritual and GUNS. Knock yourselves out.

  • christianmuslin

    Will there be armed guard protection at that new school that keeps popping up on my tablet:
    fixjets.com

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Sounds like a site dedicated to getting rid of Sanchez and Tebow.

  • BadKitty904

    No. They do not.

  • rocktonsam

    "develop a model security plan for schools that relies on armed volunteers."

    chicken fucker continues to fuck that chicken

  • ChrisM2011

    The only way conservatives will pay for this is if they hire Halliburton. Combining education and privatized military? A conservative's wet dream!!

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Did he get to the part about the weekly machine gun socials? Or the school ammunition sale to raise money to send the band to this year's UIL competition? It wouldn't take much to retool shop class for budding young gunsmiths. At the same time we must do something about this culture of violence, maybe cancelling the art and music program (except for military-style marching band, of course).

    • finallyhappy

      that reminds me of a gun that existed(?) when I was a kid. It involved a slide lock , a rubber band and a bullet- I am not sure how it worked or if it did. I guess real guns were a lot harder to get in the 50s and 60s- but a lock and a rubber band were easy- not sure about the bullet- but it only shot one time

  • MonkeyMotion

    Get a load of this irony [from the Crossroads of the West Gunshow website]:

    Q: Can I bring a gun to the show to sell or trade?
    A: Yes, and many folks do. Please be sure the gun is unloaded before you enter the building, and take it to our gun check table at the show entry for verification. No loaded firearms and no loaded magazines are permitted in any Crossroads gun show. Your personal safety is our number one priority while you are at the show.

    Of course loaded firearms are OK in elementary schools…[wimper]

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I am actually glad this is their reaction. The sooner the NRA and the republicans go the way of the dodo, the better off the rest of us will be. I, and a lot of sane Americans have mostly been ignoring the gun nuts ever since W and wall street gave us other things to worry about. But this time it feels different. The response is not the same and I believe most sane Americans think its time for a change. People have woken up to the fact that the tea party does not speak for the majority, but are more like a bunch of babies throwing a tantrum. Of course everyone pays attention to the tantrum. They have no choice. It's annoying and all they want is for the baby to STFU so they can eat their bloomin onion in peace.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    I love that banner – I guess that's the NRA's new slogan?? "NRA: Killing Our Kids since 1901"…

    Has a ring to it and I like the funky font they used – makes it look spontaneous.

  • NellCote71

    My favorite part was when Pee Pee La Pew showed the video game about killing kindergartners, and then chastised the media for not bringing it to anyone's attention. I confess, I will take the blame for this as well. I never, ever in a million years thought to Google: "kill kindergartners" video game. Never.

    • finallyhappy

      and yet, even if you play this game- you still cannot actually kill anyone with it. I guess you could bash someone's head in with the game system- so maybe I am wrong.

  • larrykat

    Is this the NRA's jump-the-shark moment? Is it like Rove babbling about winning on election night? Will this enshrine them right next to groups like the John Birch Society or the Man-Boy Love Association? All I have is questions, sorry.

  • NellCote71

    Cheney is creaming in his pants, as we speak.

  • larrykat

    That's because you don't love America, duh.

    • BadKitty904

      "love America 'enough'"…

  • OneYieldRegular

    I've stopped talking to the gun-owners I know until they melt down their guns and melt down Wayne LaPierre with them.

    Also, it takes a special talent to be able to beat John Boehner out for least popular person in America this week.

  • BadKitty904

    Will teachers get combat pay?

  • Nopantsmcgee

    When they told me that "freedum ain't free" I didn't know they meant to use a 1st Grader's blood to pay for it.

  • chascates

    I was looking for the Salon article that outlined the financial web involving the NRA bosses and the gun lobby and makers but didn't spend the time to find it among the many interest articles about the NRA Salon has: http://www.salon.com/search/?q=nra

    As someone who has been a member in the past the NRA magazine is filled with articles decrying the federal government's plans to confiscate all guns and enslave us all, a position they've held since the early 1960s. Curiously one of the first attempts at gun control involved a proposed law that would make people who bought firearms by mail sign and mail an affidavit to the seller that stated the buyer was over age 18. And the NRA and the gun manufacturers agreed! Of course that was only the camel's nose under the tent so gun control hysteria is the only orthodoxy now.

    Current members of the NRA are bombarded with snail mail, email, and entreaties in the magazine to send in every cent they can to prevent what they've been warning about for a half century. 'Right now gun grabbers Obama, Holder, and Pelosi are walking up to your front door and we might be able to sidetrack them if we have the funds to do so.'

    Wow, that sounds like television evangelists! I have to go lay down.

    • finallyhappy

      if I thought the President would come to my front door- I would walk down to Atlantic Guns in Silver Spring and buy one and turn it over to him when he knocked on my door. But I'm not buying my first gun to give it to Nancy or Eric

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Loaded handguns at a gun show would add a certain frisson to the act of haggling.

    • BadKitty904

      An armed haggler is a serious haggler.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Every time I play video games, I die of dysentery.

  • Barrelhse

    Fuck the NRA. They need to be marginalized and laughed at like the Teabaggers.

    • BadKitty904

      They're sure working on it. Today's NRA media statement sure helps in reaching that goal.

  • Warco3

    He might as well have just said "UNGA BUNGA!".

    • BadKitty904

      For all practical purposes, he did.

  • HouseOfTheBlueLights

    I say we arm Trix and let 'er loose.

  • BadKitty904

    So. Turning the US school system into a war zone is the NRA's best shot? So to speak?

  • Detesticle

    "People kill people, so don't arm them."

    That's what I heard the NRA say today. That's correct, yes?

  • ttommyunger

    I'd like to apologize publicly for being a Life Member of the NRA. It was l956, I was 15 years old. The NRA was a reputable source for practical and technical information about firearms. All that has changed now, and not in a good way. The NRA has become joined at the hip with the Republican Party and now sells Right-Wing Policies and Fear. The currency is not Dollars and Cents, it is votes and guns.

    • Lot_49

      Republican Party and the gun manufacturers, who lavish money on it to keep scaring its members into buying more gunz.

      • ttommyunger

        Eggzaclkly!Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Thankfully, I never joined. I am a member of a sport shooting organization, but they make attempts not to appear overtly political. I know that 95% of the members are hardcore GOOPers, but we pretend anyway.

      • ttommyunger

        Good luck with that.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  • Callyson

    Somehow, my trademark phrase seems lacking.

    That said:

    Oh, for fuck's sake…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    *Baldar watches LaPierre on screen*

    You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking… you talking to me? Well I'm the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah? OK.
    *Draws*

  • docterry6973

    On a better day I might try to do something with the 'midwest has a sucking chest wound' headline, but I don't have it in me.

  • Lot_49

    Here's proof that guns aren't the problem.

    We clearly need a national registry of crazy people. Wonder who'd be #1 on the list? Could his initials be W la P?

  • docterry6973

    It looks like four people were shot dead For Freedom while W la P was speaking. http://www.mcall.com/news/breaking/mc-four-dead-p

    If there is a God, she really, really loves irony.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      We can make sure this never happens again by having an armed volunteer on every country road.

  • BadKitty904

    See: Gesetz zur Verhütung erbkranken Nachwuchses

    That was tried, basically, in 1933. It didn't turn out so good.

    • Lot_49

      NRO's cool with it, though, as we saw yesterday.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    He could have just shat on the lectern. Then he would have been introducing something of substance to the conversation.

  • Auntie_Spinster

    Ann Coulter: "Pepe le pew" is a surrender monkey. We will never dismount from our Apache Killer Copters until all children are belong to us.

  • gullywompr

    Proceed, Wayne.

  • comrad_darkness

    What? They are afraid that the guns at the show make them less safe? NO!!

  • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

    Whew! I was so worried LaPierre would say something rational. Crisis averted!

  • Sassomatic

    How about a national registry bullies. If you've ever beat up another kid in school or hit someone without provocation, or been guilty even of vocal harassment, no guns for you. That would probably take a shitload of guns out of circulation, now wouldn't it?

  • comrad_darkness

    Why does this whole thing feel like hostage negotiations? Where we and our skin and blood are the hostages?

  • BartStarrland

    Now they're just fucking with us.

  • GeorgiaMike

    Back when the Brady Bill was being passed in the 1990s, some NRA members on a wingnut website opined that it would be a good thing and indeed merciful if someone were to put Sarah Brady down. Sort of like a suffering dog or a horse with a broken leg.

    I certainly do not feel the same way about Wayne LaPierre. When his time comes, I would like for it to be very prolonged and very painful.

  • Bartleby64

    Let's put Australia's gun laws up against Wayne La Pierre's little plan.

  • awwalk56

    I think lapierre forgot to mention the car the kid drove to the school. You know put this on Obama for the auto bailout. Without the bailout there might not have been a car to transport the kid and guns!

  • ElPinche

    Wayne LaPierre should follow Bud Dwyer in his footsteps…manila envelope and all.

  • carlgt1

    The problem with this is that in 132,656 K-12 schools in the US, you know you'd end up with about 50,000 George Zimmerman's as "armed guards." Hence probably an extra 1000 dead kids a year who was "heading straight for him" and had to be shot. Also figure at $100K at least for salary & benefits a year, that's $13 billion a year — from RepugliKKKans who have been screeching about "expensive" schools & DEA & teachers & unions for decades etc? So obviously we'd lose 2-3 teachers for every armed hick, to the detriment of our already stupid populace…..

  • LibrarianX

    "Columbine High School had an armed deputy"
    http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/12/17/1171099/

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Sorry, I didn't read any further than the headline, "NRA LITERALLY BLOWS"

    I agree 100%